The latest episode of Goblin Slayer made me realized something about myself (positive).
Apologizes in advance to anyone following me not interested in Goblin Slayer but I had to say some personal things about the latest episode that not only impressed me but made me reflect about myself. I found an incredibly relatable moment in this pulpy, trashy fantasy anime.
(Disclaimer: A lot of this comes from speculation and personal headcanons about the main character. I’m talking more about the impact it had in me and the ideas that sprouted from that. Also, I don’t have stills or pictures of the episode so please bare with my descriptions).
So quick summary of the latest episode. It’s the first time in the Anime that we see Goblin Slayer and his party get almost completely destroyed by a Goblin Hoard. Everything that could have go wrong, went wrong. You know how this game is supposed to be based and work as a love letter to D&D? Well it’s literally bad rolls for everyone. They can’t keep up with the Goblins, it’s absolute chaos and we see the Goblins Slayer take a massive fatal hit from a giant Goblin Champion. He falls, and he is temporarily knocked down, and here is where things get very interesting.
We get a shot from his perspective. From inside of his helmet. You know his helmet has those bars for visibility? They used them to transition into a shot from the past. Back from when Goblin Slayer was a child, hiding under the floor of his old house, and where his family god murdered by goblins. He was lying there, covering his head and ears. Helpless. And the screams of his party members brought back those terrible memories. And we hear the mocking dialogue of another character, who is Goblin Slayer’s mentor. Mocking his impotence and incompetence. Of just lying there, watching everyone get killed. Not doing anything. And after that, something spans inside of him. Visually, we get the shot of dice being thrown (again with the rpg motive) and as if he got a natural 20, he got up, drank some potion and started to rampage against the goblins with what little strength he had, with a broken body. He climbed over the champion and strangled him, punching his eye and and scarring the rest of the horde as the champion ran away wounded. All good now.
But I want to go back to that brief flashback... And here is where I start to speak some personal interpretations and why this scene impacted me. I like to believed (even if it’s not confirmed) that Goblin Slayer... Is not a normal person. Meaning that, he may be in the autism spectrum. I’m not reaching that much since his odd behavior feeds this idea, and I’m not alone in this (I hope). And I took that idea into his past. And I started to imagine... So hear me out.
Imagine a young Goblin Slayer growing up in a farm. He is not normal. He has problems when dealing with people, or when doing any type of hard work. He isn’t good at anything in the farm, but he has a loving family that takes good care of him despite not being able to contribute due to his condition. He gets pretty bad when dealing with violence, and can’t even hold arms. And now, his village is attacked. Goblins start to murder everyone and getting inside of the houses. And we know he was hiding from the massacre. But why only him? Why was he the only one hiding while his family was out there? And here’s my personal take...
His family tell him to hide, because they love him but they know he won’t be able to fight back, knowing him well. They have more of a chance to defend themselves with the tools they have against the goblins. And so he hides under the house. And the horror happens. He witnesses the murdering of his family, scared, alone, anxious and not knowing what to do. Absolutely stressed. Completely traumatic.
After this, we only get hints of what his life was before turning into a professional goblin hunter. In the manga (and surely in the light novels) we know he was trained by a mysterious character in the ways of dealing with the little monsters. So I started to imagine again... He wasn’t good. He was in fact terrible at it. He was weak, clumsy and slow, most likely. And his trainer mocked him for it. Reminding him of that moment where he couldn’t do anything. And that memory grew stronger and stronger. And he kept enduring the training. Getting better with excruciating practice. Fail after fail. Rising up after rising up. Trying and trying. Until becoming the killing machine he is now.
And so, why do I bring all of this out? Because, as someone in the autism spectrum, I relate to one feeling. I’ve used so many times my condition to scape from any type of stressful situation. Wrongly, I know. I’ve been working on this through therapy and being more self sufficient. But you don’t know how many times I’ve literally panicked over anything outside of my control. At first it was on actual difficult issues, but the more I did it, the more it became a toxic habit. And soon, I was just a burden for everyone. Where the moment a problem appeared, I didn’t wanted to provided any form of help because I was so convinced that I wasn’t capable of it. Not even trying. And I imagined myself in Goblin Slayer situation. I absolutely did. Avoiding any type of work in the farm because it was so stressful and I was so convinced in not taking any type of initiative. But when real problems appeared, and my family was so convinced by my behavior that I couldn’t be able to help, I would hide and just watch the horrors unfold. All because of my excuses. And that’s why this episode affected me positively. Because it reminded me of what endurance and hard work can lead you to. Of course, an exaggerated fantasy scenario, but this man became an expert Goblin Hunter not just for his hatred of the little fiends. But because he won’t let that traumatic scenario to play out again. He won’t be useless anymore.
And that’s that. No offense to anyone that are in the spectrum. I just stated my very specific and wrong situations and why it mattered to me.