#gaysadness

[carothehuman]

cute girl texting: Hi💗

me: heart,,, that must mean.., gAy??? girl,,,friemd???

ten seconds later: remembers that a lot of people use pink hearts for almost every occasion, just I don‘t

*cries in gay*

[carothehuman]

I,,,, frickin

love

them

girls

[gaycationmx]

“Manual para dormir sin ti”

Haz como que no duele.

Abraza la almohada como si aún oliera a él.

No revises su Instagram (otra vez).

Cierra los ojos y repite: no eras suficiente para alguien que no sabía amar.

[gaycationmx]

“No te has ido, pero ya no estás”

Me escribes. Me respondes. Me hablas como si nada.

Pero no eres tú.

El tú que me miraba como si el mundo se acabara esta noche… ya no está.

Y lo que más duele es que aún así, te sigo esperando en cada notificación.

[lon-eee-lee]

I feel like pearl when she couldn’t get with rose quartz

[screamingtothefuture]

6/11/17 Aaron

And now, the reason I created this blog. I hope one day he will simply be what inspired me to write, as opposed to the only thing I can think to write about.

I’m not sure if I ever want Aaron to see this... part of it is because a blog about unrequited love is only sweet in theory - it’s actually a tad creepy. Here’s my problem --- we had an online relationship that we planned on making “real” once he was a little older and my divorce was finalized. There were still plenty of obstacles and boundaries we needed to work out, however the communication and the love were there. That was clear. Communication, respect, love. The three things I never expected to actually find - they were there in this beautiful, beautiful young man.

Online relationships suck, but we made it work. We spoke for at least 2-3 hours every day for weeks. I would wake up to a message and he would go to sleep to one every night. The feelings developed quickly... until Aaron slipped and told me how he felt. He begged me not to say anything in return... fearing I would say “I love you too” without actually meaning it. 

I don’t say things I don’t mean. 

I did love him.... but I waited to tell him. I wanted him (and I) to absolutely know... that I had to say it before my heart would burst. I still love him.

He found someone else. He found something he could touch (was the way he put it). He told me he loved me no matter what, and if he could fly cross country to touch me, he would. I believe love makes anything possible, but I also know that this young man deserves to live life to the fullest, and if we were meant to be, we would find a way to be. I have my marriage, he has school. Between the two it would be unfair to expect him to wait for me... or me to wait for him.

We would play games together - lots and lots of Xbox and working on projects on Ark. It sounds simplistic, but when he had an idea... I got all giddy. I loved the way his mind would work. I loved to simply hear him speak. I loved the little things... that’s how I know when I’m happy.

The last conversation we had was full of tears. He wanted to see where a possible relationship with a man in his town would go... and he wanted nothing to change between the two of us. I knew that the “I Love You”s would diminish... and the pressure would build. I knew (and still know) that he needed a fair shot with this man. If they make each other happy, than I genuinely want that for the two of them.

He reminded me how much he loved me. He asked for us to stay in contact... I said no. I couldn’t be that person for him; I couldn’t watch a relationship blossom within someone I was so attached to. It would have been unfair to both of us. I relayed to him that I even told my husband about him... and my husband felt bad for me, for losing something (someone) I clearly needed. Aaron’s response? “Good! It’s about time he did something/felt something for you”. That’s love. I knew it, and it only made saying goodbye that much more difficult. I said Goodbye Love. He said Bye Bye.

Now why am I writing this? Because I typed out so many messages in the one service that I did not block him on - Kik, because I knew I wouldn’t accidentally run into any pictures of him and his new beau. I typed out my feelings... how much I knew I would miss him, how hard that night had been without his “goodnight”... how strange it felt. I typed all of this out early in the morning on Monday the 12th. I planned on adding to it every day (hoping I would never accidentally click “Send”).

I went to go write more on the thirteenth and the message box was clear. That’s why this blog is here. I want... no need, to put my feelings down somewhere. That was who Aaron was for me. My best friend, my confidant, and someone I respected greatly. I’m hoping that writing “outloud” will allow myself to rebuild some of those own qualities within myself. 

Current music: Wish That You Were Here - Florence + The Machine