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After months of working out and taking the special supplements my girlfriend gave me, I finally felt comfortable sharing my pics on Insta. I mean, I figured out she was making me feminine when my breasts started to grow but, seeing the results, who can blame her?
Reupload from my other blog
(I like how the app gave me really long hair in this one)
Journal entry #6
The time has arrived for me to write down something I've been thinking of for a few months: my coming out plan. Let's start.
Why do I want to come out of the closet?
Since I accepted that I may be transgender, I've realised that I have unexplored feelings, that a relevant part of me is yet to be discovered. Just thinking of not being able to be who I am, or even understanding who I am, makes me feel anxious. Sometimes I feel miserable for this.
However, I'm in a privileged position where I can think that the people around me won't abandon me or hate me for it. After some research, I've discovered that I could even have access to HRT and some surgeries covered by public health care. I can't imagine how it is for people who don't even have this options, but I've read too many accounts to understand that is horrible.
So, as even when I'm not feeling neither euphoric nor dysphoric I want to explore my true gender identity and I see relatively little risk in doing so, I have decided to come out to my closest family.
Who do I want to come out to?
These are the people who I want to tell about my gender identity. This is not a list ordered by who I love the most but who I think will take it better.
Brother: he's my non-identical twin. His best friend from high school came out as gay some years ago and he is generally accepting of LGBTQ people. I can expect some level of disbelief for not having realised how I felt after all this years. He's essentially the first friend I ever had and I want to tell him the first.
Brother's girlfriend: if my brother knows it, she knows it, and I'm OK with this. For all the time I've known her, I know she will be cool with it, not making annoying questions or telling anyone.
Mom: I honestly don't know what her first reaction will be. I can expect crying, hugs, and not knowing what to say. I know that she will spend the following days doing some internet research and is smart enough to ignore right wing propaganda disguised of science. Nothing can make her stop loving me.
Dad: this is the one I whose reaction I fear the most. He once said he wouldn't know what to do if he had a gay child (but he didn't say anything about being trans). He's got progressive values and conservative attitudes; which sounds hypocritical but I think he just supports ideas he thinks are better than the ones he grew up with. He might be the one with the most questions and the one who's the most used to being casually bigoted, but I think that, once he accepts what I need to tell him, he will be the fiercest ally.
What should I tell them?
I'll tell them how I've been feeling about my gender identity and that I want to experiment with my gender expression. I'll use other terms, of course, as they may not be that familiar with the language queer people use to define themselves.
I also know that trans people don't owe an explanation to anyone but I do want my family to understand me. As I've said, I don't expect outright rejection, maybe some uneducated ignorance, so I think it's worth to open up to them about this side of me I've been denying and hiding.
Where do I want to come out to them?
Somewhere private. Either at home, where I live with my parents, or at the apartment my brother and his girlfriend share. I don't think it would be a good idea to come out over dinner in a restaurant or any other public place. The idea of coming out of the closet is already awkward enough to add an audience.
When do I want to come out?
In general, I want to avoid the proximity of family gatherings. I've got a bunch of them in July, so I'm thinking about August. I also think it would be a good idea to come out to my brother first and then to my parents. There's a few holidays and weekends around that time that may be an excuse to have people at home and, on the other side, a tightening of COVID-19 restrictions may make it hard to meet with my brother.
But I can't keep postponing this. By the seventh of August, I will have told my brother about having lunch at his place, without other friends or family members and I'll tell him at dessert. I would like for him to be with me when I tell my parents but, if we couldn't be able to meet in that month, I would tell my parents first. This is a promise I'm making to myself.
What will I do afterwards?
Once my parents know it, I'll go on an online shopping spree. I'll dress as a woman and ask them to refer to me as such. If I like it, I'll try going outside on girlmode, preferably to places where they won't recognise me, a bookstore, maybe, but not in my small hometown. I'm not planning to come out to everyone yet.
I also want to meet other trans people. So far, I've mostly expressed my queerness in English on the internet, but I want to know how it is for other Catalan trans folks. I want to know if they ever feel like I do and how were their transitions, if they transitioned.
Finally, I will consider transitioning myself. Right know I'm interested in hormonal treatment and the only surgery I consider is breast implants, but I think I should let the hormones act first and see if I like my body. And I may consult a psychologist. I know I don't need to be diagnosed with anything to be transgender, but I think I'll need some help getting to know myself. After all, it took me twenty eight years to understand that I wasn't cisgender.
