It's been six very long days since my last post.... There have been some setbacks with my MS and we've added a new drug to the cocktail. The chemo is used to try to prevent new lesions, this new drug is to help the established lesions function better. . So far this evil drug has, quite literally, left me mute for five days; the nausea is so intense that speaking just became a chore. So I stopped. . Despite the fact that this drug could likely induce seizures or cause kidney failure my doctor still thinks it's a good idea. To give me better days bc honestly, the past four months I feel I average 4 good from beginning to end days a month. A month. And I'm risking this drug bc (I hate having to write this) I'm having trouble with my hands. My sensation is off, my grip will suddenly go limp and they tingle as if coming in from the cold all day long. . It's made fiber crafts, my favorite thing, painful. It's ruined my gauge and I genuinely worry I might lose my shit if I can't knit anymore. . 4 days without talking has given me an abundant amount of time to think. I'm scared of this life right now but that feels totally normal. It's normal to feel helpless when facing something scary. It's scary to think your life is never going to be what you hoped it would be. . But self-loathing is useless and time consuming. Also, very boring . So Trevor and I named my MS Tim - specifically so we would have a name to yell at when things suck. When Trevor left today he kissed me on the head and whispered, so sweetly, "Fuck Tim" . I knew in that moment that we can handle anything. We can swear (sorry about all the cursing) at this disease in a funny way; levity is definitely needed to not feel like a victim. So if (dear God "if" not "when") i lose my hands I'm gonna tell Tim to fuck off and love every minute it get to stick it to Tim. . Tim picked the wrong chick to mess with. . Hopefully I'll be back to jokes and knitting very soon and sorry for the long post, sometimes sharing the thing that haunts you makes it less scary. #mswarrior #fucktim #knittersofinstagram #thisisms
