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*
Dear old friends
Dear old friends, Usually I would be upset that you left me. I would probably cry actually. But now I am at the point in my life where if you want to leave me I will open the damn door for you. If you wan’t to leave me then leave me. I am not going to wait around for you anymore. I am working on bettering myself, not changing myself for your enjoyment, Of course it upsets me that you no longer want to associate with me, but that’s life. Life throws so many obstacles in your way you just have to get used to them or get over them. I do not need you to be around telling me everything wrong with me. I need positive people around me. So if you plan on leaving me in the future, just go now. I do not need you in my life.
*
Been meaning to write this for a while. But only now I've had the heart to finally try to remove you from my life. Here goes. (spoiler: this isn't a short read)
When I first met you I never thought you would mean so much to me. I just thought you were this cute girl in japanese class that I would never get to know. Then suddenly you kept showing up in my life. I eventually got to know you because of school and unintentionally you became my friend. For some reason I have this one particular memory of you. I remember the last day of summer school with you. We ended early and we took the same bus (like always) we were walking to the bus stop when suddenly it zoomed right past us. We ran like hell after it. But because you were faster than me you were able to stop it before it left the stop. I remember the bus ride home. I forgot what we were talking about but I remember looking at you and how beautiful you looked that day. Even after sprinting like half a block. Your hair in your face, hair frizzy because of the heat, your eye liner smudged because of the sweat, fanning your black t-shirt trying to catch your breath. For some reason that bus ride seemed forever, everything kind of slowed down and I kept staring at you. And for some reason in that moment, I knew, I loved you.
Our first summer being friends went by so fast. So many days/nights spent doing absolutely nothing with you but it was worth it. Staying out late and getting in trouble from your uncle. I remember making all kinds of excuses to my dad just to get an extra hour or 2 just to be with you a little longer. It was amazing. I would trade the 4 years in high school just to live over that 1 summer again. That whole summer it was just me and you everyday. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Before this moment I never really had felt this way about anyone. I had an interest in a girl before this but she had stopped talking to me the moment I told her I liked her. She complete disconnected herself from me and I haven't talked to her since. I didn't want this to be like that so I always held my tongue. (Plus you had a boyfriend and I always respected a relationship between two people) Every time I saw you it was amazing. You had made my life so much more amazing. Before this I had become accustomed to being alone. But when I met you, it made me question why I would ever want to be alone. All I wanted was to be with you even if I couldn't actually be WITH you. Then you graduated. The worst year of high school for me was about to start (senior year).
I didn't like senior year much. Most of my friends had graduated and I was pretty much left with a handful of them. But we made it through. I still saw you every other day but I couldn't stay out late like how I use to during the summer. By this time we had met the other people who would be eventually recognized as the "Diamonds". You started working and I started to see you less. But it was alright, I would visit you at work sometimes when I would get out of school and I only had like 1 class. This year probably was the most insane for us. We had just met the people who we never thought we would be best friends with but suddenly we started to see them almost every day. Almost every night without fail we would go drinking and shit. Oh man we would get so shit faced almost every night. Being young I thought this was the best time in my life. Missing school waking up at 5 in the afternoon. Calling the same people every night, pick up a cheap handle of alcohol and drink that shit till we had forgot how to stand. So many nights. So much money spent. So much vomit cleaned up (LOL!) So many places trashed. So many encounters with the cops. Only now I realized how lucky we had been with the law, so many times we should have been arrested but instead just let off with a warning. I swear we had been banned from being in half the island. To the point we could only stay here in Ewa. But we didn't it was all for fun. And when the week ended thats when we would rest while everyone else had their fun. But when monday came around, it was time to do it all over again. This year was such a blur. I had a lot of fun but I honestly don't know how I did it. We had become best friends. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
Then suddenly I was out of high school too. I had just got a job and we had been seeing each other a little less but it was ok. We had shit to do. You had a boyfriend to keep you occupied and I was working and going to school. This part isn't so awesome. Their were times in the past we would argue but it was only small. But it started to become more frequent. Small arguments turned into giant heated battles. But it was ok right? If I didn't care about you I would just not say anything. Then it started to become a constant. Hanging out started to become a challenge of who could stay level headed longer than the other. I hated this. I hated arguing with you so much. Then every time you called me, it always seemed like a favor, constant favors. At first I didn't mind but then it continued. You never said thank you. You know this. I can't remember how many times I've yelled at you, how many times I sent you paragraph long text messages trying to explain myself. But it never worked, it just made it worse for arguments we would have later. It became such a regular for us to be at each others throats, our friends even said it would be weird if we weren't arguing. Then you started detaching yourself from me. Questioning the fact that if we argue so much why are we even friends? Let alone best friends. Days would pass without you even saying a word. But when you did call it was to take you to school or bring you to work. You would even call me right after I got off my late shifts to see if I could pick you up. Even single time, every damn time, without fail, I did what you asked me. Every time I would think it would be different, that we wouldn't fight or doing this favor might make her less irritable, but to no avail. We would be on good terms for a while then one small thing would set one of us off then it would be back to the throat cutting. But it was ok right? As long as you are my best friend right? I could never stay mad at you. Not with the way I felt, I couldn't never be mad at you for long. I guess you could say I was blinded by the love that didn't exist.
