#ghost speaks

[ghostingurdreams]

I do not think I've shown my new kitten here, her name is magpie, but I've been calling her mag/mags

[ghostofasecretary]

things that sound kinda good

- my hair being clean-er✅️

- snacks (repeat indefinitely)✅️

- cut and file toenails!!✅️

- hang up skirt mb?✅️

- brush teeth extra ig✅️

- [maybe the internet doesn't need that detailed but also who cares idk]

- cleaning my room--uh. which part. you already have sorting papers so: dust?

- sort some papers??

- towel bath?

- reading an ACADEMIC book (vortex chances way lower historically speaking)

- paint nails (warning: cannot move fingers for like 40 minutes after)

- draw smtg?

- wearing perfume or pretty clothes actually sounds aversive. awful! usually i love that! what gives! anyways. maybe that will change?

- water plants (do when it is lighter outside!! like 1 hour but still)

- kill self? no. god. HATE when my brain goes back to this button! it isn't actually a solution!!

- starting a new novel (concern: might become unable to STOP new book)

- doing work in a way i enjoy instead of a way i find deeply shameful and embarrassing (sorry! current status: impossible!!)

5min chunk 1✅️

hm. pomodoro break 2 so far seems to consist of a) toenails and b) OVERWHELMING GUILT THAT I'M NOT STILL WORKING. don't. don't love that. let's at least brush teeth and hang up something?

i have 10 minutes left on the timer and all of the remaining "good times maybe" options sound. bad.

i guess wanting to work is? good enough??? let's call it here and start again later?????

i don't want to go outside the sacred bounds of the Timer, tho. fuck.

do stupid video stuff.

oh, right, a good chunk of the stupid video stuff is Impossible. oops!

did 20 minutes of work yippee✅️

i should take down NOTES for my PROCESS EXERCISE 2 and then SLEEP because i'm FUCKOFF TIRED

...5 more minutes of work sure✅️

45 minutes of work with 30 minutes of break is better than NINE HOURS of break with 0 minutes of work by a lot. please be less mean to yourself and lie down for a bit

[ghostofasecretary]

anywho. things and projects etc etc

- we've got no chance of doing anything on time ever. should i kill myself

- never kill yourself. but

it feels like i do not want to do any of this and not wanting to do anything is. kind of a non starter afa doing things goes.

do we want to sleep? no.

probably should! but

no.

i won't wake up on time and it will just feel worse.

what about reverse pomodoro? 5min on, 15min off??

i *can* do some things i want to do. i could do stuff on Friday when none of it was homework, and i had a good time and felt like a person with a body and a life and a future.

so. let's try being SUPER nice about it

and if that doesn't work tonight we can consider Torture Vortex options (go somewhere out of the house, buy a ton of food, caffeine time, don't leave till stuff is done even if u hate life)

but. it would be great to do An major project, actually

and there's nowhere to go at 4am but home

so let's try. home work -_-

[ghostofasecretary]

- hey what if i like. try to treat the depression i think i'm probably dealing with. that would be cool right? that would be a reasonable step to at least try?

i have had such miserable (my life benchmarked) experiences trying to fiddle with meds that basically work that i. do not want to do that. and miserable therapy experiences also (even the best was kind of damaging and the mediocre was like...probably helpful but also Was It). but i should fucking pick one to try

"Anhedonia is a transdiagnostic domain that leads to poor disorder outcome and low remission rates." not super helpful as an intro, NLM summary!

- i guess there is Third Option: Neuromodulation

that sounds scarier

is it scarier than the Ooze????

of course it is. um

- agomelatine

know nothing about this guy or if i can try it with my current meds but it's top of NLM so?

also: big fan of drugs

cons: what if it makes me fucked up forever. or just significantly more suicidal. i have shit to do! i can't be sad and weird!!

...observe how much shit i have not been doing due to being sad. anyways

- therapy seems less promising but ~behavioural activation~ sounds less hateful than CBT or mindfulness? maybe???

as ever finding therapists who will actually do what you want and none of what you don't want is a Level 1000 Challenge but. whatever

tentatively leaning therapy because a less effective method seems. idk. nice??

but

idk!!!

[ghostofasecretary]

getting really tired of "so i did nothing and felt bad and my goals feel as unreachable as the stars because my brain is on fire and also I Don't Care"

nevertheless.

hm.

not sure what to do about any of this! tbh!!

[wizzsp]

People really do only have so much patience for you being tired all the time

[wizzsp]

"I don't wanna be left out" okay well if I'm discussing something with someone and the topic makes you uncomfortable/upset... yes? You kind of do?

[wizzsp]

I know I hang out with too many freaks (affectionate) when shit like bloodplay feels tame as hell