#fun stories

[ravensuperr]

Danny Valentine's Mess Mastpost

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

[domestically-loving-monsters]

Honestly, I'd love another warm bodies story to emerge. I loved that book! And I love zombie apocalypse themes, so as a monster fucker, I'd love to see more zombie fuckers.

But you're totally right. On one hand, eww rotting bed partners.

But on the other hand, with the power of fiction and horny thoughts, even the Undead can become an outlet for sexual thoughts.

As long as consent is slathered on every inch of that type of story, I'd totally read it. I love books that just take a theme and run with it.

Warm bodies was a fun read for sure!

We need more books that look at a theme/plot and just have fun. Regardless of anything making sense.

It's fiction! I want more fun stories that don't care if they're fitting the stereotype or make sense.

[mytearsrricochet]

happy Valentine’s Day today marks one year since I’ve had sex at all because the guy I was porkin at the time suddenly told me he’s pro-life because murder “but if I get you pregnant then I’ll pay for the abortion because that’s just different” and I realized I couldn’t keep doin that for the rest of my life and now my hymen has probably grown back

[balkanradfem]

So I've been making a lot of chestnut deliveries this year, and I ended up having some fun, and some less than pleasant experiences. I'll start with a fun one.

I was to deliver chestnuts to this woman's flat directly; we organized over a phone call, and I was there at the designated time, 3pm. I stopped my bike in front of her building, and called her number. She didn't respond. I looked around for a bit, called again, then waited for 10 minutes, called again, nothing. I was a bit annoyed, so I called the plant lady, who had delivered chestnuts to this particular woman before, and had a facebook conversation with her. I told the plant lady my situation, and asked her for the last name of the woman, so I could press the button on her intercom, and ring her apartment directly. The plant lady found it in record time (20 seconds) and there I was, pressing the button on the building, about to have a fun experience.

'What?' The woman responded almost immediately.

'Hi, I've brought you chestnuts, and I've been calling your phone, but you didn't reply.' I explained my business.

'Oh! And where are you now?'

'… I'm in front of the building.'

'Oh I'll be there in 5 minutes!'

'Okay, I'll wait 5 more minutes for you.'

She ran out of the building in 2 minutes, wearing a trench coat, explaining erratically:

'I fell asleep! I don't know how it could have happened! My phone was away! I'm sorry!'

'Oh! Did I wake you up?'

'YES!!!'

I then realized that she must have been shaken out of her sleep so abruptly, she forgot that we were talking over the intercom, and not the phone, so she genuinely couldn't figure out where I was! I went home laughing to myself about it, the sheer amusement of it all completely made up for the wait.

That was the funniest delivery I had, now, there's been a few of them that unfortunately, I had to deliver to males, and most of them went just fine, with 3 second interaction and goods exchange, and a relieved 'goodbye'. However, some of them were… not as great. I've noticed, with great displeasure, that some of those m*n figured out since I'm a woman, they could ogle me, and I did not appreciate that at all. Few of them stared at me and started saying unrelated things and I could not wait to get away from their gaze, I know what their ogling means! "You're not too ugly to be manipulated into being my house servant/bed toy/replacement mommy". And the reasons why I'm suddenly not too ugly is because my poverty has made me thin and weak looking, that alone is what elevates me to the status of 'worthy of ogling' in their eyes. I detest it. I'm hyper aware that any other version of me, more heavy, more aged, or even older-looking, would immediately put me into the box of 'irredeemable ugly creature' and I wish to stay in that box for them, thank you. They're all in my 'predator' box anyway. They don't even consider that maybe I'm a lesbian, completely disinterested in being stared at by males.

Where are all of the lesbians ogling me, who would be happy with my heavier, older and grumpier version? I would not mind that.

Okay so the absolute worst customer was a repeat one, and I've decided, to not deliver chestnuts to that particular guy again. First time delivering to him I went with a friend, and it was done within a minute, in broad daylight, in a store parking lot. I asked if he was there for chestnuts, he said yes, and immediately launched into 'Why didn't you tell me where you are, you shouldn't have carried all these, I would have come to you!' and I disliked this greatly, but I just said 'It's fine, it's safer that way.', exchanged the goods, and ran to my friend.

The second time he ordered (and it's heavier orders from him, always), he told me he was arriving by train, and I was to bring it to the train station. Late evening. I felt uncomfortable, but I figured, since I already delivered to him once and got away fine, this should go okay too. And if he asks me where I live again, I'm going to call it out and tell him off.

He did, in fact, ask me where I live again. This time more aggressively. I had my reply prepared: 'Sir, you cannot expect a woman to give her home address to a stranger.' and it did not make him give up. He was insisting that I'm barely able to carry 5kg on my own (I was with a bike), then he said I'm looking like I'm struggling pushing the bike (I was standing still). Then he started saying how he knows where the plant lady lives, and he works with her husband, and asked me if I'm something to them, to which I replied it didn't matter, because he's a stranger to me. Then, he said 'Let me tell you something about myself', and I knew, he was about to start a fucking speech, a monologue, on this empty parking lot in front of a train station, at night, while I'm feeling increasingly pissed and wary. I said 'I have to go.' and it did absolutely nothing to deter him.

'I'm no liar, I'm telling you the truth' he said, suspiciously, and I'm already thinking that a truth-teller never has to convince a stranger that he's telling the truth. Then he launched into a story about how he does fruit tree grafting for a living, and that he is begging me to bring him a single branch of the chestnut tree, or bring him with me to the forest so he can see the trees. I start explaining how old and tall these trees are, and they're all mixed, the big chestnuts fall together with the small, and I cannot in all certainty know if I've brought a correct branch to him. I forgot for a second how inappropriate and insane this request was, I'm not running a service of bringing people branches for grafting! I ended up saying 'I don't know I'll ask the plant lady.' and I escaped out of there there, upset.

I've talked to the plant lady about this later, and she had no clue who this m*n even was, she suspected her husband knew him, and he knew her address this way. She told him that it was okay to redirect the guy to her, if he ever bothered me again, and then she would ditch him away from our chestnut business. So thankfully, that was the last time I saw him. He was insanely creepy, looked like he was in his 50s, and I look like I'm in my 20s so it was extra awful. (I'm 32, my face just refuses to cooperate and get wrinkled as it should, so I get zero respect from the world for my wisdom and grace.)

[certainglitterhologram]

if you ever feel overdramatic, just remember that when I was nine years old, I was told I got a 92 on a math test, cried for ten seconds, then hit my head on my bathroom counter and passed out.

[crymeariveronceagain]

Who was your first fictional crush

Mine was Conner from tlos

(I was like so little when i read that series don't judge)

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third from the HTTYD books

i crushed so hard and i may or may not have written self-insert fanfic idk

like sad lil latin speaking dragon nerd with red hair and a heroic nature? like just kill me now??

[beardedmrbean]

(Looking at the menu) Can I get a good news but boneless, a funny salad on the side, and a large Diet Dr. Cringe, please?

Boneless you say, I think I can do that

Funny salad today is out of Uganda, because everything is better when it's Ugandan

What is Ugandan Rolex, you may ask.

Rolex is classic Ugandan street food. The similarity to the luxury watch brand is happenstance: Once upon a time the vendors who made this treat called out “Rolled Eggs” – nothing more. The basic idea is eggs cooked with cabbage, onion, tomato, and sometimes peppers, which is then wrapped in chapati.

Ugandan breakfast burrito, and now I'm hungry. I'll take this over the watch any day.

And for the diet Dr Cringe we've got this little whoopsie out of Malaysia

Gonna throw in a wholesome toy surprise for free, even though this isn't a kids meal.