#genderfluid diary

[thousandsofroses]

I just want to say it here because i have nowhere else to say it:

i have had she/they pronouns on my social media bios for like 2 years now at least because i’m afab and not brave enough to say they/she or she/they/he etc etc.

anywayyyys no one ever even uses “they” (classic ppl ignoring the they)

BUT recently THREE ppl have used it in person unexpectedly when referring to me and i cannot explain how seen and held i felt.

and one time i even said “oh she is ok” or “you don’t have to use they if you dont want” and they still did it anyway!!! 😭

the feeling i got just confirmed that i’m not “faking it” i’m actually so genderfluid and finally have been having these precious moments where i feel seen and loved for it for the first time ever and it makes me so emotional

i just need to keep reminding myself i’m valid. even on my girl days when i feel entirely cis and like i’m “faking it”

idk bro it’s so hard to love myself when i can’t even label what gender i am feeling sometimes. it makes me feel like i don’t know who i am, and i can start to feel very isolated from myself. but i just remembered these three moments that have happened and i it’s all i can think about right now i love those people for it❤️

anyway pronouns are important! i pretended publicly like they weren’t important to me but they are and they help me feel like me

[thousandsofroses]

walking into women’s locker rooms/dressing rooms/bathrooms as an afab genderfluid person is wild because

my appearance belongs in there but my brain is like… are we… are we an outsider to this experience right now? i think we are, this is weird, act normally tho

[thousandsofroses]

do any other gender fluid people have trouble creating a wardrobe for yourselves? or creating a personal style?

because when i’m a woman i have half the choices of things to wear because so many things in there are my dude clothes.

and then when i’m feeling extremely not woman but some other gender, i look at my feminine clothes and don’t understand how i could ever wear those things because at that moment it is entirely not an option.

my wardrobe also just looks so jumbled and weird and i desperately want to have a unique style and transition effortlessly between genders but it feels like every single time i shift i have to relearn how to dress.

anyone? just me?

[thousandsofroses]

feeling no gender rn love that for me, a good cleanse from my usual gender intensity chaos, gn yall

[thousandsofroses]

ugh whip lash lately with my gender.

i’m a woman i love being a woman how could i have ever hated my boobs, glorious! i’m a bog creature, no gender, feeling ugly and uncomfortable in my body but certain i am not a woman or a man, embracing my creatureness. i’m man adjacent and in a very androgynous, ambiguous way. i’m some secret fourth gender, just a hyper specific memory or feeling. i’m a woman i love my curves. i hate my curves and i’m not fully a woman. WHAT THE FUCK. i’m EXHAUSTED!!

[thousandsofroses]

genderfluid diary day 9:

woke up as a woman, then shifted to androgynous gender/masc gender for the majority of the day but had no dysphoria! i can’t even believe it. feelin like the sexy genderfluid love interest. feelin comfy in my queerness tonight.

[thousandsofroses]

i can be your good girl and your bad boy and your androgynous dream. regardless of what your gender is.

i’m like neopolitan ice cream, bitch.

[thousandsofroses]

genderfluid diary day 11:

content warning, gender dysphoria

i was getting dressed and just experienced the most dysphoria i have ever experienced like it actually winded me and made me dizzy. i’ve never felt that way before… physically affected by it.

basically i put on leggings, which was fine yesterday when i wore them to the gym cause i felt feminine and cute, but i suddenly (literally suddenly) hated how curvy my hips are. sent me spiraling. i immediately changed out of them and put on my typical outfit for an androgynous day and felt so much better but still really not feeling like myself

i cant even lose any weight to flatten my curves because it’s just where my hip bones are. i feel like crying right now i hate my body so much today 😭 i hate that i love myself one day and hate myself the next, it’s ruining me. just when i start to think i’m handling genderfluidity quite well.

i’m so hurt i don’t know what to do, and i don’t even have anyone to talk to about it except random people on tumblr (i still love you tho, but you know what i mean)