#fypo

[c0sm0isd3ad]

Can we bring this back

[angelinthefire]

i can't decide between cute shit and timestamp

Re: this tag game

Thank you for asking!

"Cute shit"

So this is a pretty generic post-15x19, Cas-is-back-from-the-Empty fic. The setup is a lot like "Status quo ante bellum", in that Dean is still working towards fully expressing his feelings towards Cas, and Cas isn't sure where he stands. But Dean is being pretty clearly clingy, so Cas doesn't have the intense anxiety that he does in "Status quo". They go on the clown-mask-vampire hunt, Dean gets impaled, but Cas is there to heal him. But because Dean was so badly injured, it takes a lot out of Cas, and he passes out. Sam and Dean take Cas back to the motel and get him a room, and Dean stays with him overnight. The excerpt picks up the next morning. It's mostly just dialogue.

Cas wakes up first. Frozen, kind of terrified. 

Dean is snuggled into him by now. 

Dean wakes up. Jerks away in shock but recovers quickly.

Cas looks at him nervously.

Dean smiles bashfully, "Hope I didn’t wake you up?"

C: "No you didn’t"

D: "Good. How’re you doing? Anything screwed up?"

C: "No, I’m better."

D: Sighs, relieved. "I was scared."

C: Raises his eyebrows. "You were scared for me?"

D: "‘Course."

C: "Dean, you could’ve died." 

D: "Yeah that scared me too."

C: "Yeah. Me too."

D: "But… if I died… you’d come see me, right? Sneak into my memory box, wake me up? And we could just… hang out on the holodeck?"

C: "It’s a poor substitute for life."

D: "But you’d do it?"

C: (softly) "Yeah."

D: "Good. Y’know, I think… I mean… I wanna spend forever with you."

Cas stares, entirely disarmed. 

Dean’s eyes fall to his lips. 

He leans in. Cas is very still, and closes his eyes. Dean kisses him very softly.

Cas’ eyes are still closed when he pulls away.

Cas opens his eyes. Looks unsettled.

So Dean kisses him again. This time something clicks with Cas and he starts to kiss him back.

2. Timestamp

This is the scene from "Forget your perfect offering" in chapter 4 where Claire goes off to talk to Dean in the kitchen. I wrote the dialogue when I wrote the chapter, so that I would have a clear idea of what was happening with Dean, even though I never intended to post it with the fic. I'm actually pretty sure that I posted it on tumblr at some point, but I can't find it now.

The setup is that Dean is trying to give Cas what he wants so that he'll stay. And Jody, Kaia and Claire come over for a family dinner. And Dean basically tells Claire not to screw it up with her attitude. But he apologizes later, and that's when this scene takes place. Under the cut.

Dean feels bad for telling Claire not to be a weirdo, and asks her to help him with dessert so they can talk in the kitchen.

Dean: Sorry for being, y’know…

Claire: An asshole?

D: Yeah. I guess this whole thing’s got me on-edge.

C: What whole thing?

D: Y’know. Being with Cas. It’s a mindfuck. I mean, you get it, right?

C: Get what?

D: You know…

Claire stares at him.

D: Suddenly being different from how you thought you were.

Claire keeps staring at him.

D: Oh, come on. Your dad was all into Jesus. He didn’t raise you to think being gay was normal. Don’t you ever get hung up on what he’d think if he saw you today?

C: (getting agitated) No, I don’t, because he’s dead. And I had an angel in me, so I know that none of that shit matters.

D: Yeah, but when you started being into girls, you’re saying you didn’t ever worry what other people would think?

C: What the hell, I’m not your therapist, Dean!

D: Yeah. Right. Sorry.

C: (softening, just a little) I get that you need someone to talk to about this crap. But did you think that maybe that someone should be your boyfriend?

D: Talk to Cas? The dude spent eternity as, like, a giant lightbulb or something. I don’t think he knows what it’s like for everyone he knows to suddenly see him as some… some kinda… ugh.