Out of no where you became single. I remember that day. You called me in the middle of the night while I was asleep but I awoke because I recognized your ringtone. You were crying. Barely able to speak any words. But what you could say is that he broke up with you. I was never good at these kind of situations so I didn't know what to say. I was really tired and asked you if you wanted to talk about it in the morning. After a few moments of silence you told me no. I told you to call me in the morning if you wanted to talk about it then you hung up. The next morning I remember calling you. But before hand I had been up writing somethings to say to you. My confession, if you will. I had finally had enough of this silly game we had played for so long. Pretending not to secretly think "what if" I don't really know if you did, but it really seemed like you did. So I tried. I went for. I swallowed my heart and I jumped in. But I didn't know that what seemed like a deep meaningful relationship was actually just a puddle of mixed feelings. I admit my timing is awful. Like cmon, the morning after she breaks up?! Damn that was stupid. But everything I feared had come to fruition. You rejected me. Hard. Telling me that the only thing we had in common was we both like smoking weed and a couple of meaning full conversations. I couldn't believe it. I was crushed. After that it was never the same. She never wanted to see me unless it was for school or a favor. I blamed myself for everything, I was so unstable, I had ruined everything.
Leaving, thats all you would talk about. You wanted to get away. Leave everything. Start some where else. I never said you shouldn't get away from here. But I never encouraged it. Mainly because you would be away from me. But I think that was the point. Then finally you had set a date. May 13th. Thats when you left. A couple days before he had gone to this party with a couple of friends. I'm not gonna lie but I had gotten really wasted, probably a little to wasted. I remember passing out in my car for a little bit. You left your phone their and I had saw a guy was texting you. The same guy you had been trying to get with for the longest time. Jealously took over me and I freaked out. I had wanted to kill myself in that moment. I remember walking away from my car and just crying. I ran away from everyone and I just wept like a fucking baby. I couldn't control myself. I had to call someone to talk to or else I don't know what I would have done, maybe I would of actually done it. Thankfully a Diamond who had moved away answered her phone and she had managed to talk me down. I managed to calm down and go back to my car. I remember seeing you their and I had been cursing and yelling at you over the phone earlier so you didn't really want to talk to me. The next day we really go into it. It was you last night here and I wanted to try to make everything right, make everything like how it use to be before you left. I even had something to give you. I knew that the Diamonds had a little something planned for your going away so I had called everyone to see what was happening. No one answered. I finally texted you and got a response. We were at each others throats again. I couldn't control myself and said things I really wished I hadn't.
Then before I knew it, you told me to never talk to you again. Just like that, everything that had happened, everything that I had shared with you that I never told to anyone else, all of my trust I had in you, done. I have realized that if I hadn't got so attached to you maybe we could have been more friendly with each other. I became jealous. Jealous of the attention you would give all the other guys. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not good looking but we saw eye to eye and we had more in common than you would care to mention. I remember you told me it would never work between us. That we were just two angry people and if we had been together it would just be terrible. I see that now. I see that it would of been better to just be friends than to be more than that. I just always thought we had something more than that. Your gone now and if you had told me to imagine my life without you 2 years ago I would of said I couldn't. But look at me. Here I am. Without you by my side. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't want to be in a relationship with you, I didn't want to get it in with you and I didn't want you to be trapped in this place forever. All I really wanted.
Was you.
(I left a lot out but if I hand't this would have been way way way way way way to long)
Back, expect a reply flood.
