I Hate You I Love You
Author's Notes
Eeeek, my first HSS Prime fic! I'm so excited to share this messiness with y'all! I want to thank @hsslilly-blog for putting up with my ramblings and giving me insight, thank you, laís, you're the best!
English isn't my first language, so please forgive any typos/grammar mistakes
Check out my masterlist for more content!
The author reccomends listening to the song 'I Hate You I Love You' by Olivia O'Brien for a better experience
Summary: Who is the true owner of Julian Castillo's heart?
Word Count: 3.2k
Pairing: F!HSS Prime MC x Julian Castillo (x Autumn Brooks)
Category: Angst, love triangle, teenage love
TW: Strong language
Rating: PG-13
Book: High School Story: Prime
… Feeling used, but I'm still missing you
And I can't see the end of this
“You’re… breaking up with me, Julian?” Gala gaped, tears on her eyes, her heart racing, her chest hurting.
“Yes, Gala. I just—She and I go way back—,”
“Who’s she?” She asked, her voice sharp, angry tears on her eyes.
Julian looked down his shoes, biting his lips.
Gala got closer to him “Who is she, Julian?!”
People in closer hangouts stopped to see what that confrontation was about.
Defeated, he admitted “Autumn.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. Her heart broke, shattered and dropped to her feet. She staggered back, as if smacked, and her breath caught.
“Autumn…” She whispered. Then, anger and betrayal flared on her, shoving him “Autumn?! My best friend?! My closest friend?! Fuck, Julian, FUCK IT, FUCK YOU!” She bellowed, shoving him as she screamed. He made no movement, accepting the rage and tears. She took a few deep breaths and asked “How long?”
“Gala, I—,”
“Julian! How. Long?” She screamed, her eyes wide, pulsating with fury and pure, raw betrayal. “How long have the two of you—,”
“Two months and a half.”
Yet another slap at her soul. More tears rolled down her cheeks.
She swallowed “Did you two…?” God, she couldn’t say it.
He seized her shoulders “Gala, I never touched her, let alone kissed her! I just… It just happened. We… like each other. A lot. And we want to explore what could’ve been. Otherwise… I may regret it.”
Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips
And now all this time is passing by
Gala looked at his lips for a moment, remembering how it felt to kiss him. How right it felt, how magical it was. But it was all a lie for him. She had seen some odd interactions between them, but never thought that he’d actually…
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
The face she saw first and last, one that had become dearest to her, was now just a broken mirage, as they hadn’t been everything.
All those kisses, all those dates, declarations of love, both public and private, a whole year of magic down the drain for… Fuck knows what.
Realize how much I need you
He had been more than just a high school boyfriend. He had been her friend, her love, her first in everything. First boy to like her back. First date. First kiss. First dance at Homecoming. First time someone touched her in forbidden places…
Had it been so meaningless for him? She knew he had a heartthrob’s reputation and at never truly dated, but she thought this was different, that this was real.
… I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
“Do you hate me, Gala?” He asked.
“…I hate that I thought I was special to you.”
She turned around “You were! You are, Gala, damn it!”
But she didn’t look back.
Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
A month had passed, and both had moved on. Ish. The atmosphere had changed. Gala was the alma mater of the school, and Julian was the perfect prince charming that ruled at her side, and now it was all broken. Julian and Autumn had received some backlash for breaking their founder’s heart.
“How could she do that to her own best friend? Didn’t she have a boyfriend?”
“Oh yes, I saw Zac yesterday. He was proper devastated…”
Then, everyone, including Autumn and Julian turned around at the scene that shocked everyone: Gala and Ace De La Cruz, laughing and holding hands, looking cozy and talking. She was wearing a white tee with a pencil skirt and her hair up, with her glasses and braces, but my God, Julian thought, she looked beautiful. Many of the Hearst team roasted him for dating an ‘ugly, nerdy girl’, but she had never been ugly to him. With light olive skin, wide, expressive and honeyed brown eyes and full lips, with a charisma that drew you in and a magnetic presence, he was soon in her thrall.
Realizing he was staring, and Autumn was looking at him, he cleared his throat and smiled at her, stroking her arm “Let’s get to class, hmm?”
Autumn gave him a wary look “Okay…”
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
Gala and Ace arrived at chemistry class, one of her favorites, still holding hands with Ace as they made jokes about chemistry. They sat at the front row, exchanging glances and inside jokes they’ve made over the weeks.
During class, they showed their power as a couple. They answered swiftly, in synchrony, as if they were one. They even added witty remarks and earned credits from their professor. Gala felt proud of herself, but it was odd not to help Julian out, whisper and text discreetly the answer. Once, she even glanced her phone to see if he’d ask her, but no. He asked Nishan instead.
He and Autumn whispered and giggled, glancing at each other and their phones, exchanging glances with meaning. That hurt Gala deeply. Just a month ago, they were each other’s everything, and now, it was as if it never happened.