Dean cuts into the rice krispie squares. Claire regards him cooly. The way Dean said "some kinda" gets under her skin.

Claire leans over the counter, and says to Dean in a low, icy voice.

C: Faggot.

Dean freezes and stares at Claire like she just slapped him.

D: What?

C: That’s what you were gonna say, right? That's what you are now.

Dean looks at Claire like he’s about to cry.

C: And you can wear your plaid, and carry a gun and talk like Batman, but that won't change the fact that that's all you are to some people. They'll see you and Cas together and that'll be it, they'll never see you as anything but dirty and wrong and weak. And I dunno, maybe your dad would've been one of them. But you gotta decide whether or not you're going to let them control your life. You gotta decide whether all that bullshit is worth it.

Claire takes the knife from Dean and goes back to cutting the rice krispie squares.

D: (after a long beat) Yeah. Yeah, Cas is worth it.

C: (significant look) I don't mean Cas. I mean being yourself.

D: (some kind of subtexutal reminder that Dean still thinks he's not really in love with Cas) Heh. Yeah. Thanks Claire.

C: Whatever. Don't start thinking I'm your gay Yoda.

D: It’ll be hard. You give good advice. For a dyke.

C: (good natured) Pansy.

D: Queer.

C: Cocksucker.

D: Nah, that’s not till later tonight.

C: Ew!

D: What, you don’t wanna hear about my plans for Cas’ cock?

C: No! Shut up, Dean!

[angelinthefire]

for the fic writing ask: 1 2 3 7 19

deep fic writer asks

what's the fic youre most proud of?

Right now it's gotta be Ignite your bones. It's definitely the fic I was the most careful with, and spent the most time thinking about, and refining. And the thing I'm proud of about it is that I've gotten exactly the reaction out of readers that I set out to get. Dean-kills-Sam is a risky premise, as is, I feel, not having a trajectory that's focused on healing, but still winding up some place that's "happy". There are a lot of fics that are about recovery and healing, and I understand the appeal, but I just don't think Dean and Cas are capable of "fixing" each other. But I think that's a narrative that some readers have come to expect. To end with: Dean and Cas are in no way healthy, but they're able to be unhealthy in a less damaging way -- and then people like it -- that's really satisfying.

I do also want to mention Forget your perfect offering, because I'm proud of it for a reason that does not seem to have resonated with many readers. Which is the treatment of Heaven in a philosophical sense. Picking at its threads but not unraveling it. Respecting the fact that Heaven is the angels' home, but really getting into its inconsistencies at the same time. I put a lot of my worldview into it, and I'm really pleased with how it turned out.

2. what's a fic that took you to an emotional/dark/hard place?

Ignite your bones, easily. Especially the first half. There's an aspect of writing that's kind of comparable to method acting, putting yourself in the character's perspective and connecting it up with personal experience to understand how to communicate what they're going through. Going through that process with one depressing scene after another kind of sucked and was not fun. I write about Dean's depression quite a bit, like that's a big aspect of the character to me. But he was spinning his wheels so much in this fic, and he got so low. It was just not a good place to be in. If I was not looking forward to the ending so much, I could not have written it.

3. what fic are you emotionally attached to?

I answered this here, but I just thought of a better answer. Fire (which I posted on AO3 in 2013, but I first wrote and posted it on lj in 2006), an angsty Giles/Jenny from BtVS one-shot, is the first thing I ever wrote where I felt like I was really ~doing something~ with a motif, the first time I felt really ~writerly~. So that one's special to me.

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

It impacts me immensely. I have written more words of fic since Nov 5, 2020 than ever before in my life. And that's only partially due the inspiration of the source material. Up to that point, for the most part, I was mainly focused on BtVS fic, and mostly Giles/Jenny. Which is not the most popular ship. And there are some very lovely people in that fandom, and I did get wonderful feedback, that means a lot to me, and I feel bad for abandoning a Giles/Jenny WIP when destiel went canon, and I do intend to finish it at some point. But just the size of the destiel fandom means that I get so many more hits of dopamine from positive feedback, it does drive me to write more to keep that going. Basically, everything I do needs to win me the praise and approval of my peers or else I wither and die.

