Jan 11, 2024
actually no, we're not "dating". we're bound together for infinity. like the stars. so, fuck you, actually.
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actually no, we're not "dating". we're bound together for infinity. like the stars. so, fuck you, actually.
What means so much to me about Ryland Grace being widely headcanonned as AceAro, is who he is.
Grace is not a robot. Grace is not a child. Grace is not the youngest of a group. Grace is not naive and innocent.
Doctor Captain Ryland Grace is a full person, with a full life, who feels strongly and loves humanity. So many people head cannoning a fully grown and competent and emotional person as AceAro means the world to me
Aphobia is crazy because why does my decision not to fuck or romance anybody matter to you
the aromantic agenda
x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x
@makelimeade @kiwimuichiro @fallenrain40 @redysetdare @canonically47 @arodabi @drakenhert @pinnakoladda @thisvegetabledoesntfallinlove @midnightcrisisstuff @the-nefarious-vampire
about a month ago, my uncle asked if I had a significant other. I appreciate his gender inclusivity, of course.
I'm used to the question. it's not like it's something outrageous that he's asking. so I simply said no, that's not for me.
he looked at me and said "well, someday." not someday maybe, just.... someday.
of course I'm not quick to anger, but there's a part of me that's a little more defensive about my aroace identity. so I jumped to my defense.
my uncle isn't a bad guy, he's quite nice and tries his best to be respectful in the current political shit storm by supporting queer people. but apparently that does exclude me, an aroace.
I reiterated that I'm just not interested in a romantic or sexual partnership, and I really do not ever see that changing.
and he said something to the effect of "it's okay if you don't want that now."
and I said, "no, it's just okay that I don't want that."
and he said that I was pessimistic. as if I was secretly searching for a relationship or a partner, but was rejecting love because I could not find one.
I calmly (with all the rage in my veins) told him "no, a life without love or sex is something optimistic for me."
he had the gall to look horrified.
I'm sick of aroace people not being seen as normal human people when they don't want the outcome of their life to look like everyone else's. I'm sick of the white picket fence, I'm sick of the assumption that everyone has another half out there.
I'm whole on my own.
Every so often you see some aroallo* on here saying that the aro and ace communities should be separate and I just. Have you never actually talked to an asexual? Have you never had a single conversation with one about your aspec identities?
Like, obviously there's the fact that so many people are aroace and so the two communities would still have a lot of overlap no matter what, but even if you're talking about people who are just asexual, we both say and feel the same exact things, just about romance instead of sex. Honestly sometimes it feels like I have more in common with alloaces than aroaces because we both have the same central frustration of "why the hell has society decided that these two things have to go together? Why is only wanting one such a hard concept?" They understand the struggle of how hard it is to find people who are willing to do one thing with you but don't expect you to do the other.
Like, I have had a conversation before with someone who was like "I know this is going to sound super weird, especially from someone who is ace" and I got to say "oh my god, no, not only is that not weird, I've done the exact same thing before but with romance." That's so cool! It's great that we can do that!
Whether you're aro, ace, another aspec identity (because let's not forget about atertiaries), or some combination of those, we all share the same frustration of "why is all media so obsessed with this one thing?" We all can't easily explain our identities to other people. We literally feel the exact same ways, just about different things. The aspec experience is the same across all identities, it's just in different fonts.
Saying we should be separate is like saying that lesbians and gay people shouldn't be in the same community, because lesbians know nothing about attraction to men and gay people know nothing about attraction to women. People have said that too, and I hope you all know how ridiculous that is. It's ignoring the common ground of being attracted to the same gender instead of the one you're supposed to be attracted to, and it's also ignoring how much defining those identities as not liking men/women is going to alienate the bi/pan/etc people who also share most of the same experiences.
Anyway. Hi aces. You are very cool. If anyone doesn't want you sitting with me, I'll make them leave instead.
*(Full disclosure that I'm sure there are aces who say this too, I just don't see it because I don't follow ace tags)
Free (mostly academic) ace theory resources
On asexuality
Asexuality: What It Is and Why It Matters - Anthony Bogaert
Asexuality: Classification and Characterization - Nicole Prause et al.
