past stony, possible maybe future winteriron, when I do continue this. This is also some kind of fix-it, I think... This is more stony though, since winteriron doesn’t have much interaction yet. Steve POV and while I try to be fair to him, I’m still making him miserable. at least he’s not stupid in this? Just very... emotional.
warning: major character death, Tony is dead, temporarily. suicide (not Tony, this is post siberia and tony is dead by how he usually died, which is in siberia). Maybe not quite steve friendly?
Also.... I have so many unfinished fics (agghhhh) but I just can’t help this, alright. I really should get back to writing my thesis instead of another fanfic. Or at least continuing my unfinished ones instead of adding more.....
By the way, these are more like excerpts and dialogues I’ve had in mind for this story, but I don’t have the drive to write them into proper paragraphs yet. So, here it is. The prologue (probably).
It wasn’t supposed to go like this.
It was - It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Tony Stark - he never meant to kill him.
He wasn’t supposed to die. He wasn’t.
“-last night. He was found barely alive within an abandoned Bunker in Siberia just a few hour before. However, despite the efforts of all the doctors involved, Anthony Edward Stark, owner of Stark Industries, had breathed his last. More information to come.”
“Doctors have suggested that if he had been brought back sooner, there was a chance he would still be alive. However, he was found with a non-functional suit and no way to contact the outside world. That he was found at all, by the Doctor’s account, was a miracle.”
“-horizontal slash across his chest. As you can see on this model right here, you can see the amount of damage it had done to his ribs and organs. Mr. Stark had a history of bad heart, and he made it no secret that he’d had the arc reactor embedded into his sternum in his earlier career as Iron Man. Thus, the area around his torso was exceptionally weak, even by regular human standard. Internal bleeding and organ failure could be expected when something like a vibranium shield crashed against it. He would be drowning in his own blood, if hypothermia didn’t set in first. It was an exceptionally cruel method of killing, the agonizing and slow death, especially since it was done by someone who, allegedly, was a friend of his.”
“You told me he was fine, Captain!”
“I thought he was! I thought -”
“Did you even check if he was?”
“He was talking, Sam! He told me I didn’t deserve the shield his father made, he told me to give it back, so I did!”
“A dying man can talk, Steve! A dying man can still lash out! It didn’t mean he wasn’t dying!”
“A man has died, Captain. Not just any man, but Tony Stark. Whatever you thought then, the fact is the man is now dead. The world knows you did it, as no else had a vibranium shield, and you’ve left it with him. You’ll be known as the man that killed Iron Man, now. Do you have any idea what you’ll face?”
He didn’t know. He didn’t. He could barely even believe Tony was dead.
How could he be dead? He survives.
He couldn’t - he couldn’t be dead.
Captain America used to stand for the values of America, of Freedom and Justice. He was the paragon of the righteous, of the honor and moral rightness.
“Captain America took away my best friend to keep his. Why should his best friend more important than my best friend? What was it about his best friend that made Captain America thought that my best friend should be the one that dies? How is that right? Where’s the justice in that?”
He didn’t mean to. He didn’t -
“The last of the Starks have died, and it was my fault!”
“No, it wasn’t. It was yours, but you’ve made it mine anyway because you did it for me! You did it in my name!”
“Does it matter, whether you meant to or not? He’s dead, and that’s another person, Steve, another one that died without me wanting it!”
“It wasn’t the same! It was - God, I didn’t mean to kill him, Buck. You know that! It was an accid-”
“How could it be an accident, when it was your shield that rammed through his chest? When it was your strength that drove it through his armor? You didn’t see where your shield was going? You didn’t know that it was a man’s chest you’ve pressured your shield into?”
“Leave me, Steve. Fuck, just fuckin’ leave.”
Everything was falling apart.
Everything has fallen apart.
Like a ripple, those that felt the consequence weren’t just friends and loved ones, weren’t just the Avengers or the Rogue Avengers.
Tony Stark was a man. Just a man. But, he also wasn’t.