I don't do things I do for attention. I do not ask for idolization from the things I have been through. I do not say you haven't been through things either. I know now, and I take my time to go through all of my shit on a different computer because mine is broken just for you and now you are being rude to me again after we discussed how I didn't understand and now I do, but yet I'm still wrong. The things you say to people you make sure you hit their weak spots, and that's disgusting. You're telling me about how I am the rude one, you should see the stuff that your "perfect, un-harmless" friends are saying to me. I deleted them because I would not post such vulgar language, but I read them. So I know you're taking your time going trough my stuff, so I hope you take your time to read this too.
Day 1
So. Today was pretty boring at school. We had a little "party" USH. Ate some popcorn drank some soda, and watch Napoleon Dynomite. Then study hall I pretty much worked on another WINGS team sign, and dinked around in the bathroom. Then back to study to do like nothing. I seriously sat there, bored, and started to write on paper about the intensity of my boredness. lol. Yeah. Oh and Chemisty! We got a 59/60 which is an A. I told you I would make it work, you just needed to trust me! We get to try again and possibly get a 62/60. But idk. I think a 59 is good either way. Some people got like 45's :O. Kevin Walls and Jordan Salmi's was really good. And so was Nick's and Marcus's. It was so simple it didn't look like it would've worked, but it did! PE was alright we moved mats and then played JUST DANCE. Then school was over and I was going to go home, but Katie Tooke drove, so I wanted to ride with her, so we went and got Shamrock Shakes from MACDONS. Then she dropped me off, and I went back and met Brittany at MACDONS:P And she got all mad and sad, cause Kaela was all shady and then while we were there, So was Joe and Karis, and Kaela and Jordan. Brittany thinks Joe and Karis are going to start dating. Uhh. then Brittany had to pick up her mom, so I went to B&N and looking for TFiOS. And ended up suggesting it to a girl, who then bought it. :) Then I went into Zumiez, and that doucher accused me of trying to steal again... He's like you realize everytime you come in here, I watch you like a hawk. I'm like ajskdfhlh I'm NOT stealing! just because I don't like talking to you, and I don't like making eye contact much, doesn't mean I'm stealing! GOSH. Anyways, so i left, I was like fine you're not getting my money then.. Then I left and went to MC Sports and looked at hats and stomp pads for my board. Then went back to the LALSAC games watched for a bit. Then Hunter, Brittany, India and I went to BWW, and then Kaitlyn Christie came along, that was pretty fun actually. Then Brittany went with katlyn and I was with Hunter and India and we went around singing songs in my car:P Hunter's really good at singing actually lol. uhh. We went to PetSmart and Sams Club. Then back to the games. I watched a bit, and talked with the little Cortez girl and some other girls from Sparta. Then after the game talked to Regina, she's so adorable:) haha. Uhh. then I gave Emily Cortez a ride home, and now I'm home. Yup. That was my day. Kay, I hope your first day in the DR was great! I bet it was. Hope you're soaking up the sun! Love you!
Un Momento To Get Everything Out
Wanna know what I'm thinking? Check my Twitter. Wanna know how I really feel about something? Check my Tumblr. I really just want you to tell me that you still like me. I don't even know if I can say cute things to you anymore because I'm afraid you'll get all awkward and shit. Can I still say "Come snuggle" or "I miss you"? I want to be the person you say "Babe, I need you to be there for me right now." because believe me, I would be there in a heartbeat. I want you to know that I would wake up at any time of night if I knew you needed someone to talk to. I want you to know that I would do absolutely anything for you. I don't care about everything being public. As long as you know I'm yours, and I know you're mine. We don't have to tell the world. I want to be those two people that everyone can say "Oh, no, they're serious." I want people to figure out on their own that we're together, just by the way we act. I want people to look at us and say "Awh" because we're cute together. I miss the cute faces you used to make at me, and the little comments you would make. I miss you playing with my fingers when I sat next to you. I want to take cute pictures like the couples on Tumblr. I want to have sleepovers and wake up next to you and not care that I'm probably not at my prettiest. There isn't a single thing about you that I don't miss. I know I'm being a complete girl, and I'm probably being really dramatic, but it's my tumblr is it not? I can post whatever I want. When I talk about you I don't want to get upset and have to try to act okay. I want to talk about you and blush and smile because everything is okay. I wish I wasn't so confused by this whole thing. I wish I knew exactly what was going through your head when you thought about me.