Asexuality - Luke Brunning et al.
Biological Markers of Asexuality: Handedness, Birth Order, and Finger Length Ratios in Self-identified Asexual Men and Women - Morag A. Yule et al.
Crisis and safety: The asexual in sexusociety - Ela Przybylo
On asexuality and HSDD
Reconsidering Asexuality and Its Radical Potential - CJ DeLuzio Chasin
Asexuality: An Extreme Variant of Sexual Desire Disorder? - Lori A. Brotto et al.
Asexuality: Sexual Orientation, Paraphilia, Sexual Dysfunction, or None of the Above? - Lori A. Brotto et al.
Asexuality vs. sexual interest/arousal disorder: Examining group differences in initial attention to sexual stimuli - Julia Bradshaw et al.
On the Split Attraction Model
Splitting Attraction: Differentiating Romantic and Sexual Orientations Among Asexual Individuals - Canton Winer
Ace and Aro: Understanding Diferences in Romantic Attractions Among Persons Identifying as Asexual - Amy N. Antonsen
On acephobia
“I don’t know if this counts but…” A report on acephobia in 2021. thank you to @plum-petunia for finding this <2
Examining the Social Tabooisation of Asexuality: The Underpinnings of Anti‑Asexual Bias - Grigoropoulos Iraklis
Chasing Aces: Asexuality, Misinformation and the Challenges of Identity - Adrienne Colborne
An Intersectional Exploration of Outness, Encountered Discrimination and Violence, and Non-Suicidal Self-Injury among Asexual Youth across Gender Identities - Zurong Liang
LGBTQ Minus: Predictors of Anti-Asexual Bias Among Straight, Gay, and Bisexual Individuals - Nicholas A. Ashenfelter
“And Now I’m Just Different, but There’s Nothing Actually Wrong With Me”: Asexual Marginalization and Resistance - Kristina Gupta
On the ace community
Asexuality: A Mixed-Methods Approach - Lori A. Brotto et al.
‘”Asexual” Isn’t Who I Am’: The Politics of Asexuality - Matt Dawson et al.
Asexuality is inversely associated with positive body image in British adults - Viren Swami et al.
“What Can Asexuality Offer Sociology ? Insights from the 2017 Asexual Community Census” thank you to this anon on my main blog for finding this <2
Establishing Asexual Identity: The Essential, the Imaginary, and the Collective - Agata Pacho
2022 Ace Community Survey Summary Report - Ai Baba et al.
Belonging to the Ace Spectrum: Correlates of Cognitions, Feelings, and Desires of Ace Individuals - A. Catarina Carvalho et al.
There’s more to life than sex? Difference and commonality within the asexual community - Mark Carrigan
The lives of asexual individuals outside of sexual and romantic relationships: education, occupation, religion and community - Esther D. Rothblum
On asexuality and the queer community
Queering Asexuality: Asexual-Inclusion in Queer Spaces - Dominique A. Canning
What Asexuality Contributes to the Same-Sex Marriage Discussion - Kristin S. Scherrer
Asexual and Non-Asexual Respondents from a U.S. Population Based Study of Sexual Minorities - Esther D. Rothblum et al.
“I Didn’t Know Ace Was a Thing”: Bisexuality and pansexuality as identity pathways in asexual identity formation - Canton Winer
(A)Sexuality Online: Self-Discovery, Exclusion, and Community in the Digital Age of Asexuality - Lauren Kauenhofen
Too Queer to be Queer? Revisiting the Metaphysics and Epistemology of Asexuality - Abigail Klassen
Uncertain Belonging: Asexuality and Queer Nightlife - Canton Winer
Asexual Borderlands: Asexual Collegians’ Reflections on Inclusion Under the LGBTQ Umbrella - Amanda L. Mollet
On asexuality in different parts of the world
Patterns of asexuality in the United States - Dudley Poston
Patterns of Asexuality in China: Sexual Activity, Sexual and Romantic Attraction, and Sexual Desire - Lijun Zheng et al.
Constructions of Asexual Identity in China: Intersections of Class, Gender, Region of Residence, and Asexuality - Day Wong et al.