Did he event suffer, think of her, cry when the thought of her came?
She’d never know.
… I miss you when I can't sleep
A few weeks ago, Julian laid on his bed, scrolling through his contacts aimlessly when he found Gala’s number “My Forever Girl” with emojis. By instinct, he almost pressed the call button, but stopped just an inch before it. God. It had become such an instinct to take two minutes to call her goodnight and chat a bit, that it now felt strange. It had become an integral part of his life, and now it was… not.
A call popped off in his phone, and he nearly jumped out of joy.
“Is it you, moonflower?” He whispered. Moonflower. The nickname he had for Gala.
“No… It’s me, Autumn,” his heart dropped “I—I came to call goodnight. Who’s moonflower?”
“It’s… never mind, a slip of mind.”
Or right after coffee, or right when I can't eat
He sat at the café he loved, right in front of Berry, and ordered his usual. He was scrolling through his phone when two warm hands covered him.
“Guess who?”
Gala…?
He opened his eyes. Autumn. Something moved inside his stomach, and he gave her a charming smile “Of course it’s you.”
I miss you in my front seat
A week before Gala revealed her relationship with Ace, Julian found himself staring in the library a small frame with a familiar tee and hair down, talking to Nishan. He perked up, hoping to see her. She turned around. It was Autumn, laughing at some reference he made. He smiled at her, waving at her.
Still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too
“How can you say that, bro?!” Julian asked Wes angrily.
“Because it’s true. You’re still in love with Gala, and your relationship with Autumn is going nowhere.”
“What the fuck, man!” It’s all he could say “You don’t know shit of me and Autumn!”
Wes shrugged “Sure, you two have chemistry and there is something, but it’s a small fancy, a frizzy connection. What you and Gala had—and still have—is legit. It’s real. And you just lost it. Probably forever.”
And I'm always tired, but never of you
The match against Hearst was coming, and Julian was training late on the field. He had a spare key that Gala had given him, and he ran as the wet grass quelched against his boots. Panting and recovering from the fifty laps, he looked around… and saw her, on the stands, typing furiously. He then remembered the late nights where she’d write rehearsal exams so she’d be prepared for everything while he trained late at night. Deciding to be mature, he walked up to her, on the same spot she always was.
“Hey, you preparing for exams?”
“And some paperwork for the school, yes. Training for Hearst, yeah?”
“Yeah, I’m worried because—,”
“Because college recruiters may come and you want to give it your all. I know.” She could’ve said ‘I know you, Julian’, but didn’t. But the message was clear.
He cleared his throat “And how are the cheerleaders? They kinda gave me the cold shoulder after I…” After I broke your heart.
“They’re good, training their best so they can impress the recruiters.”
He bit his lip “Is Mia still mad at me?”
She sighed “She pretends you don’t exist, so…”
He observed her further. She had eyebags and looked paler and more tired. Like she had buried herself in her work.
“You look tired, I’ll leave you to it.”
“I’m not tired. Not when…” Not when it comes to you “Not when so much is at stake.”
… If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text, but then I never mind that shit
Some nights, Julian was truly torn. He really liked Autumn, and saw something solid, but he’d see Gala’s MyFaceSpace and privately text her…whatever.
You look beautiful in blue.
I remember our dates in that park.
I can practically smell your perfume in that selfie of your bathroom.
But he never sent them. Because it was a mistake, and he’d make things more complicated for everyone. Because she had moved on. And so should he.
I got these feelings, but you never mind that shit
Oh, oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me, but your friends don't know
Gala would rather die than admit it, but she dreamt of Julian often. Sometimes, they’d argue. But sometimes, they had these wonderful dates together. They’d laugh, and it looked so normal and right… Yes, she liked Ace, and they had a great thing going on, but he refused to kiss her. She angrily asked why.
“Because you still think of him, even when I’m right here. I am no fool, Gala.”
“Ace—,”
“Don’t,” he asked softly “you know how much I hate it when people lie outside of the field.”
If you wanted me, you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
… I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
“Yes, Julian! That’s my boy right there!” Autumn cheered as Julian threw her a kiss.
They actually looked like the perfect couple. Known each other for a long time, were friends once and shared a past, and many more things. They looked perfect together. The ethereally beautiful artist girl and the jock prince.
Much better than the ugly nerd.
… I don't mean no harm, I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
“I know you and Autumn have something good, but how did you feel about Gala?” Hope asked. “And don’t lie.”
He sighed, passing a hand over his hair.
“Honestly?” She nodded “Between you and I?” She nodded again “I… it may sound cheesy, but I saw myself marrying her.”
Hope gasped and cheered “Called it!” Then, she composed herself and asked “And with Autumn?”
“…No. No, I don’t.”
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
… Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
Gala and Ace sat in front of each other, fully aware of what came next. Yet, she didn’t have the courage to do it.
“You know why we’re here.”
“Yes,”
Ace nodded “You understand, then. This has been going on enough, don’t you think?”
