To my moots: Hi everyone! Some of you may have noticed some subtle changes in my bio recently, and I want to be upfront about it. Some of you may know me through BVB, some of you may know me through the teacher crush community, or as a queer Muslim, or any of the other various phases in my life I have went through. So I wanted to take some time to reintroduce myself.
Hi everyone. My name is Lily, I'm a queer Muslim, adopted from Wuhan, China (yes, birthplace of covid.) And I'm currently in a relationship with the most wonderful girl in the world. A fellow queer Muslim, who also happens to be into astrophysics. 😄 My bio contains everything you need to know about me and what you should expect when reading my blog. I love creative writing, my dog, cello, BVB, rock and metal, and most importantly, astronomy. And that's what I wanted to talk about today.
I've wanted to be an astronomer since I was 6 years old (I think. I was in kindergarten and I have an October birthday.) But in just 1 short year, I went from "astronomy is my dream job, but I'll settle for anything related." to "I want this with all of my heart. Nothing can stop me and I'll keep trying no matter what it takes." (Graduation and the absolute shit job market will do that to you.) As you know, I've gone through various phases of interest in my life, but astronomy is what keeps coming back again, and again and again. In a way, my teacher crush, Michael, has been a huge influence for me, as well as all of the brilliant women of astronomy and science in general who had to fight to be given the opportunities I have now. Specifically, both Michael's hero and mine, astronomer Cecilia Payne-Gaposchkin. Their persistence inspires me to keep going. But in another way, this path is entirely my own. I'm doing this with or without Michael. He wasn't the one who made want to become a scientist. I was. He didn't get myself through my hardest year of college. I did. I got myself through all of that, and came out stronger and more determined than before. Michael helped me see just how bad I wanted it. This post is me finally claiming that goal. To not downplay it or hide it like I used to because I felt it was too much or too ambitious. To move from "someday" to "right now."
I want to do research. I want to get my PhD. I want to teach and become a professor, not for him, but for my younger self. The little girl who dreamed of the stars. I've battled that desire for a year. I thought it would be too hard. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. But the thing that's kept me going is this: The only way to ensure failure is to never try at all. I'm terrified. I could not get in. I could get stressed and drop out. But that will never hurt as much as the pain of not trying and wondering what would happen if I did. I'm applying this fall so that I can hopefully get in next school year. But if not, I'll keep trying, again, and again, and again. Because nothing else will satisfy me.
There's going to be a shift in content hopefully soon. I almost never post about astronomy on this blog and I want to change that, not just the science itself but of my journey, and my experience with loving a field that doesn't necessarily love you back. I'm hopefully going to start posting academia, professor related stuff soon, and if that's not your thing, feel free to unfollow me, I don't mind. No hard feelings. I just wanted you to know. Love you all. Keep following your dreams.❤️