Seeing the Invisible: Asexuality in the South - Ellie Campbell
On intersectionality
Asexuality in disability narratives - Eunjung Kim
You have to be normal to be abnormal: an empirically grounded exploration of the intersection of asexuality and disability - Karen Cuthbert
Asexuality and epistemic injustice: a gendered perspective - Karen Cuthbert
“When We Talk about Gender We Talk about Sex”: (A)sexuality and (A)gendered Subjectivities - Karen Cuthbert
Theorizing Conscious Black Asexuality through Claire Kann’s Let’s Talk about Love - Brittney Miles
Variations in suicidality across multiple social identities in asexual people: An intersectionality analysis - Sinéad Kelleher
Contested Intersections: Asexuality and Disability, Illness, or Trauma - A. Kurowicka
Does Everyone Have a Gender? Compulsory Gender, Gender Detachment, and Asexuality - Canton Winer
The Intersection of Gender Diversity and Asexuality Psychotherapy with TGNC Individuals Who Identify as Ace - Katherine Rachlin
Beyond the Label: Asexual Identity Among Individuals on the High‑Functioning Autism Spectrum - Scott T. Ronis et al.
Sexual, Romantic, and Community Experiences of Individuals at the Intersection of Autism and Asexuality - Randolph C. H. Chan
On researching asexuality
Understanding asexuality: A sociological review - Canton Winner
Methodological Issues for Studying Asexuality - Andrew C. Hinderliter
A Validated Measure of No Sexual Attraction: The Asexuality Identification Scale - Morag A. Yule et al.
What can Asexuality do for Queer Theories? - Anna Kurowicka
On asexuality and relationships/sex
Asexuality and relationship investment: visible differences in relationship investment for an invisible minority - Jared M. Edge
Asexual scripts: A grounded theory inquiry into the intrapsychic scripts asexuals use to negotiate romantic relationships - Haefner, Carol
The nuances of intimacy: Asexual perspectives and experiences with dating and relationships. - Brooke Higginbottom
Ace of (BDSM) clubs: Building asexual relationships through BDSM practice - Lorca Jolene Sloan
Sexual Fantasy and Masturbation Among Asexual Individuals: An In-Depth Exploration - Morag A. Yule et al.
Patterns of Genital and Subjective Sexual Arousal in Cisgender Asexual Men - Malvina N. Skorska et al.
Physiological and Subjective Sexual Arousal in Self-Identified Asexual Women - Lori A. Brotto et al.
Deepening Sexual Desire and Erotic Fantasies Research in the ACE Spectrum: Comparing the Experiences of Asexual, Demisexual, Gray‑Asexual, and Questioning People - Filippo Maria Nimb
Asexuality, Affect Aliens, and Digital Affect Cultures: Relationality with the Happy Objects of Sexual and Romantic Relationships - Charnell Peters
Other interesting ace related reads
Contradictions in the Representation of Asexuality: Fiction and Reality - Gwendolyn Osterwald
Asexuality and the Potential of Young Adult Literature for Disrupting Allonormativity - Patricia Kennon
A mystery wrapped in an enigma – asexuality: a virtual discussion - C. J. Bishop
‘You have to coin new things’: sexual and gender identity discourses in asexual, queer, and/or trans young people’s networked counterpublics - Zach Schudson
Asexuality, the Internet, and the Changing Lexicon of Sexuality - Jo Teut
“I am not a Robot, I am Asexual”: A Qualitative Critique of Allonormative Discourses of Ace and Aro Folks as Robots, Aliens, Monsters - Ben Brandley
Other lists of ace resources
Asexual theory 101 by @leikeliscomet. thank you to @plum-petunia for finding this <2
The Asexuality and Aromanticism Bibliography
If you know of any other free ressource about asexuality please consider adding to this list
Free (mostly academic) aro theory resources
Link is a non-binary trans man. I believe that so completely that I forget other people don't. Thinking Link is cisgender is insane. Like that's the most t boy I've ever seen someone tboy. That's a goblincore trans masc that collects bones and trinkets wtf.