“Ace, I… really liked you.”
“You liked me, yes. But you loved Julian. You love him still.”
A tear rolled down her cheek “Yes.” It was all she could muster.
Ace took her hand and stroked it gently “I do believe that, had this turned out different, we could’ve been good. But not while your heart belongs to him.”
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
As the third term came, everyone noticed Gala hadn’t appeared yet. Rumors circled, but nothing came. Until, during one class, Professor Maddox announced it “As you know, we secretly reached out the ten brightest students for an internship in Switzerland, and the winner will leave tonight.”
“Who’s the winner, teach?”
Maddox smiled proudly “Our esteemed founder, Gala Moschen.”
His blood ran cold. Gala… she’d leave. Without telling him. Without saying goodbye.
Autumn pointed out how pale he looked and if he was okay. He just stared at where Gala was supposed to be seated, and his knuckles whitened.
Everyone I do right does me wrong
The moment school and training were over, he practically ran to Gala’s house, not caring of how sweaty or desperate he was. Her mother kindly pointed out she was already on her way to the airport, which was on the next big city, a two-hour ride. He didn’t hesitate. He got into his car and begun driving, ignoring the pinging of his phone and driving like a maniac. How he wasn’t pulled over was beyond himself.
Finally, he reached the airport. He ran to where the plane would leave to Bern. He spotted Gala, in a long-sleeved shirt with a short skirt, about to pass security to the terminal. Risking it, he sprinted towards her. Obviously, security intercepted him, and he thrashed against them “Gala! Gala, wait, please don’t leave! I beg you, Gala!” She stopped “Don’t leave me, moonflower.” He pleaded, tears on his eyes.
“Alright, lover boy, wrap it up! You’re making a scene!”
“But sir—,”
“No buts, you’re coming with me.”
He called her three times. She didn’t respond. She didn’t even turn around. She just vanished into the sea of people. For God knows how much time?
So every lonely night, I sing this song
… I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
Autumn was the one to pick him up from the airport’s station. She just stared at him, with betrayal and resentment.
“Autumn, I—,”
“Today we were supposed to visit my mother’s grave.”
Fuck. Of course, they had planned it. Until…
“Autumn, I’m sorry—,”
“Don’t.”
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her
… All alone, I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
Today was the pep rally before the grand match against Hearst. Everyone was dressed up, they were buzzing, and Gala had pulled a beautiful outfit Ace bought her: a Jimmy Choo silver dress with precious gems, a beautiful pearl diadem and heels that resembled Cinderella’s shoes. She had done her makeup, positively glowing. The moment she stepped on the platform, giving a beautiful speech, he was mesmerized, his breath taken away.
You don't care, you never did
You don't give a damn about me
And Autumn noticed. This had been a month before she left. Her hair was longer, going down till her shoulders, and Julian looked at her like she was the only woman in the world, as always. As always… It hadn’t changed, even when they began dating, and it became clear.
That one date at the cinema had been amazing, he was such a gentleman and she was positively infatuated, but it all changed when Gala began dating Ace. He was distant, cold, as if he had something in mind. She finally realized right there it wasn’t something, but someone.
That someone being Gala.
As much chemistry and history and tension they had, she was nobody against Gala and what they had from the moment they met.
Yeah, all alone, I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you've ever seen
Even with the braces, glasses and simple look, she looked beautiful. And not because of her heritage. No, it was how radiant and magnetic she was. That alone made her gorgeous against someone as shy and awkward as Autumn. She had been okay being Gala’s shadow until Julian came.
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me?
They had many beautiful moments together, yes, but this seemed meager now compared to the many years Gala and Julian had. Almost all of high school together, and not even other people could erase what they had. Perhaps Wes was right and nobody would ever undo what they had. Not even someone like Autumn.
… I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
On their way back, it was Autumn who broke the silence.
“This can’t go on, Julian. It’s time you accept it.”
“Accept what?”
She swallowed “That you still love Gala, and always will, and this was never going to last.”
“Autumn, I—,”
“Don’t. I’m done. I’m done being second best, the backup girlfriend. We’re done, Julian.”
“Autumn, you never were—,"
She didn’t let him finish.
And I'll never be her
“Enough. This was never going to work, because I am not Gala. I’ll never be her. It’s over, Julian. Forever.”
She got out of the car, still a few blocks away from her home, and begun walking. He didn’t even try to win her back. He just drove away, and finally, Autumn broke into tears.
That’s when a shadow appeared. She sniffled, looking up.
“Wes? Is that you?”
“How about we go for a walk, hm?”
She didn’t even ask where. She just took his hand.
Meanwhile, Julian found the courage to call Gala. After several beeps, and about to hang up, she picked up, but said nothing “It’s over with Autumn, Gala.” No response “Because we just didn’t work out. Because… it’s you who I wanted all along. I still do.”
She didn’t say anything still. She just gasped softly and hung up.
