Survivor’s guilt lingers in the crevices of Keith’s heart. He’ll need his friends now more than ever.
Everything is happening in a series of echoes. It’s much like the distant and hollow shouts coming from the other side of a cave that goes on far deeper than anticipated.
(If he listens, he can hear what he thinks are voices amidst the crescendo of gunfire.)
Pain surges in fiery spiderwebs along his leg and he wonders how he’s standing, or if he’s standing at all.
Through tunnel vision, he can see an ally ship burst against the sky. A hail of laser shots split the cockpit and he knows whomever is aboard won’t come out alive.
No!
There are orders to fall back – fall back! – over the crackling intercom. He can’t move through the unbearable pain, but someone is dragging him along the floor while the rear entrance of their cruiser hisses to a close.
They’re taking off.
“That ship,” he manages, although his voice is hoarse. “Who was on that ship?”
He knows the answer. He dreads the answer.
“Kolivan.”
—-
“Contact Voltron. Tell them we’re returning their paladin for care.”
No,
I can’t go back. I can’t.
I can’t go back.
Cold sweat collects on his forehead and plasters his bangs to his skin. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open.
“Please, I can’t…”
No one hears him.
—-
When he wakes, it’s with a start.
In his mind he sees a Galra fighter poised to destroy, while around him explosives detonate against the black of space. The sounds of panic, the scent of fire, the taste of blood in his mouth.
He gasps and stumbles out of the healing pod, and there, he finds Kolivan watching.
“Hey! Hey, Allura! Keith’s awake!”
Keith’s legs buckle and Kolivan vanishes.
“Whoa, are you okay? Can I help you up?” Hunk has a hand extended and somewhere down the corridor, Keith hears approaching footsteps.
Reality sets in.
No, this can’t be right. This can’t be right, he thinks, because he can’t be here. He can’t be here because he should be –
“Keith?”
– dead.
“Alright, I’ve got’cha.” Hunk is bracing him by his elbows, cautiously helping him into a stand, but Keith isn’t able to hold his imploring gaze. Hunk offers a patient smile. “There you go.”
Allura’s arrived at their side, her expression melting from trepidation to concern. “Keith…” She reaches out to guide him into a gentle embrace.
He can feel his eyes burn with thorny tears.
“I’m so sorry,” she’s saying, her chin resting on his shoulder, “but you’re safe now. I promise.”
He chokes on a sob.
—-
Anxiety is asphyxiating when he rests in his bed for the first time in ages.
His room in the castle remains unchanged; it’s as barren as the day he’d left. There are no knickknacks collected from their adventures, and no hidden items he’d brought along from Earth. As he gazes at the stark white walls, he wishes he had more. The emptiness feels sterile.
Cold.
There’s a crushing loneliness in his chest that’s all too familiar.
The Blades are better off without him, he thinks. He’s a curse. If it weren’t for him…
He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes and attempts to even out his breathing. He’s exhausted, truly, but sleep is evasive, and when he closes his eyes, all he sees is a nightmare.
Kolivan nods in approval.
A ship swells until it ruptures.
His heart begins to shudder with panic as nausea sends him spinning. He has to move. He has to get up. Keith kicks off his blanket and swings his legs towards the floor, rising to his feet.
He needs to breathe.
He can’t breathe.
His door opens and shuts behind him and he finds himself heading towards the kitchen. It’s a mindless walk, his brow furrowed with distraction, but the sound of a dish being set down on the table pulls him out of his stupor.
It hadn’t occurred to him that someone else might be awake.
“Oh,” he says intelligently, meeting Lance’s eyes.
Biting back a yawn, Lance lifts a hand in a wave. “Hey, man.”
Keith considers backpedaling but those dark eyes rove over him, absorbing his state before he has the chance to disappear.
“You ever just miss home?”
Is that why Lance is up?
“Sometimes I just really…really miss home. No place like Earth, y’know? No alien wars or saving the universe, just time at the beach with the family.”
Keith thinks of his own loneliness and wonders how Lance must feel.
Does it keep him up often?
“Don’t get me wrong: I like the whole Voltron thing and I definitely love feeling like I’m part of something important. I just kinda wonder when we’ll get to go home. I feel like we all just need a nice long vacation.” Lance rubs his eyes and drops his gaze to his slippers before putting on a happier face. “What about you? Where would you go, if you could?”
Keith considers. “The beach does sound nice.”
Lance grins at him. “Right? Glad you think so, too.”
They stay in an amicable silence for a few ticks and Keith sincerely feels a bit lighter. He wonders if he should thank Lance, although he doubts it would make sense. Instead, he says, “I’m gonna try to go to sleep.”
“Me too.” Lance yawns once more, although this one is theatrical. “Gotta catch a few Zs myself.” He passes Keith but pauses before exiting. “Oh, and Keith?” He smiles. “Glad to have you back.”
Keith softens. “Thanks.”
“Night, dude.”
Keith feels warmer now, yet he knows once he’s returned to his lifeless room, sleep will not come easily.
He hopes Lance finds more success.
—-
“What about Keith?”
He halts in the hallway just beyond the briefing room.
“Just give him time,” Shiro is saying to the team. “He’ll need it to heal.”
Keith considers turning around until he hears Allura ask, “what do you suppose happened out there?”
He bristles.
Stop talking about me.
Stop talking about me.
“We know the Galra intercepted the Blade of Marmora on their mission to planet Hox.” Pidge swivels in her chair. “We also know there were casualties.”
A white-hot rage ignites under his skin. His chest constricts in agony.
Stop talking about…
Hunk nods. “Yeah. Kolivan, right?”
Keith pops.
“You guys wanna know what happened?” he’s shouting as he storms into the briefing room, his hands pumping into fists. He can’t stop his anger; he can’t reel in his fury.
