#gender log

[hardtobethebardbitch]

Gender Log

I have decided to do this, except I don’t know how to describe my gender so I’ll use music genres

This morning I’m feeling very rock, maybe more thrash metal

[nepsah]

man so bc of my pcos I don't menstruate, it's like the 1 positive "symptom" I get, but since I started the t gel I've been spotting and I Do Not Like That. I don't rlly have bottom dysphoria unless I'm menstruating. I may just have to stop all hrt until I get a hysterectomy or smthn if this keeps up

[nepsah]

shaved my face for the first time ever today !   ; w ; up til now i’ve just been trimming with little scissors.

[nepsah]

yesterday was my 3 year post-top surgery anniversary ; w; i might post some pics??? idk! i’ve gained some weight since then but its not bad. i gotta.... actually exercise.... bc i’m very sedentary 

[nepsah]

i restarted T today !

time to do weekly leg stabbings to Increase Testosterone

[nepsah]

scheduled an appt for the 11th to restart my hrt stuff !!! ; w ; and also talk abt permanent hair removal bc that's a bit source of discomfort for me @ m @;;;

[nepsah]

it occurs to me that i don’t know how to be a boy and that’s kinda upsetting

barring the obvious that there’s not really a wrong way to ‘be’ a boy- but that’s not what this is about.

growing up all my friends were girls, because intentionally or not it seemed like any time a family had more than 1 kid and they weren’t all girls or all boys, the kids were divided up by gender and expected to get along that way. i had maybe 1 male friend but i wouldn’t even really count it that way, he was a lot older than me and i guess i had what could be called a kiddie crush on him or something - before i even really knew what that was or what it meant

but growing up its been the same too- i have 1 male irl friend, all my other male or masc leaning friends are online only and the majority of them are also trans or gnc. which... there isn’t anything wrong with that, it.. i guess

i feel disconnected from the thing i feel closer to? if that makes sense? i’m not a girl/woman/female aligned - not totally a guy either but y’know, its a partial thing.

but i guess transitioning is scary when i don’t know the rules of the other side, if that makes sense. its easier not to pass and deal with being misgendered than it is to find myself cut off from what i do know without knowing how to exist in the other space

the solution is obviously to seek out more irl friends or spaces where i can maybe make those friends- which... i’m going to try to do, but it’s still kind of scary while i definitely don’t pass.

not passing is dangerous, and i live in a conservative state. my safety could very well depend on my ability to perform ‘boy’ correctly. maybe i stopped before because of this issue... because leaving the familiarity of ‘girl’ is scary. because dealing with the paperwork of trying to update my government mandated gender is scary... and potentially expensive. idk. its on my mind and i needed to get it off my chest.

[nepsah]

strongly considering starting hrt again

i think im getting more comfy