Saudade, Saudade (Part five)
THE DAY SHE LOST HERSELF, Balkanic Beach
It's already dawn, and Maro and her friends are playing frisbee in the cold sand. It's not even spring yet, but being outside always brings them such joy, with the beachy wind and salt air.
Ben throws the frisbee to Gjon, but miserabily fails. The frisbee ends up almost at Maro's feet, where she is sitting not paying much attention to her friends.
BEN: Oh, come on! It was the wind, it was a perfect throw!
GJON: (going to get the frisbee) Yeah, just like the past 32 times.
BEN: I was the Frisbee Champion in middle school. I won two years in a row.
GJON: Ben, I went to middle school together. You don't have to lie.
Ben sighs. Gjon bends down to get the frisbee and looks at Maro.
GJON: You alright?
Maro instantly notices him by her side. She nods, and stares at the ocean again.
GJON: Are you sure you don't want to play with us?
MARO: No, it's okay. I'm terrible at frisbee.
GJON: I think Ben brought a volley ball.
Maro smiles.
MARO: I swear I'm fine. I'm just... contemplating the view.
GJON: Okay, okay... I'll leave you alone. But I'll keep an eye on you, because you are in that mood again.
MARO: (confused) Which mood?
GJON: You know, that mood when you overthink everything.
Maro half smiles, because she knows he is right.
MARO: I'm fine, I promise.
Ben calls Gjon, and he takes a last glance at her and goes away to play frisbee again, while Maro keeps watching the distant ocean.
She takes her phone out and sees a couple of messages from Stefan. She sighs, and turns the phone off.
It's been a couple of days where she feels like going backwards, like nothing makes sense again. She can't feel full: she doesn't feel like going out with her friends, nor drawing or playing some ukelele. Food doesn't even taste right. It's just that everything feels so... empty.
She feels a couple of shivers down her arms because it's windy and it's starting to be chiller outisde. She covers her skin with her arms and sighs.
If only she'd never met her... She would be much happier. And she would've been much happier in the past three years.
It hurts to think that she never knew no one romantically apart from her. And she can't stop seeing her everywhere she goes. She lives in her head still. She can't bear with it anymore.
Days are long and nights are sleepless. It's been so many weeks since the last time she slept fine. And she wakes up rutinelly and does everything she is supposed to do, but everything feels so... empty.
And she knows she doesn't have to do it, but she recalls all the good times they had together and play the memories in her head. She knows she is never going to live something like that again. She won't love again.
And Stefan comes into her mind... She knows she is going to hurt him. So bad... she is feeling so guilty about everything.
Why can't anything ever last for her?
It's that feeling again, reminiscing of all her past: saudade, saudade.
