Screaming To The Future

This blog was inspired by a friend, a love, that I recently lost. This blog is an attempt to continue the cathartic communication that I had with this individual on a daily basis. I'm a 30'ish gay male living on the East Coast. I am in an extremely tumultuous marriage (to a man), and have found myself with a fraction of the support system that I really need, even though I work in the mental health community. I do have a therapist, so if you feel that my writings are a cry for help - they aren't, but thank you. In creating this blog, I hope to inspire myself to keep up with not only how I am feeling, but to acknowledge the road that I have traveled. I am not expecting all roses and rainbows - but I am hoping that I will eventually begin to at least see them again. Thank you for reading; please feel free to contact me with positive feedback. My writings on this blog will all be personal and truthful.

[screamingtothefuture]

He Returns

You asked for forgiveness - and how can I deny you that? You told me it was because you are foolish and young. I'm the foolish one for believing it could work. That doesn't mean I don't want it to work, and it also doesn't mean that I don't love you. All I know is I'm driving down 95 crying because I finally checked to see if you messaged me... and yo had, and now I feel like I've lost all power. Fuck me.

[sweephimoffhisfeet]

Follow me!

[weed-and-poetry]

[screamingtothefuture]

Weekend (6/24ish/17)

I hurt myself on Thursday, so I've had one long weekend. I fell from the side of a dump truck while dumping a load of manure off of a platform... the wheelbarrow came down on top of me. Turns out a board wasn't put in correctly and the whole "bridge" came tumbling down. Considering it was bum fuck early in the morning and I was working with a client at a barn (volunteering together), it was an interesting weekend. Zach went off his meds and almost 5 days of being around him nonstop wasn't as bad as it could have been, but was far from enjoyable. We redid our den into my office, and he created loads of stuff for my business. Sometimes I worry about what I'm going to lose when we're no longer together. Than there's Kyle. I have found myself in a similar situation to the one I had/am in with you. Kyle fell for me, hard, and to be honest I have strong feelings for him as well. Problem is? He isn't you. He's sexy and I could listen to him talk for hours... but our conversations don't make me think like mine and yours did. He seems naive in comparison to you, even though he's older. He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I am so lucky to have his attention... but I can't help but wonder if what happened between you and I is going to repeat itself (Zach was quick to point out that I haven't even set up the Xbox since the last time you and I played) and I wouldn't want to play on Steam since that is what Kyle and I do together. I wonder how you're doing... I haven't been on Kik in over a week and everytime it tells me I have a message I silently wonder if it's one from you. At this point I don't even know what I would do if you became single again... or if you and Alex even formed an actual relationship. If you were single I still don't know what I would say. It's sad - I told Kyle that this journal existed, but that it was the one super private thing I had, where I wrote down how I'm feeling. He sultrily asked if he was a part of it, and hoped he was. It's sad that he is, but probably not in the way that he had hoped. I love you.

[quotewithasource]

Life is about accepting the challenges along the way, choosing to keep moving forward, and savoring the journey.

The Light in the Heart (via quotewithasource)

[screamingtothefuture]

6/23/17

I really want to text you.... I want to hear your voice and listen to your thoughts. They were always so important to me. I know talking to you would be a bad idea. First there would be the awkwardness of us having not spoken. Second, the fact that we fell for each other so quickly, and just as quickly it was supposedly "over". And third... how do you end such a conversation if it was to go well? "I still love you bye".

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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[screamingtothefuture]

6/22/17

I hope you're ok. I had some strange strange dreams last night that led be to believe that either things just got very serious for you, or something not so great happened. I really do hope you're ok.

[lovelustquotes]

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

Bill Burr (via lovelustquotes)

[emotionalwords]

[screamingtothefuture]

6/19-20/17

I'm working like a madman these days... and I'm hoping that I'm not getting sick. I miss you like crazy, because even though I'm talking to a few people when I would normally be talking to you throughout the day, they simply don't automatically get me the way you would. Zach stopped taking his medicine and has been on another downward spiral. It became really bad the past couple of days; in fact he may lose his job. I've been trying not to let him get to me but today, while creating my company's new logo (which cost a pretty penny, so I had to save up for it) I was laughing with a friend over Snapchat about their Christmas decorations still being up. Zach has a thing for nativity scenes (which I mention to my friend) and I buy him at least one or two each year... except for this last year. So, he reminds me of this fact and turns to me and says "maybe your next husband will be Muslim so you won't need to buy him them." It cut like a knife. The next husband bit is nothing new, but the moment he said it I was so excited about my logo and picking colors/designs that my "Zach wall" was down and it hurt. I want him out of my life, and just as we got to a more "friends" place he starts taking jabs at me, and also trying to bed me simultaneously. I'm becoming so worn down, but I need to work as much as I can. There is a wonderful guy that I've been talking to for some time now... and he wants things to get serious. He is in a very similar situation to you, and in most ways is all I could ever ask for. He simply isn't you. No one is you... but you. I hope Alex is treating you well, and I hope everything is working out for you. I hope the kitchen hasn't been too crazy without Dawson. Damn I miss you.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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[dailyinspirationquotes]

My blog posts relatable quote pictures! Follow for more.

[screamingtothefuture]

6/19/17

Just over a week had gone by since we stopped speaking. To be honest, you are still one of the first things I think about when I wake up, and still one of the last things I think about before I go to sleep. I feel a little lost because I know that if you are starting to slip from my mind, than I I am definitely beginning to slip from yours. Whether your new relationship works out or not, how long until I was just a friend that never went someplace? I guess one of the best things that I can hope for right now is that I will be considered the right guy at the wrong time. I don't like watching things die… So keeping this journal is tough, but ultimately I need it. I know you understood me. I know you believed in me. I know that I have never had more respect for someone's mind than I have for yours. However it was that mind that decided to derail us - so what does that say about the other people I have so far experienced in life? I miss you.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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[screamingtothefuture]

6/18/17

I haven't forgotten about you. I don't I ever will. I told a friend about the "one that got away" today - a guy named Mike from when I was high school. I wonder if that story will change to me referring to you in a few years. Only time will tell. Be safe, be whole. Love.

[screamingtothefuture]

6/17/17

Ups and downs. I've matched over 60 people on Tinder.... I don't want them though. I wanted to see where things would go with you. A week ago tonight is when the rug was pulled out from underneath me. Unfortunately now I understand that there is no way that it will ever be able to fully replaced. Maybe we'll find a way, but I hope this makes us stronger. I miss you.