✌️
(also, enjoy this picrew I made thanks to a certain komoworm; i don't remember where I found the link to this person maker but here you go https://picrew.me/image_maker/710866 )
I have to admit that, when the transformation happened, I was deeply in denial. Even though my body and mind finally agreed that I was female, I had never accepted that I wasn't a man. I was seriously scared of how women were treated and I didn't want to be patronized and objectified.
I would catch my male coworkers trying to look at my cleavage or my ass at any time. Was I ever so creepy as a guy?
I talked to my boss about this. She said that I shouldn't be intimidated by them. She said us, meaning women, had to help each other, that she would take care of them. I tried to tell her that I wasn't really a woman but she said there was no point in denying it.
She explained that the experimental formula from R&D that had affected me was actually meant to give people their desired form. She said that I should worry about accepting my own desires while she worried about office bullies. I didn't realize I had started smiling.
I started dressing in underwear that highlighted my femenine features around the house. I was worried about my roommate at first, but I ended up not minding her. She also stared at my breasts, but I actually liked when she did it.
She told me not be scared of showing of my body if that's what I wanted. She saw me nervous and decided that I needed a spa day to feel more comfortable in my body.
After getting massaged and relaxed, we ended up together, alone, in a bathtub. I'm not going to tell you what happened because I'm a gentlem-, i mean, a lady, but we've been girlfriends since then.
My coworkers, on the other hand, weren't so lucky. I expected HR to enroll them on some sort of non-sexist behavior course, but my boss had something else in mind. She transferred the most problematic ones to R&D and nobody knows where they are now.
Oddly enough, our new commercial representatives for the food branch appeared soon after that.
Now I'm happy because I know that I can embrace my feminity and stop feeling intimidated. I thank for this to the other women in my life.
So, a piece of advice: never anger an ancient deity of femininity. I mean, getting transformed into a woman wasn't so bad but now I have to be her servant and she's so bossy; clean the temple, help the followers, sacrifice the animals... It's exhausting!
The witch said the curse would not only make my body female but also change any clothes I put on. The female body part is actually kind of nice but the clothes not so much. For example, I expected this coat to change, but into a weird jacket-swimsuit hybrid?
Never insult a witch.
Okay, so I was trying to flirt with this girl who was playing in the arcade and complimented her butt but she didn't like it and got mad at me. It turns out she was a witch and transformed me into a woman.
To become a man again I need to get that man-shaped plushie but I ran out of coins and... Yes I know she did give me a nice butt; now, please, get me that plushie.
Reupload from my other blog
Journal entry #5
I had a dream yesterday. I almost never remember what I dream and, from this one, I only remember an image: I was sitting at a table in a garden. There was a wall covered by ivy behind me and a mug on the table. I was reading a book I can't remember but I remember what I was wearing. I wore a summer dress decorated with a miriad of tiny little flowers with their branches and leaves. The dress left my shoulders uncovered and it looked great, because one of my fears on going on girlmode is that showing some skin may reveal the masculinity of my body. My hair was tied with one of those tails that kind of goes upwards behind my head. I wasn't wearing any makeup but I felt pretty. I was pretty.
The feeling I had at the moment, the feeling I've been having when I remember it, is of my heart melting. I guess that's what they call gender euphoria. That should be my goal, to feel this great, to feel beautiful.
There are other moments when I feel like this. Sometimes I think of myself as a woman and I love it but it scares me. I guess I'm scared of losing everything I am, everything I have now. It's not that I really have things that I would actually lose, I live with my progressive parents who I think would end up accepting me, I don't have a girlfriend that may feel I'm not the person she felt in love with and I don't have a job where I can be discriminated. Everything that I want to do in my future; writing books, being a public worker, is feasible for a trans woman. It may be harder at some point, yes, but, with my safety net still there, what do I really have to lose?
I hate myself for many reasons and I think being trans is only one of them. I've never had a romantic or sexual relationship nor a job where I lasted more than 2 months, I have never managed to make friends or meet people on my own and I love so much being alone that I end up forgetting social skills and overthink every interaction I have as an awkward situation, no matter how enjoyable it actually is. While I don't think coming out or transitioning may solve all my problems, I think it would be a moment as good as any other to try and turn up my life. I like to think of this as going further in the spirit of change. At the very least, it would be a excuse as good as any to start seeing a therapist.
I guess, in the end, this is just me wanting to stick to my comfort zone while imagining how I would come out on a loop. In the past, that kind of attitude has led me to suffering, to self-loathing. For this reason, in my next journal entry, I've promised myself that I'm writing down my plan to come out to my close family and set a date for it to start.
Until then,
Peace✌️
How to do Tiktok gender swap filter trend on 2023?
How to do Tiktok gender swap filter trend on 2023? #genderswap
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