#game-face

[inkhound]

a big shouldered/chested ginger vampire. Cocky as fuck he is~!

[maggieandmagnus]

Bring it on D-pad!! (Sorry for the long inactivity, exams and such, you know^^ We're low on questions so ask away XD)

[lostinthekirakira]

[lostinthekirakira]

[masochisticmisandrist]

The Vampire Reviews: "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" (2012 Film)

The man himself. Reclining after a long day of lumberjacking the heads off his enemies.

Oh man, this movie. "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" was directed by Timur Bekmambetov and based on a novel of the same title written by Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the screenplay. The film tells the untold (till now) story of Abraham Lincoln's vengeance-quest turned war-for-humanity against the undead, spanning from his youth into his presidency.

Mythology: 2 stars. The mythos in this movie was (unsurprisingly) not particularly involved, consistent, or well-utilized. To begin with the good, which saves this rating from a 1, vampires cannot kill other vampires--as in there's some kind of force-field that prevents them from making a kill-move--and this actually drives the plot nicely. But they can beat the shit out of each other as long as their... intent(?) is not to kill. Also vampires don't seem to be affected much by sun except that they get extra veiny and gross-looking... so they wear a lot of hats. They make a big deal about the big bad, Adam, being 'the progenitor' but it's never made clear if he's the first vampire EVER or just like, the first vampire in America... or even why that matters. Vampires have a standard array of powers including short-range teleportation and invisibility, but they barely ever use these powers in an effective way. I find this particularly funny. Because if you have short-range teleportation and invisibility... winning fights should become WAY easier. And so they just didn't really do it at important moments when they might have, I don't know, accidentally accomplished one of their goals or successfully killed one of the protagonists. They also (I'm sorry, I could go on and on) show one of the dead vampires in a coffin filled with rose petals... but it's never explained why and previously we've seen Abe bury them unceremoniously. The best worst part of the movie's mythology though is not vampire-related: "Real power comes not from hate, but from truth." In the world of AL:VH, honest conviction in an ideal apparently gives you super-strength. Powers: GRODY-ass game-face, super-strength, invisibility, short-range teleportation, smoke-form Weaknesses: Sunlight (but not really), Silver (but REALLY), and Presidents

Bloodlust: 1 star. The fight scenes are fun, but neither the gore nor the choreography is particularly creative or interesting. It borders on silly more often than it does awesome, and the vampires are generally more of the goopy variety than the truly bloody.

Humanity: 2 stars. The core human struggle seems to use the vampire metaphor as the idea of enslavement to a vicious or exploitative institution (re: slavery), as opposed to conviction in a righteous ideal (re: Abraham Lincoln). So to the film-makers' credit, I got what they were going for. Because they might as well have laid it into my brain with a wood axe. It's said plainly enough, but the story doesn't really make it work and it's clearly an afterthought.

Overall: 2 stars. A thoroughly terrible movie. Nerds will experience a fierce joy in seeing Mary Elizabeth Winstead ("Scott Pilgrim") in a major role and Alan Tudyk ("Firefly") for a hot second, and there's something inherently satisfying about seeing one of America's most legendary political figures kicking some vampire ass, but at the end of the day the movie falls short of its titular promise. For all his improbable adventures, our Mr. Lincoln does very little actual hunting. In the killing-random-baddies part of the movie, he gets all his targets basically handed to him on a silver platter. If I was going to try and make this a quality film (and it's not clear that ANYONE involved was really going for that) I'd focus a little less on the auxiliaries and more on Lincoln actually taking on a more classic Van Helsing-esque role.

Because sometimes things are enjoyable for their flaws, I'm adding an optional category to my rubric. If you enjoy watching bad movies "for the lulz" then this rating is for you: Lulz: 4 stars. The silly violence makes for pretty good entertainment value, the poor writing and rhythm are laughable, and every time Lincoln spins his iconic weapon in a display of "Axe-Fu" it's worth a giggle. I've seen funnier bad movies, but not many. I don't want to spoil any of the laugh-out-loud WTF moments, but let me just say this: Tapestry vampires. What the actual fuck. If anyone can explain this to me, please do so. Because right now all my friends and I have been able to come up with is that it's some sort of weird Southern Aristocracy vampire hazing ritual.

At the end of the day, I am inordinately proud to be a citizen of a country where movies are made that exalt historical figures to occultist heroes fighting supernatural foes.