Pride month thoughts, and an intensely personal story
Warning if this bothers you: this post is pride and LGBTQIA-positive, but there will be prayer and discussion of religious ideas in this.
When I was in college (1990s), I began to realize I wasn't straight. I liked both girls and guys. I had kind of assumed I was straight most of my life up to then. It just wasn't something I questioned. Growing up, I didn't even know there was anything else to be.
I was scared to say anything to my dad (he had a horrible temper and rage outbursts that terrified me), so I spoke to my mom. I spoke nonspecifically and vaguely about gay and bi people. I talked around the topic and she said "You know, if you were gay,I don't think I could love you anymore."
I was super casual, left the room and cried my eyes out quietly in my room.
I had heard of it happening to other kids I knew. Their parents would cut them off, kick them out, or try to force them into a lifestyle that was a lie.
The truly horrifying truth underneath all these parents, and my own, was that their love was *conditional*. A love that only exists as long as the other person meets certain criteria is a lie. It is not love.
When I felt better, I was angry. I was angry at all those nonloving parents. I was sad for these kids. I felt helpless to change what was happening. I was and am a hopeful agnostic who sometimes goes to liberal Christian church. So I wrote a letter to God.
I expressed my sadness and anger over the things that were happening to LGBT youth. I had pretty much always wanted to be a mom when I grew up. I then asked that instead of sending those kids to parents who couldn't love them, to send them to me. That I would do my best to love them unconditionally. I prayed that God would give me LGBTQIA kids. I wanted to love them like all those bad parents couldn't.
I know it sounds odd, but I poured my tears and feelings into this letter. It helped me feel better.
Then I got older and mostly forgot about it. I married a fairly feminine guy and became a mom.
I remembered it a few years ago. When my two kids grew and came out to me, when my then-7 yr old begged to crossdress (as I saw it then) and be called Sophie, I realized my prayers had been answered. I was given the blessing of an opportunity to give love to those who might not have had it in other families.
I am genuinely thankful and full of hope that some of my kids are part of the LGBTQIA spectrum. I can actually say that having an Ace/Aro kid increases my belief in the possibility of a higher power. Having a pan/genderfluid kid makes me have hope for an eternity of love awaiting us all after death.
My kids being themselves makes me a happier and more hopeful person, and I love being their mom.
Happy Pride Month kiddos.
