God happened.
“I regret every wrong decision I made in the past, if I could, I would like to turn back the time to correct every worst things I did and make my life less sinful.”
“I hate the way I felt when I was younger, my insecurities swallowed me whole and the baseless loneliness due to self-pity made me think of the unspeakable thought that will surely make my family heart broken.”
“I was in a darkest place for a long time, I could see a glimpse of light but never focused on it, I thought I will never escape such place as I was too immersed on my emotions that I feel like I am drowning, I could not breathe, I could not feel the beauty of everyone surrounding me as I only know the emptiness of my heart.”
Getting out of the most horrible point in my life is the hardest thing, which I cannot even imagine I would be able to escape from it. I may look different with the people I am with, I smile, I laugh and it was a genuine feeling at the moment I am with them, when I am alone in my room thoughts keep running in my head, the emptiness I am feeling, the sorrow that I don’t even know where it came from, the anxiety that builds up over the time of my imperfection. I write stuff to vent out the feelings I cannot even explain to begin with. I know deep down me there are struggles that I am trying to win over but over the time I cannot even remember the reasons why I am feeling that way, only the emotions were left with unexplainable cause.
Over the years of feeling that way I get tired, I wanted to end the miserable pain, every time I think of it I get scared, I don’t want my family to get hurt, my friends to keep wondering why I did that decision and in the end I could not do it, I always ask God why do I feel abandoned, lost and in severe pain.
The death of my father in 2020 and the pandemic made it worst, I felt the world crushing, I don’t know what to do or feel, I don’t have the energy to continue but I am trying so hard to live because I am with my family that is also grieving.
One coffee date with my friend changed everything, we talked about God, we talked about our lives when we only knew God but never felt the deeper understanding of being in a real relationship with Him. It may sound exaggerated to some, but it did help, we started talking with sense, less gossip and more on self-reflection, that all we need in life is to trust God and everything else will follow, I cannot explain exactly by words on how I was freed from the darkness by living with the Lord’s presence, all I know is that everything happens for a reason, that I may not know now the Why’s and the How’s but I know it will make sense, that God will never leave me hanging, that He will show me the way.
It took me 3 years to finally decide to join another religion, I was born and raised Catholic and I am still planning to stay the same, I learned to love how the Victory Koronadal preach the gospel, I can learn more, I have the community that helped me reach my purpose, I sleep well at night compared to when I used to take anti histamine medicine just to be able to sleep well, I usually sleep at around 4 to 5:30 am and wake up at around 6 to 6:30 in the morning because of work, I never felt at peace in my life and it is not because of the promotion I got from work, not because I am living with my family after so many years of being away nor being with new friends but because God happened.
He came at the right moment when I feel like giving up, He came and told me that I still have the purpose to serve, that I am loved and that I am worthy of saving, I am not abandoned, I may be lost but He never left my side I just didn’t bother to look for Him, I took the wrong direction and that I may still be in pain but He will heal me and relieve all the heartaches and sufferings, I am still trying to figure out all the Why’s and How’s but I know it will be easier now as He is there to answer all the confusions and He will lead me to the path I was supposed to take years ago, it may be a long journey but I know this time I am not alone, I am confident that I can fight the battles, I can face all the emotions with a grateful heart.