The other day my friend and I went to McDonald's and as we were leaving we were seeing this two guys being harassed by a group of teens and we were confused but we figured that it was just some shit from earlier, but me being my curious ass, we kinda watched as people were helping them get them into the mcdonalds. As we're about to leave, one of them comes up and tries to start shit with us, and telling us to keep walking and me being my problematic self was like no and took my sweet time. As we were crossing the street, one of them came running and "punched" me in the side of the face, (and I put air quotes around punch cause I swear none of these dumbasses knows how to fight) and I start yelling at him, and my friend is over here trying to defend me. The only reason why I didn't fight them is cause there were 4 of them and 2 of us, and I'm not comfortable in fighting to be outmatched like that. Plus I'm more of a verbal fighter than physical. But fast forward, as we're talking about it my friend points out certain things about the interaction. He told me that they came after me cause I was gay and he explained how one of the guys they were harassing before looked gay, which I agree, (and by looked I mean appear feminine and therefore deemed gay by bigots), and that when the group was about to attack my friend, one of the guys said "he's not like that". At first I thought he was talking about me not being the fighting type but later realized that "like that" meant gay. I completely shut down. I've heard of gay bashing and have been bullied in the past before it but never have I been physically assaulted for not even my sexuality but looking "gay". I already feel shame and guilt and overall horrible for being gay and that just made me want to sprint right back to the closet. I'm also ashamed that I didn't do anything. Like I pride myself of being able to do that for anyone else, like I don't care if I get hurt, if someone lays a hand on someone I care about, it's going down, but for myself, I couldn't. I felt paralyzed. For a second it made me want to join some kind of fighting, but at the same time, I felt like I deserved it cause I'm an abomination in general. It was horrifying and my powerlessness is what saddens me the most, cause I don't expect nothing from this world. But yeah, that's my story. I never thought and always hoped I would have one. And while yes I know that worse things happen, I live in NYC where this stuff is at least somewhat embraced and for someone who has only received verbal attacks, this was a lot.
