i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.
she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.
so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.
babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?
you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.
skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.
(it was not my best costume.)
my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.
so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.
i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.
so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.
so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.
"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"
and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said
"overalls"
and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."
and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.
the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.
first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.
second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.
and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.
she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."
"lets watch shrek 2."
so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.
every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.
This is my Cool Friend Mr Eric P . He has a super funny youtube channel called ( Wisdom, Quotes, Life )
If you could check out his channel and give him a little support I'd Appreciate it. I'll give you a taste of what to expect with this funny video , enjoy 😁
This is about Eric's friend Dave who has an awful honeymoon resulting in a few issues 😄
Nature doesn't refuse a request. It never refuses. But it always takes something in return — and if you are not ready to give, then don't ask.
My older sister came to this conclusion while standing waist-deep in the Volga River, asking for fame, and saw how her iPhone drifting away from her🌊📱 And she instructively passed this conclusion on to me☝️😌
The words that were spoken were forgotten. Walking along the cherry alley, I grew uneasy about how much the wind was interfering.🌬 Nature heard me and gave me the chance to photograph the cherry blossoms, gave me a cough, and gave me the need for a handkerchief for the next three days 😅🤒
Природа не отказывает в исполнении просьбы. Никогда не отказывает. Но она всегда берет взамен, и если не готова отдавать, то не проси.
К такому выводу пришла моя старшая сестра, когда стояла по пояс в Волге, прося о славе, и увидела, как ее айфон уплывает от нее🌊📱 И назидательно передала вывод мне☝️😌
Забыты были слова произнесенные. Гуляя по вишневой аллее заволновалась я, как сильно мешает ветер.🌬 Природа меня услышала и дала сфотографировать вишню, дала кашель и необходимость в носовом платке на ближайшие три дня😅🤒
so i was talking to my bf about how when i dated my worst ex of all time he had this broken down honda in his mom's driveway and one day he decided to show me the inside where ants had literally formed hills and whole ass colonies all in the front seats and floorboards because they were just getting in somehow and not being disturbed because it had just been sitting there for so long right
so now my bf and i start making jokes about
"yeah man just push that to the side, put the queen in the back, don't ever touch my queen, she was there for me when nobody else was, every time i'm at a stoplight i just look into her beautiful eyes"
i am WHEEZING my sides hurt and tears are streaming down my face nobody is gonna think this is as funny as me probably but LMAO
So me and other friend called Sofia went to the counter so we could order, and this other two boys around our age were next to us.
So one of them started flirting with us. I was kinda tired of them so I said "Did you know that I have two balls this big" and he was like "Whar...??😨"
BHAHAHHA
At the end I told em I was trans. All they did after that was ask me if I'd give them a french fry.
I always thought Chinese birthday wishes were pretty simple.
You know, something like, "Happy Birthday! Wishing you good health and happiness."
Then recently I overheard my husband recording a birthday message for his 10 year old niece. Curious, I asked, "What are you doing?"
He said, "It's her birthday. I'm recording a birthday wish." So naturally I asked what he said.
He proudly replied:
"You're 10 years old now. You're no longer a single digit. From now on, you should be more mature, be a good daughter to your mom, study hard, don't be naughty, know your responsibilities, and become someone your mother can rely on."
......
Sir.
That's not a birthday wish.
That's a parenting seminar.
Halfway through, I honestly thought he was recording a message for her mom instead of the birthday girl. To me, it sounds pretty much like a ten year development plan. 😆
I told him, "If I were your niece, I'd never want another birthday message from you."
So I rewrote his script:
"I hope you have a wonderful birthday, stay healthy, keep growing up happy and curious, enjoy discovering new things every day, meet kind friends, stay strong while keeping your kind heart, find something you truly love, and have the courage to follow your dreams. And always remember, your uncle and aunt will always love you and cheer you on."
He listened, paused for a second, and said,
"Wow... that's actually a really nice birthday wish."
Apparently I just introduced my husband to the concept of emotional support. 😂
To be fair, he absolutely adores his niece.
Every year he carefully picks out educational toys and learning gifts to send her for her birthday because he genuinely wants her to grow up happy and capable.
He just somehow manages to turn a birthday wish into a motivational speech.
Meanwhile, I was just trying to make sure the birthday girl actually felt like... well... the birthday girl. 😂