Tony Stark was bigger. He was everything, everywhere. He was bigger, even more than Steve.
So, how could he die? He was a phoenix, he survived Afghanistan, survived a worm hole. He survived everything.
So, how could a mere Steve Rogers killed him?
“--over three thousand people have lost their jobs all over the world. Without Tony Stark to maintain the quality of the products they’ve been selling and without weapons contract to get by, as what happened when Howard Stark had died, it was inevitable downsizing would happen. Investors have been pulling away their funds from Stark Industries, citing that while Virginia Potts was an excellent CEO and the reason why the company was still standing, the core of Stark Industries have always been Tony Stark’s brain. Without the man and no one willing to step into the shoes he had left behind, it is predicted that even more downsizing will happen, and so will the increase of unemployed masses. Here are the words from those that had to leave their jobs behind.”
“Mr. Stark was an eccentric man, but he was a fair owner. He talked to us, you know, even though we’re just janitor or errand boy. He knew our names, so did Ms. Potts, and they were the best boss I’ve ever had. I would know, I’ve been in plenty of jobs before. I’ve met many managers and bosses. But, no one was as fair as Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts. I’m not bitter I lost my job. It happens. But, I’m still blaming Captain America that this happens at all. Thousands of people had to be let go, thousands of people lost their job, their livelihood destroyed. Captain America may have killed just one man, but he’d destroyed the lives of thousands more.”
“If someone had to die then, why couldn’t it be the Winter Soldier? He was a killer, no life was dependent on him, no one even knew who he was. Why was it Mr. Stark that had to die?”
“It was a morbid thought we’ve been having since the Avengers were first made public. They were heroes, sure, but when you lived through aliens and robot armies, you can’t help but think which one of those that stood on the front lines will die first? No one is invincible, after all. Logically, it should be one of the regular humans, right? The spies, the unenhanced. The man in a suit of armor. It was a selfish thought I’ve had, since I was an employee of Stark Industries, that I hope everyone else will die first before Tony Stark. Most of the employees have this thought, I know. Because you’ll only need to work there for a week to understand, without Tony Stark, there’s no Stark Industries, and no job. We might survive for another day, but without livelihood, then we might as well die. We were right.”
“Captain America did this, but he won’t take responsibility for it, will he? Because of him, I lost my job, my only means to feed my children. He said he’d protect the little guys? What a laugh. He just destroyed the lives of those little guys he claimed to protect! I’m a single mother, my pay here and the benefits were supposed to be enough to get my two children to college. Now, because he killed my boss, I’m not even sure I can get my kids through elementary school.”
“I’m.... I don’t know, people lose their jobs. It happens. This... will certainly makes my life harder, but I still have my parents to help me. I guess... It’s not like I like Mr. Stark all that much, but..... He wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t a villain or anything. Sure, he used to be a weapon manufacturer, but he didn’t do that anymore. Just... Captain America left Loki alive. He even brought in a reformed HYDRA agent into his team. So, why did Captain America kill Mr. Stark? What was it that he did that was worse than trying to take over the world with an alien army and serving under a terrorist group? I just... I don’t understand that. I’m sorry, excuse me.”
“I used to be a fan of Captain America. But, after what he’d done? Even him turning himself in won’t do anything. Imprison him? Then what was he going to do in there? Think? Tony Stark is still dead. I still don’t have a job. My life is still in shambles. I don’t know Mr. Stark personally, but he had given me more than Captain America ever did. I wish if someone had to die, it was Captain America and that friend of his. At least I’ll still have a job and can still feed my family then.”
“Tony Stark’s death led to many consequences to many other people, and people have demanded for either his blood or for him to take responsibility. But, despite all the questions asked, there are still no one willing to answer them. There are still --”
So many things he didn’t know.
So many things he didn’t realize.
He thought he knew everything that was important. But, the most important thing still slip by him.
He thought he was doing the right thing.
Instead, all he did was -
“You should’ve just left me alone, Steve.”
