#ghost consultation

[investighostions]

There's a small white creature running around my house. it may be a cat, may be a ghost, or may be a ghost cat. How does one determine the difference?

Dear Anonymous:

Firstly: I hope you manage to escape the villains that are stalking you and forcing you to disguise your identity. Some day, you will be safe again. I am rooting for you.

Secondly: You are absolutely right; it can be very difficult to distinguish cats from ghosts. Both are swift, malicious beings with glowing eyes, but of course, both make life much more interesting.

Here is a simple distinction between them that can make discerning which you are dealing with quite easy:

Do you ever leave out food in your home, perhaps on the ground? If the food is quietly eaten in the nighttime, you are dealing with a cat.

If the food is eaten sloppily and replaced with gelatinous residue, you are dealing with a ghost. Don’t be scared. Your ghost seems adorable. I suggest you name it Scampers.

[investighostions]

Every time I drive my car, it makes a malevolent squeaking and grinding sound. I've taken it to the garage, but they can find nothing wrong. I can only conclude that it is ghosts, monsters, spooks or squirrels. What should I do?

Firstly, thank you for bringing this question to my attention and not, say, the attention of those charlatans Click and Clack, the so-called “Car Talk Guys.” Those who know that much about cars must be evil wizards, or at least have made a diabolic deal with one, and that is a subject for another, more wizard-affiliated blog.

 With that said, I must inform you that cars are by nature malevolent monsters and should not be trifled with. They are firebreathing monstrosities that only care about your demise, and can chase you down at top speeds of up to several kilometers per hour. Moreover, cars are liable to be possessed by Gremlins, those much-maligned prankster spirits known for breaking planes during World War II and making my esteemed colleague William Shatner feel frightened.

 For these reasons, like any sensible person, I only travel by bicycle, horse, subway, bus, in-line skates, or Razor-brand collapsible scooter, and I suggest you follow in my footsteps. Or rather, Razor-brand collapsible scooter tire tracks.

  It is a narrow track, because this scooter is so razor-thin. But friend, I assure you that track was made by some inspiring lime green glow-in-the-dark scooter tires, and that is all the more reason to follow me.