Originally I thought it would be fun coming up with a story using Parliafunkadelicment (that is, the 1970s American music collective known as P-Funk) mythology, "funkology," as George Clinton called it. But the more I worked on it, the more it headed in different directions. Let's just say, I had fun along the way ...
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Blast Hardcheese: Space Detective Welcome to the distant future of 1983. The Man has taken to the stars to make the Galaxy safe for Disco by destroying the Mothership Connection (Though you'd think that the Grand Ole Opry and Hillbilly Country and Western music would be a much better antithesis to urban city Funk than, say, Disco, but no matter). Led by our glorious leader, Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk … THE FUTURE IS SAFE: For J. Edgar Hoover and law-abiding citizens such as ourselves. Obey puny humans! Welcome, Blast, to our groovy swinging party! In the future it's always Bedtime for Bonzo! I didn't know you could make pancakes! Yum yum! At last the last of those evil Parliafunkadelicment beats have almost been wiped from the Universe. Only small pockets of resistance remain … to get up by getting down.
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Our Rebel Hero: Bootsy Collins Glorious Leader: All hail Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk Lady Bunny: Smash the Sucka MCs! Old school forever! Meanwhile, somewhere else that fits within our limited filming budget, Lady Bunny was fighting the good fight. Really? “Lady Bunny” was all you could come up with? Not even Funky Fresh or Soulful Swag? Anahit Broccolian? Wait!--
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Yes, it's what our boffins at the H.O.N.K.E.Y. Institute feared … the Funk is back and far freakier than before! It's tub-thumping from here, the Electronica Zone. That's impossible! Electronica has been dead for ages! Are you sure? I thought the last Rumpasaurus had been hunted to extinction. All we know is that the Jive-Flux-Matrix is powerless against this new dope blood developed by the Phunklords. Our secret weapon: Tanner Tannington III, bio-engineered as the most unhip human in history ... ...volunteered as our guinea pig. Great Scott! It was cranked up to 11! Egads! The cads! Another one bites the dust. Hush your foul mouth. His dying request was to hear Achy Breaky Heart one last time. He died as he lived: unable to keep a beat. These old models only play German opera, we thought that was enough. Have you tried Oko Ono? Or maybe Yma Sumac?
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That's all we know so far, Fanny. But I thought we dropped da bomb on Bootsy Collins. Literally! So, how did the Funk survive? What did we miss? Word on the street is that there was enough of it in J-Pop to turn the beat around, I love to hear percuss-- No! Do not start quoting 'Nam movies and Disco lyrics … as tempting as that might be. I love the smell of napalm in the morn—ack! J-Pop? Are you sure? J-Pop or K-Pop, I can't really tell the difference. Plus it's only 1983, we haven't even gotten to Hammer Time! yet. Indeed. The power of the Funk is most insidious. I miss the police state. USA! USA! Remember when being sterile, one-dimensional, monochromatic and against freedom of expression was thought of as a bad thing? Tell that to the average American male voter. Someone put Trump in the White House … twice.
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Meanwhile, back on “The Planet.” And I'll go this way and look for some kind of audio-vibratory-physio-molecular transport device. You mean...! Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. A vibrator! But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A perfect vibrator! A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and projecting it through space … and who knows, perhaps even time … Itself? Itself! Wow! Sex toys sure have gotten crazy in the future. This has a pump-action grip! Now all I need to find is a … Butt plug? Calling Pebbles and Bam-Bam Calling Pebbles and Bam-Bam … Not only did I find our audio-vibratory-device but wait until you see the size of “Operation: Neurological Enema”!
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Meanwhile, back with Lady Bunny … Wait! Is this my cue? Meanwhile, back on “The Planet.” [Anything to advance the plot!] Ignore her. She's just embarrassing herself. Get down! She won't be able to see us this way! What page of the script are we on? This is a very bad segue and you should feel ashamed! Hey, cool, retro robots! Finally! Something to do with fighting The Funk! Er... what is it doing? Warming up with calisthenics. Funk fighting is a strenuous activity. Bend with the knees!
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You know what this story needs? A training montage sequence! Cue: Styx! Beep bop boop! We are the Majority for Musical Morality! Kilroy was here. Dōmo Arigatō Misutā Robotto. Secret, secret I've got a secret! With parts made in Japan! O funk me! No! No funk! We put our faith in Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk!
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I'm sorry, M.E.C.H.A.F.L.O.P.S.Y., I thought you were going to have some speaking lines or at least do something. “Perhaps in the sequel.” I told my agent, “No nude scenes.” The American public is not ready for it. It's sum sawt ov Unident'ah'fied a-Flyin' Objec'! Why are you talking like that? Well, we haven't made a Hillbilly joke since page 2. I mean, wasn't this whole story about how terrible Country and Western music is? The plot seems to have drifted. Of course it has! Those robots were suppose to be break dancing! Originally we were the heroes, using Old School Hip Hop to defeat the Kosmic Sucka' MCs. We had our own theme song! There was going to be a cameo with Cameo and Salt n Pepa … but we ran over budget. As the Armenians would say, “Vo'chinch”!
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Ideas I couldn't work into the story … Afrika Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force, art by Ed Piskor “Take M.E.C.H.A.F.L.O.P.S.Y. down to the planet with you.” “It looks too cute to be evil.” “Have you seen it try to dance?” In the words of our glorious leader, “We must maintain mental constipation and prevent Funkadelica from deprogramming the population” … again. The death of a disco dancer Well, it happens a lot 'round here I feel faint, someone hum Toby Keith. Help!
