Kim Field
It was very interesting day today on Capitol Hill, to say the least.
The White Supremacist Party had planned a very big day for itself in both houses of Congress. WSP House members would once again beat back a motion from House Democrats to declare the war with Iran in violation of the War Powers Act, and the WSP-controlled Senate would finally approve funding for ICE. After those twin legislative triumphs, the WSP House and Senate would head back to their home districts for a month’s vacation from their grueling labors.
But it all blew up in their faces.
House Speaker and chief WSP scorpion herder Mike Johnson lost control of his caucus before the vote on the Iran War even reached the floor. Some of his panicky posse, terrified by the American public’s anger over the war and its obscene $40 billion cost (to date) were actively mutinying. Others had stayed home rather than cast a vote for the war. Johnson realized that if the vote against the war were held, it would pass, and so, to spare his Führer a truckload of embarrassment, Johnson cancelled the vote at the last minute.
Senate Majority Leader John Thune has been working feverishly for weeks to circumvent the filibuster and finally pass a funding bill that would finance his Führer’s deportation war on immigrants. The Führer had demanded that the funding bill be passed before the upcoming recess. Early this week, Thune felt that he finally had enough votes to pass it, and, with much hoopla, he scheduled a vote on the funding bill for today.
But then the Führer, as is his wont, complicated the legislative plans of Johnson and Thune by awarding himself four shiny, new, golden trophies.
The first—are you sitting down?—was the latest batch of plans for the Führer’s ballroom, the size of which is currently planned to be an area roughly equivalent to Alaska plus mainland China. On May 5, a giddy Führer ordered WSP senators to announce, as quietly as possible, that his ballroom was not going to be paid for by voluntary bribes from those who want favors from him after all. No, after the most recent attempt on his life, many, many people were now saying that a billion dollars in taxpayer was required to make the ballroom secure and to allow for the construction of a hospital under the ballroom. (Just what kind of events will the Führer be holding there, anyway?)
This new wrinkle meant that Thune had to find away to crowbar a billion dollars into his funding bill, a move that the Senate parliamentarian had to approve in order for Thune to dodge the filibuster. She rejected it. Thune gave the Führer the news earlier this week. The Führer demanded the head of the parliamentarian. Thune refused to fire her. (What if Trump has tapes of all his Oval Office meetings, like Nixon had? The mind reels.) You can count on her being fired before the year is out.
The second trophy was the newly-severed head of Louisiana WSP Senator Bill Cassidy, which the Führer had mounted on to a pike and displayed in front of the Senate Office Building on Saturday after the results of the Louisiana WSP primary came in. Cassidy had once voted to remove the Führer from office, and even volunteering to be publicly fucked by RFK Jr. on national television was not enough to save Cassidy from becoming political roadkill.
The third trophy was the release on Monday of acting Attorney General Todd please-sir-I’ll-do-anything-to-get-this-job-for-real-and-I-mean-anything Blanche’s brief memo announcing that the Führer had settled his lawsuit against himself by ensuring that no one with his last name would ever hear from the IRS and by establishing a vast swine trough filled with $1.7 billion of taxpayer money from which his January 6th volunteer stormtroopers could feed. (They need to get bulked up for the tough work of terrorizing polling places during the November midterms. I wonder how much the reward for that gig will be?)
This created another huge funding-bill headache for Thune. Congress would have to approve the $1.7 billion slush-fund-to-end-all-slush-funds. Thune would have to find a way to add this to his funding bill, too.
The fourth trophy was the Führer’s Truth Social post on Tuesday endorsing Ken Paxton in the upcoming WSP primary in Texas. After running around for months in ever-tightening circles of constipation, the Fuehrer finally shat out a foul-smelling endorsement of that ultra-far-far-far-right swamp creature over incumbent Senator John Cornyn. Even when measured from inside the context of the nonexistent ethical standards of Texas politics, the slithery career of the utterly corrupt Paxton has given him the moral standing of a hydrophobic hyena, and the Führer’s decision to cut off the head of one of their own horrified the White Supremacist Party senators. (This was big news in itself, given the cubic miles of ethical horseshit that the Führer has forced them to smilingly swallow over the past ten years.) Morale among the WSP senators plummeted to a low not seen since the January 6 riots, when they had to flee for their lives from their Führer’s voluntary stormtroopers.
Yesterday, after the Senate parliamentarian refused to play ball, John Thune and his fellow WSP senators decided that they had to cut their Führer’s request for a cool billion for his dancing palace.
This morning Thune arrived on the Hill ready to hold the planned vote on his funding bill, only to find his caucus, which will continue to include Cassidy and Cornyn until next year, calling bullshit on the $1.7 billion reward to the goons who had been ready to kill them during the January 6th assault on Congress. Thune had Blanche momentarily drop his tireless efforts to frame the Führer’s political enemies and rush to the Capitol, where he talked himself blue in the face for two hours trying to convince the WSP senators to bless this fountain of corruption.
He was unsuccessful. Thune announced that today’s vote on the funding bill would be postponed until June, after the recess. Within hours, there wasn’t a WSP senator or House member anywhere within a hundred miles of Washington, D.C.
Obviously, Johnson and Thune are hoping that they and the Führer can use the recess to threaten their WSP caucuses into submission, and, given the Führer’s track record against those who dare to cross him, they may succeed. But if those WSP House and Senate members spend any time talking to their constituents back home over the next three weeks, the every-White-supremacist-for-him-or-herself, Lord-of-the-Flies shitshow that some expected after a WPS debacle in the midterms may actually begin this summer, well ahead of schedule.
