Thoughts At Night
As I lay here, listening to the rain tapping against my window, I think about all that has happened last year, and what is to come this year for me, and my life and future.
After my father passed away, I felt almost lost, and like I was in a rut. My thoughts were dark, and brooding. I would go into different states, from being happy one day to being depressed, and thinking about why. Why did that have to happen to my dad. The one who supported me with my riding, and my other goals. The one who was calm in most situations, and could take a joke and laugh. The one who was easy to talk to.
I felt like I was going in autopilot for most of last year. Visiting my husband in England helped a little bit, shortly after my dad passed, but after coming back to the States, I fell into a rut again. I was depressed about having to endure the distance until the next visit, or until we get our lives in order. He was stuck in a rut, with no success in securing a stable job in England. I was stuck, working at a job that just made me more moody, still not in the mindset of getting a license because of my fear of cars, and of driving, convinced that I was going to die in a car crash due to recurring nightmares of such events happening to me. The relationship with my mother was rocky still. We would either be good one day, or fighting the next. My brother and I would often hide in our own areas, confiding in each other.
The barn, horses, and riding made me somewhat sane, and talking to my trainer helped a bit with my state. I had a good relationship with my trainer, and felt like I could talk to her about almost anything. However, last year, with my riding there was also some bumps. She noticed that I was more tense in the saddle at times, and that I was hunching forward sometimes. This was most noticeable when I was getting back into cantering. Some days were good lesson days, and other days felt like I was just not there with my riding.
Then, when June hit, my grandfather got put into hospital, and passed away. Another hit. Just when things were going okish for 2017, another event just kicks me in the ass. I was numb during my grandfather’s funeral, having experienced my Abuelita passing away in 2013, and my father unexpectedly passing away in December of 2016. I just wanted this shit to be over with.
My husband lands a job in July... great. Maybe we can get the ball rolling on me moving to England. Then October comes around, he loses his job. Back to the drawing board. Back to waiting and visits and stagnancy.
November. I get back into the horse show game, with a Fall Fun Show at the barn. Something surprises me. I overhear my trainer and Mom discussing about horse ownership. My mind is overwhelmed about it, and unsure. I join the conversation with a level head, saying that it is something I had to think about. I know what it takes to own a horse, and the financial responsbility it requires. Of course, owning a horse is something I’ve always wanted. However, I want to be able to provide the best care for the horse.
I think about it, hard and talk to my husband, my friends at the barn, my coworkers, my in laws, and my brother about it. I start writing out a budget, to figure out exactly what I need month to month, and how much it would cost me a year. I take a breath. Think more. I can actually make it work. Ok, let’s go.
I inform my mother and trainer of my decision, and start the process of horse shopping. First ad? Sounds too good to be true, and it was. It was a scammy ad, meant to bait unsuspecting buyers. I found the same ad, posted around the same time, about every year, just change the horse’s name up. Another ad? Horse sounded good, so I responded and the horse was already sold. Another ad pops up. Hmm a Mustang. I’ve always wanted a Mustang. However, found out he had trouble trailer loading, and had trouble picking up canter. Got sent a video, and saw him throw a mini buck when the person got him to canter. Too green for me. This horse shopping business is tough.
Another ad. A nine year old Trottingbred gelding. Bombproof, crossties, loads, 13.1hh, was used as a trail pony, stands for farrier, good feet, easy keeper. Is this another too good to be true equine? And what’s a Trottingbred. I decide to give it a shot and to contact the seller. I find out more about him. I ask if he canters. She says he canters, but it takes him a bit to get to that point. I ask all other necessary questions bustling through my mind that a first time horse buyer should ask. He was introduced to cross rails, and did a bit of arena work. He has the potential to make a good little eventing pony. I get his pictures, and a video of him. I send them to my trainer. My trainer fishes over him, and gives him the thumbs up. My gut is giving me a really good feeling and my heart is telling me to go for it.
Eventually, with trainer and my mother in tow, we go to see him, and to pick him up. At that point, I was thinking “I want to work with him, I have a strange feeling he’s the one.” We arrive to the seller’s place. I see the little chestnut gelding in his stall, poking his head out at me. I give him my hand to sniff, and he blows softly into my palm. I start to stroke him, staring into his brown eyes. My gut is still telling me to go for it, and I have a feeling of calmness, and a filled feeling in my heart. One that was gone when my dad passed away. I ask for him to be led out, and watch him being led. I ask if I can pick up his feet, groom him. He picks up his feet, like an angel. I groom him, and he stands there, calm as I do so and fuss around with him. I lead him out to the trailer to get him tacked. He stands and racks up perfectly. I mount him- I can mount him from the ground. I walk him. He is forward, that is for sure, but calm about it. I trot him around. He had a good, strong trot about him. The feeling of riding him- I just felt right sitting on him. Everything about him felt very right. My trainer comes to my side and talks to me about him, confirming my feelings. About the right age, right temperament, just the right size for my small self, lovely disposition. I decide to go through with it and get him. The seller’s fiancé comes along with a bag of stuff that belongs to the gelding- his halter, two western saddles, two bridles, two cinches, and a stable blanket. We write out the bill of sale. I lead him to the trailer to load. He stops for a moment, looks down to sniff the trailer before calling walking in. He is mine.
We get home, and I walk him to the indoor arena. I lead him around. The gelding looks more alert, after being moved to a new place, but has a soft, kind, learning eye about him. I talk to him gently, and muse about his name. Honky Tonk Jet. It was quirky, and I liked it. His barn name? I called him Jet. I turn him out, and see for myself how fancy his gaits are. He breaks into a lovely trot, before transitioning into a canter. When he settles, he rolls, and eats hay set out for him and the donkey that he is turned out with.
My first ride is in a lesson with him. Jet is a curious, inquisitive little fellow. We just walk around the arena, then get him into a trot. His trot does indeed have a lot of power, and he is a bit fast in it, but something we can work on. All in all, the lesson went great, and I find out what to work with him at his skill level.
Fast forward to now- I have a lovely little pony, whose personality is one that I love. He could not be more perfect for me if he tried. He really shines when he is working, and I could see him thinking, and learning as we work together. We are working on groundpoles, and getting him consistent in his trot and walk. Already, his trot has improved to be more smooth, and his walk is more at ease. I feel more connected to him, like we work as a team.
This year, I am working on getting my permit so I can work toward my license to see Jet more often. When I wake up for work, I go, knowing that I am doing it to provide for my pony. I am less moody about work, and feel more happy. I am also working on getting my husband to the States, since acquiring Jet. He wants to support me in my riding endeavors with him. The relationship with my mother has improved somewhat. She even made a nameplate for Jet, and comes into the barn at times to watch me ride him. I feel like I am not walking on eggshells as much when talking to her. I feel like there are at least some things I can discuss with her.
Even though I have only owned Jet for about a month now, I feel like he has filled an empty hole in my heart. Maybe it was a sign from my dad, or a gift from my dad, but that is silly thinking. Maybe I just happened on Jet by chance. Because of Jet, I feel happier. He has made me more stable, and gives me that drive to want to improve myself for him. I want to say, thank you Honky Tonk Jet, for being my first pony, and for being in my life so far. I feel like that together, we can get through this year easier. I feel like together, we can get through anything. <3