“...I couldn’t do that, Buck. I can’t.”
“...Yeah, you can’t. You can never stop fighting, can you? Not until either of us dies.”
A vibranium bullet straight to his head, from the gun he himself held in between his eyes. Just one shot, and it’ll be over.
“I won’t let you add more red to my ledger, Stevie. This is the only way, the only way you’ll stop. The only way I’ll stop adding more names.”
Just one bullet and another person dies.
Everything was wrong. He did everything wrong.
“How could they do that? Just send a nuke into a populated area? How could people that were supposed to protect the people make a decision like that?
What was the right thing?
“They sacrificed millions to save billions. If they were to leave it alone, then no one would get saved at all. Instead of millions dead, there wouldn’t even be a planet left to save.”
“But, how could they think that? Shouldn’t we try and save everyone? Numbers shouldn’t matter like that. People’s lives shouldn’t be quantified as statistics!”
Was there anything he’d done right? At all?
“But, Steve, we did save everyone.”
“...Yeah, you’re right. WSC might be the kind of people willing to make sacrifices, but I’m glad this century has people like you, Tony.”
“....Wait, is that a compliment?”
“Uh, yeah? Wait, is giving a compliment meant something else in this century?”
“Oh, no no. Compliment away. Fury’ll probably warn you that you shouldn't give me too much. Big head, genius, you know.”
“Why not? You’re pretty awesome, Tony.”
“.....You- you know what? Never mind.Thanks, Steve.”
How did everything turn out like this?
“Do you think I’m a good person, Tony?”
“Ha, fishing for compliments, are you Cap? Fine, here it is, I think you’re the best person there is. There.”
“I mean it, Tony. Just... I had to choose, today. I’m not sure if I chose the right thing, or if I chose it because it was easier. Maybe, I was being selfish - but, I can’t tell you what it was about, Tony. But-”
“You’re overthinking it,” Tony had said, barely looking away from the hologram screen in front of him. “The ‘right thing’, as you put it, doesn’t always have to be hard. Sometimes, it can be the easiest thing you do. In my opinion, something that is right should be the thing that has the least lives lost, the least destruction wrought. Saving people can’t ever be a bad thing, whoever it is we saved. If I can save everyone in the world for the price of one, then I’ll make sure that one is just me and myself, and I’ll think of it as the best bargain there is.”
“Tony…. You shouldn’t think that.”
“Ha, well, if that does happen, I can count on you to save me, right Cap?”
“C’mon, I got your back, Cap.”
But, Tony’s dead, and he’s not coming back.
And now Bucky is dead, because of me.
“My father made that shield!”
The loneliness and the loss gripped him like a vice, tearing his heart apart like the most vicious animal. The regrets of the choices he’d made pulling at the remnants, biting into his bones and skull.
I’m sorry, God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, he wanted to yell out, but the only thing that was torn out of his vocal chord was a wordless scream. His hands went to his eyes, pressing hard as if he could tear the images behind his eyelids.
Of Bucky, holding a gun to his own head because Steve couldn’t stop.
Of Tony, his gold-and-red armor glinting under him, the blurry orange glow of sunset on his gold plating that Steve slammed his shield on.
Please, God, I’m so sorry -
He could still remember, the vibration running from his hand to his arm when the shield hit the casing of the arc reactor, through the gold-and red armor. He didn’t know, it wasn’t deeper than he thought. He couldn’t see it. Couldn’t feel it.
He remembered the choked gasp Tony let out, pained and forced. He didn’t think much of it, then.
Under his eyelids, he could still the blur of orange light where the gold and red mixed together.
He opened his eyes, and saw something had broken behind Tony’s eyes. He was watching him before he closed his eyes in resignation and closed his eyes, as if...
