Okay you know what - writing things out is usually how I process them best, so Iām going to just do the diary post. Please donāt reblog it - if you want to respond to it you can, but either message me or leave it as a comment.Ā
Right so today was the first day Iāve been back at the modern orthodox shul I go to since a couple weeks ago when, for the first time in years (and thus the first time here ever) I ended up having a serious gender dysphoria issue.
I normally sit on the womenās side and present as a woman and try to blend in the best I can, and up until a couple weeks ago that has been just peachy. My thing is that Iām non-binary but I happen to prefer womenās attire and fit the social role for women better than the role for men, and so it just makes sense to blend in. Iām always conscious of the fact that Iām not and never will truly be a woman entirely. (Parts of my identity, sure, but never 100%.) But no one else really needs to know. Itās not their business and I donāt feel like explaining it or talking about it most of the time. It just makes things way more complicated than is necessary.
I didnāt used to be like this. I used to care a lot and present myself differently, etc., etc. ā but as Iāve gotten older Iāve gotten less enamored with the idea of educating folks and so Iād just as soon spend my time doing other things. Unfortunately, at present, there really isnāt a way to āpresent asā genderqueer or what-have-you such that your average Joe on the street could look at you and go ā yup, thatās an enby! Most people barely even know that there are binary trans people let alone non-binary trans people, and while thatās changing, itās going to be a long time before thereās an actual socially coherent gender role for non-binary folks. (And, to be perfectly honest, itās fair to question whether that would even be desirable. Iām not sure and Iām not going to go into that for now.)
So the reality is that my choices are (a) present as a man or woman and do my best to blend in, or (b) educate everyone I meet about gender theory. I used to be a hardliner option (b) person, but I also used to be a lot more excited about being non-binary, too. Early on, I was just thrilled that I finally understood what was happening internally.
The older I get, the more I wish I wasnāt.
Or, at least that I could appreciate being non-binary again. Unfortunately, what I really want is just to be 100% comfortable as a woman, because those are issues I understand ā I lived with them for a long time and I basically have to deal with them anyway because of how I present most of the time.
This? I donāt know what to do with this. I donāt understand why Hashem made me like this and what Iām supposed to learn from it. I donāt know what it means or how I should approach halacha as a non-binary person. I know that weāre all made bātzelem elokim ā and with regards to gender, how ironic that Hashem is essentially genderless? ā and I know that weāre supposed to appreciate that weāre made according to Hashemās will. Iāve increasingly struggled with this, and so needed to focus on other things for a bit.
So what I essentially did was push these issues underground because Iām close ā Iām so close ā to being able to just be a woman that I just tabled the issue entirely for months. Most of the time, my non-binaryness doesnāt really impact how I exist in most spaces. And then?
Well, and then there were the services a couple weeks ago. Nothing was out of the ordinary. I sat where I usually sat and I dressed how I usually dressed, and no one said anything odd or did anything to set this off.
But for the first time, it just hit me. How much I really didnāt fit on this side of the mechitza ā or the other, for that matter. And the worst part of it was that I couldāve gone to the back area where people do sit sometimes thatās a more neutral space, or I could have gone up to the balcony which is also a more fluid space, and it wouldnāt have fixed it because I didnāt want to be there. I wanted to be exactly where I was and be okay.
I ended up needing to dip out immediately as services ended and I think I said āShabbat shalomā to like, three people before leaving and then sat in the park for a while on my way home just thinking and trying to understand.
The reality is that no matter how much I wish I was a woman, Iām not. Iām not. I am under no illusions that I could āfixā this with proper prayer or whatever else, or that any sort of counseling or personal behavioral changes would ever make a difference. Iām as stuck with this as I am with my height, or my choices.
And when I really get down to it, Iām not sure I would change it even if I could. Without my gender garbage, Iām not sure who Iād be, but I would be a very different person. At the same time, that doesnāt change the fact that there is a significant part of me that just wishes I could be content with the sex I was assigned. It would make everything so much easier, and Iām so very close. Just not close enough.
Iām sure thereās something Iām supposed to learn from this or do with this, but I have no idea what that is and Iām just really tired. Work has been wearing me very thin, and particularly at that moment, I think what actually set all of this off was the fact that I felt completely inadequate at the work I was expected to be doing, and navigating all this gender nonsense and trying to understand what it means is just another difficult task that I felt completely unequal to and exhausted by.
I spent the next few days more liminally and presenting more masculine. Things got a lot better at work, and I eventually settled back into my womenās mask.
I went back to services there today, and I felt completely fine. Nothing like I had the last time. At the same time, I think I need to stop back-burnering this. So far, Iāve taken the strategy of just letting this issue lie fallow and hope that it works itself out eventually, in time. It seems, however, that perhaps I need to start investing more spiritual energy in what it means to be true to myself in any space, and then try to understand how I can even begin to apply that in this space.
