Mindful Mantras: Reflecting on Shame and Self-Improvement
“I want to be better than I was, better than I am.”
I say these words to myself from time to time, generally after I am reminded of something I’m ashamed of, or when I feel myself slipping into bad habits. It’s a mantra, almost a compulsion, that I hold with me. It started out as something shorter, though:
These words, which some might recognize as lyrics from a certain Bleachers song, sum up a lot of how I used to think of myself and my struggles, especially when I was struggling. It bears a connotation of recovery, as if my dysfunction were an illness I was trying to correct, and this isn’t exactly the case. I don’t want to get better, I want to be better. I want to do better. And I can.
Another oft-used phrase: “I don’t know what I’m doing—I’m trying, but I’m failing.” This one crops up whenever I make even the smallest mistake. Maybe I didn’t lock my house door when I left for work. Maybe I stayed in bed too long. It doesn’t always stand up to scrutiny—am I trying? Is missing the mark the same as failing?—but it doesn’t have to. It’s a reaction to a feeling more than anything, and when the feeling takes hold, the voice that emerges takes on a life of its own.
This negative voice doesn’t always come to the surface, and lately, it hasn’t been dominant. But the positive voice that started me out on this project hasn’t always been in play, either.
“Life will pass through, keep being you.” That was the motto I gave the Mindful Mentor for my first Adventure, and really, though it is addressed to you, the audience, it is something I want to remind myself of, each time I make a misstep, each time I come up short. Life has been passing through, and when it comes to being me, maintaining my habits and continuing to work toward my goals, I haven’t exactly stopped, but I don’t think I’ve been my best.
I think something that mindfulness is teaching me is being accepting of who I am, in each individual moment. I’m allowed to want more for myself, to want more out of myself, but I can also accept what I’m able to give on a given day. Some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. I still do it, but maybe I don’t give myself enough time after getting up to get to work early, meditate and prepare for the day’s challenges. Maybe I have only enough to get to work and get settled before the first (proverbial) bell. And on those days, maybe that is my best.
It doesn’t stop me from being discontented, from being unsatisfied with myself and my actions. Being mindful doesn’t mean giving mediocrity a pass. To me, being mindful means taking stock of my thoughts and feelings, and deciding for myself which of those thoughts and feelings, if any, has the power to shape how my day goes. I’m not rejecting negativity, I’m giving all things their due consideration. And if I’ve truly done my job, then I should come out ahead more often than not.
Adventure 2 began last week, and my students set new goals for the quarter. I had each of them create documents meant to track their regular engagement with these goals, and we’ll generally be checking them at the beginning and the end of each week. I want to write about what I settled on when it comes to Discipline and Openness, because there are still some things I want to finish hashing out, but for now I just want to set an intention for my week.
This week, I want to be better than I was last week, with regards to my habits. I didn’t do any nightly reading and I completely dropped the ball on meditation. Not only that, but I didn’t write any blog posts. I did do a decent job with teaching and planning last week, but it was a shorter span of days to work with, and in any case, I can’t rest on my laurels.
It might be slow at first, but I don’t want to be all or nothing with my habits. I want to do things every day, but I know sometimes I will miss the mark. I need to be okay with missing and trying harder the next day. Today counts, and tomorrow will count too.
Until next time – Life will pass through, keep being you.