19. If you could write an ideal fic, what would it include?

For me, it would be something that hews as close to canon as reasonably possible (I do prefer canon divergent to 100% canon compliant), including having the same tone and structure as the show. It would be a casefic (something I have generally never been able to write). But the emotional story would be a continuous thread throughout. It would be about Dean and Cas getting together. But it would happen so natually that it could replace what actually happened on the show in my mind.

ETA: rereading this, it sounds like a boring answer, and maybe it is. Maybe I'm just incredibly basic. But the key thing is that it's able to make you feel like you just watched an episode. Rather than feel like you just read a good story.

Thanks for asking!

[angelinthefire]

Gabriel climbs the steps until he’s eye-level with Cas.

“There's a few things I know,” he says firmly. “You can't fix Heaven, and you can’t change angels.”

Cas’ gaze sharpens. “I changed.”

Gabriel takes another step up the stairs, looking Cas up-and-down. “Did you? Naomi sure tried. She was the one who was trying to change you.”

Cas frowns, taken aback.

Gabriel continues, “Not Dean Winchester. Not ‘the power of love’ or whatever. You’ve always been… this.” He sweeps his hand towards Castiel. “A jumped-up tin soldier with a bleeding heart and a lack of social skills.”

(Read)

[angelinthefire]

Hi <3 I'm researching biblically accurate angel trueform for my WIP. I have to say, it's been some months since i read your All my secret wishes series and i am still stunned and in awe today by the way you've managed to describe the abstract and the metaphysical aspect of heaven/angels. It really stuck with me.

You read like someone who knows a lot about the subject, so i was wondering (if i recall correctly 🙈) why did you choose to represent Cas more like an Ophanim, when he's a Seraph? I haven't read many fics with Cas' trueform but the few ones I've stumbled across depicted him (kind of) like that too (rings full of eyes gravitating around one big eye, as opposed to the Seraphs' description of basically 3 sets of wings and nothing more).

Have a good day/night 😊💖

Hi! I don't actually know much about the subject, I just grew up Eastern Rite Catholic and absorbed a little bit about angels through osmosis. Like, Anna is kinda based on the icons of Seraphim that were in the church I went to. And Naomi is based on the angel character that was in A Wind In The Door (the sequel to A Wrinkle In Time).

Cas is based on stuff that I vaguely remember from reading the Bible, like, 20 years ago, and just elements from my favourite fan depictions of his true form.

The decisions I made about the angel depictions were entirely secondary to what I wanted to do with them in the story. I wanted all three of them to be physically distinct from each other. And all of them had to be capable of fighting, so none of them could be *just* wings, or *just* wheels. Naomi has claws specifically for the comparison to medical instruments; Anna has swords to give her an "avenging angel"/justice vibe. So Cas' method of fighting had to be something different, hence the animal heads. I also wanted him to have several different components so that there could be multiple ways that he was permanently injured - blinded, scarred, etc. And I just really like the imagery of Cas having a wheel that wobbles and clunks as it turns, in addition to everything else wrong with him, I feel like it completes the picture. That's why he has wheels/rings too.

idk how helpful that is, but that's how I went about it.

[angelinthefire]

The angel has wings of fire, and wields two swords in its many-jointed arms. The sight sends a pang of nostalgia through Castiel, along with a mounting wave of worry. Anna.

[angelinthefire]

So a Catholic commented on my fic to say they "had beef" with a sex scene I wrote, and I'm actually pretty proud of that.

Going above and beyond the normal level of blasphemy for this fandom, apparently.

(the scene in beneath the read more, but also here's the full fic)

Cas hammers into Dean, chasing his release. But he knows that soon it will become too much for Dean. And his climax is still out of reach.

He pulls out, turns Dean over on his back, and takes his own cock in hand.

Dean’s eyes go from post-orgasm dopey to wide and awe-struck, sweeping over Cas’ form. His face is lit by a blue-white light.

