#gender diary

[dreamertrilogys]

guy who literally has a normal amount of shame

[genderfuckpirate]

just did my first dose of testosterone :^)

[whisperingruckus]

GENDERS, May 2022

Night Walk, Franz Wright | Ladies Looking at the Sunset, Marcel Rieder | Fire, Stephanie Peters | Leaves, Lloyd Schwartz | Dropping a Han Dynasty Urn, Ai Weiwei | Marigolds, Kishi Bashi | Experiental Spaces, Thomas Friedrich Schafer

[thousandsofroses]

genderfluid diary day 11:

content warning, gender dysphoria

i was getting dressed and just experienced the most dysphoria i have ever experienced like it actually winded me and made me dizzy. i’ve never felt that way before… physically affected by it.

basically i put on leggings, which was fine yesterday when i wore them to the gym cause i felt feminine and cute, but i suddenly (literally suddenly) hated how curvy my hips are. sent me spiraling. i immediately changed out of them and put on my typical outfit for an androgynous day and felt so much better but still really not feeling like myself

i cant even lose any weight to flatten my curves because it’s just where my hip bones are. i feel like crying right now i hate my body so much today 😭 i hate that i love myself one day and hate myself the next, it’s ruining me. just when i start to think i’m handling genderfluidity quite well.

i’m so hurt i don’t know what to do, and i don’t even have anyone to talk to about it except random people on tumblr (i still love you tho, but you know what i mean)

[genderfuckpirate]

hey, i don't know if you're like are open to questions and all that here, no worries or anything if not, but i was wondering about, in your experience, if being genderqueer/nonbinary made it harder to get testosterone? i've been thinking a ton about t but something im kind of concerned about the doctors/conservative medical system in my area and maybe if just letting them assume im a binary trans man would be easier? yeah if you have any like insight on that or anything that'd be really really great

(hi!! firstly sorry for never responding to this >_> I mostly use tumblr on my phone and i swear it doesn't actually notify you when someone sends an ask... i hope this finds you!)

OK, the short answer: I basically had no issues with getting on Testosterone as a genderqueer person ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The long answer: where I live has informed consent and I purposely chose a trans friendly medical clinic and doctor that's known to approve HRT. I had been seeing the doctor for quite a while, so they already knew that: I had socially transitioned, that I was seeing a psychologist, and that I don't have any health conditions that would clash with T. I basically asked about it during a check up and left with a form to get bloodwork done and an info pack. I got the bloodwork done and by the next appointment I was given a script.

My advice: Obviously the process is going to be super different for different places, but I did a fuck ton of research before I even asked about HRT and I think it helped. Here's what I would recommend:

Get recommendations for specific doctors / clinics from local trans people. Whether it's people you know or just from asking on your local subreddit - you should be hearing first hand experiences about these places. Places might advertise themselves as "queer friendly" but might not actually be trans friendly. Similarly, your state / country might have informed consent but that doesn't mean that every doctor is going to have experience with approving HRT. Also, if you're in an area where it's going to be best to just pretend your a binary trans man, here's where you're going to hear it.

Have some sort of clear goal for why you're going on HRT. I think this one's really important for genderqueer folks because your goal might not be to simply 'pass' as a different gender. I didn't fully know what I wanted out of T but I showed up to the appointment saying that I was specifically seeking a deeper voice and more body hair, which helped the doctor to understand my overall gender goals and see that T was right for me.

Do you research and show that you've done your research. Being informed is a huge part of informed consent. I asked my doctor about low dose Testosterone immediately and I brought a list of specific questions and concerns (things like "I know Testosterone can raise blood pressure and I already take X, would that be problem?" and "I see that it can affect Y and I have a family history of Z, how would impact me?"). I think this really helped to reassure my doctor that I knew what I was getting myself into.

I am super, super lucky that I live in a country that has informed consent, affordable doctors, free bloodwork and government subsided medication so obviously experience is NOT universal in any way but I hope that this still helps! :) Good luck with your journey anon!

[dreamertrilogys]

my data management teacher literally looked at me and very obviously didn’t recognize me so i was just like “hi” and he was like “hi? are you uh auditing this class..?” and then i just like stared at him until he got it and then he was like “oh” [laughs awkwardly] and then handed me back my quiz LMFAO

[dreamertrilogys]

i just. i just did something so irreversible. oh my fucking god. i haven’t even STARTED to worry about how my parents’ll react bc i have to focus on not looking like the ugliest motherfucker on planet earth rn

[dreamertrilogys]

winning at transgenderism. was accidentally they/them-ed by my mother yesterday AND i don’t remember the exact context but the point is the other day my dad was like “you’re not anybody’s father” and then corrected himself like “sorry, mother”