(He’d seen that look before, the look of a soldier that knew, without doubt, he will die soon)
Steve looked down to his hands, the vibranium shield firmly embedded on Tony’s chest plate, deeper than he expected. The arc reactor had cracked and was pushed back, and -
“No-” Steve muttered out at his nightmare come alive. The feel of the shield, the shield he hadn’t touched for a long time, felt too real in his grip. The coldness of Siberia, he could still feel it into his bones. There was a smell he didn’t pay attention to before, the smell of rust, of metal, of blood.
He could hear how Tony was struggling to take a breath, air mixing with fluid.
Steve didn’t understand what was happening, but panic moved his hands. He stood back, pulling the shield away from where it was embedded. Tony groaned in pain when Steve pulled the shield away (did he not hear it, hear this? How could he ever thought that Tony was fine?).
From inside the crevice his shield left behind, there was a sound of electric sparking. He couldn’t see it, but something was broken.
Still in his panic, he moved away, trying to find something that could be used cover it (what good would it do?). There was Bucky, still lying on the floor, but he was awake. He was awake and he was fine. So, Steve went to him, still panicking about Tony, But, he knew Bucky was fine.
He was fine. All he lost was an arm that wasn’t even his.
“That shield doesn't belong to you,” Steve heard Tony said behind him. It froze him, the words. It repeated in his head, said in surround sound as his brain repeated the words in his memory with this words of his nightmare.
“You don't deserve it! My father made that shield!”
Steve could hear what he didn’t hear before, the effort Tony must use to force his words out. The gasp when he had to take a breath. The tremble in the words as he forced the words out. To appear strong, even though his eyes knew he was dying.
As if there wasn’t an injured man, dying and bleeding, drowning in his own blood, underneath the broken suit of armor.
His last defiance were words full pettiness indignation. But, it was his only way to fight left. His last line of defense.
Before he can’t fight anymore.
Steve still had no idea what was happening, what he was seeing. Why he was seeing this again. But, the loneliness and loss were still lodged in his throat. His regrets still carved into his bones.
So, he dropped the shield he didn’t realize was still in his hand and walked away with Bucky leaning by his side. Outside, like before, there was T’Challa, waiting with Zemo secured under his feet.
This time, when T’Challa asked, Steve answered “No, he’s not. I didn’t see any blood, but he could be having internal bleeding. Please, just... Help him first.”
Steve stared at the Quinjet he had used to leave the place before. The script was already changing. He could leave now, picking up his comrades from the underwater jail on his way. He could -
(Maybe, he should change something again. Could he?)
He wondered if this was simply a dream. A whimsical dream because of his grief. The scenario in his life that he could’ve changed, to see what would be the ther right choice.
(Will Tony still be dead, by the end of this dream? He still will, won’t he? So will Bucky.)
“Steve?” Bucky asked from his side, his voice soft and hesitant. “Are we leaving?”
(”I don’t think I’m worth this, Stevie”)
Steve remembered, how he just dragged Bucky to where he thought was best. Bucky just wanted to stop the awakened Winter Soldier. He never said anything about everything else. He just... wanted to clear his name.
He just didn’t want more names to add to his list.
It doesn’t feel right, leaving Tony behind.
(It didn’t feel right, leaving Tony behind, then. But, he had to. They had to leave. He had to protect Bucky. He had to.)
“I’m not,” Steve decided. “I... I think, maybe I should trust him. I should’ve trusted him, since the very beginning. I should’ve told him, everything. If I did, maybe... Maybe things won’t get to be like this. So I’m... I think I’m stopping here.”
There was something almost thoughtful in Bucky’s expression, something Steve couldn’t remember he ever saw in this Bucky before. Then, there was a small smile, just by the corners of his lips. Something almost like a relief.
Steve couldn’t remember ever seeing it before, the expression of relief, not until after the cryo before he heard of Tony’s death. That they’ve left a man to die.
(He didn’t want to run either. But, because of Steve -)
“’Kay,” he said and stayed right by his side. They waited in silence, waiting until T’Challa came out, carrying Tony and his armor (and the shield, the circular shield that once was the symbol of Captain America) on his back.