Dean gasps, “Holy… Cas...”

Cas kisses Dean, hard.

When he pulls back, Cas thinks he can see Dean’s soul behind his eyes, reaching for him. Castiel swells with emotion, with things he's not built to contain or feel, so full he's spilling over, past the edges of his body, bleeding out of his skin, aching to bleed into Dean, to reach into him. His wings flare, his moans can barely mask the hum of his true voice as his hand flies over his cock, he looks on Dean with eyes he shouldn't be able to manifest on earth.

“Yes. Holy,” Cas rasps.

He braces himself over Dean, desperately working his cock, and can see the glow of his own grace reflected in Dean’s eyes.

“Holy, Holy God of power and love. Heaven and earth are full of your glory. Hosanna…”

Cas feels himself cresting over the peak. He looks into Dean’s eyes, and he can, he can see him, the heart of him, reaching, reaching to hold on to Cas. Can see the reflection of his grace, dancing next to Dean’s soul. Cas glows, and his glow extends out of his body, brushes Dean’s skin.

“Hosanna in the highest. Dean…”

Cas falls over the edge.

The emergency lights go dark. But in the glow of his grace Cas can see the long spurts of come that hit Dean’s chest.

With effort, Cas draws his wings back in, and shuts most of his eyes. His human body feels loose and wobbly, and he collapses on top of Dean. He feels Dean’s hand come up to tangle in his hair, hears him exhale, “Wow.”

Content, Cas nuzzles into Dean’s neck. The glow of Cas’ grace slowly fades, until they’re lying together in the dark, catching their breath.

[angelinthefire]

2, 3, 14, 20, 22 for the writing ask meme :)

Fun meta asks for writers

2 answered here

3) What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

There's two of these, and I have posts about both of them. One is the fic idea where Angel turns Jenny instead of killing her, and she stalks and torments Giles for a while before she's cursed with a soul. I straight-up posted my outline notes, so it also demonstrates my approach to writing. But THE scene in that, that I did write out in full, is one where she's taunting him and he can't kill her. It's the push and pull between love and horror.

The other is a nine-year-old idea for an alternate season 7. The boss leviathan keeps possessing Cas' body throughout the season, and much more monstrous than Dick Roman was. And he's kind of obsessed with Dean, because he has an inflated idea of Dean's objective importance due to learning about him from Cas' mind. And ALSO Cas gets resurrected because he's tethered to Dean's soul. But every time he's resurrected back into the same body that's being occupied by the leviathan, and it keeps killing him. I'm not going to write it because it would by necessity be sprawling. And also the Dean/Cas elements would not cross the line into clear romance, because everything is too awful for everyone to think about it. There's not really one specific scene I'd like to write, but there'd be so many opportunities for some fun intensity and psychological torment. Here is the original post I made about the idea nine years ago.

Both of these are pretty dark, huh.

14) At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Mid-way through if it's a longer story, at the end if its a short one. I need to get some writing done before the themes really start to develop, and then I can decide what I want the title to focus on. If I even have an idea for the title, lol.

22) Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Absolutely. There's a couple I wouldn't go back to because the way I think about the characters changed, but in general I really enjoy my own fic, and I wish I could read it without being spoiled, lol.

20) Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Oof this is a tough question because there's so much I could ramble about for so many fics that my mind goes blank.

Okay, one thing that springs to mind, that I'm not sure anyone has noticed, is how the ease with which with Dean tells Cas "I love you" changes over the course of FYPO. When it starts out, he says it quite easily, because he thinks he's just saying it because it's what Cas wants to hear. And as the story progresses, it becomes harder for him. When Dean and Cas have their little island vacation, Dean can't say it, because he would really mean it. So the first time Dean says "I love you" and consciously means it is during the fight he has with Cas. And it's also the first time saying "I love you" doesn't get Cas to stay with him. :)

I want to ramble about IYB too, but I'm afraid of giving away the ending.

thanks for asking!