Identity

My thoughts, emotions written in my social diary. All private posts, no identity just anonimosity. No followers. No bashers. Just my body an soul combined in this world full of deceit, hate and insecurities

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I am in love with the man in my fantasy. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish he was my reality.

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-understandingmysoul (ig account)

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God happened.

“I regret every wrong decision I made in the past, if I could, I would like to turn back the time to correct every worst things I did and make my life less sinful.”

“I hate the way I felt when I was younger, my insecurities swallowed me whole and the baseless loneliness due to self-pity made me think of the unspeakable thought that will surely make my family heart broken.”

“I was in a darkest place for a long time, I could see a glimpse of light but never focused on it, I thought I will never escape such place as I was too immersed on my emotions that I feel like I am drowning, I could not breathe, I could not feel the beauty of everyone surrounding me as I only know the emptiness of my heart.”

Getting out of the most horrible point in my life is the hardest thing, which I cannot even imagine I would be able to escape from it. I may look different with the people I am with, I smile, I laugh and it was a genuine feeling at the moment I am with them, when I am alone in my room thoughts keep running in my head, the emptiness I am feeling, the sorrow that I don’t even know where it came from, the anxiety that builds up over the time of my imperfection. I write stuff to vent out the feelings I cannot even explain to begin with. I know deep down me there are struggles that I am trying to win over but over the time I cannot even remember the reasons why I am feeling that way, only the emotions were left with unexplainable cause.

Over the years of feeling that way I get tired, I wanted to end the miserable pain, every time I think of it I get scared, I don’t want my family to get hurt, my friends to keep wondering why I did that decision and in the end I could not do it, I always ask God why do I feel abandoned, lost and in severe pain.

The death of my father in 2020 and the pandemic made it worst, I felt the world crushing, I don’t know what to do or feel, I don’t have the energy to continue but I am trying so hard to live because I am with my family that is also grieving.

One coffee date with my friend changed everything, we talked about God, we talked about our lives when we only knew God but never felt the deeper understanding of being in a real relationship with Him. It may sound exaggerated to some, but it did help, we started talking with sense, less gossip and more on self-reflection,  that all we need in life is to trust God and everything else will follow, I cannot explain exactly by words on how I was freed from the darkness by living with the Lord’s presence, all I know is that everything happens for a reason, that I may not know now the Why’s and the How’s but I know it will make sense, that God will never leave me hanging, that He will show me the way.

It took me 3 years to finally decide to join another religion, I was born and raised Catholic and I am still planning to stay the same, I learned to love how the Victory Koronadal preach the gospel, I can learn more, I have the community that helped me reach my purpose, I sleep well at night compared to when I used to take anti histamine medicine just to be able to sleep well, I usually sleep at around 4 to 5:30 am  and wake up at around 6 to 6:30 in the morning because of work, I never felt at peace in my life and it is not because of the promotion I got from work, not because I am living with my family after so many years of being away nor being with new friends but because God happened.

He came at the right moment when I feel like giving up, He came and told me that I still have the purpose to serve, that I am loved and that I am worthy of saving, I am not abandoned, I may be lost but He never left my side I just didn’t bother to look for Him, I took the wrong direction and that I may still be in pain but He will heal me and relieve all the heartaches and sufferings, I am still trying to figure out all the Why’s and How’s but I know it will be easier now as He is there to answer all the confusions and He will lead me to the path I was supposed to take years ago, it may be a long journey but I know this time I am not alone, I am confident that I can fight the battles, I can face all the emotions with a grateful heart.

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SB19 fan confession

                People who knows me very well will wonder why I stan this All Pinoy member group when I am a die hard Kpop stan for more than 14 years now. Well, I am still a Kpop fan but when I discovered this group in October 2020, I was so mesmerized and shocked that a Filipino boy group can be this good, I first heard their live performance of “Hanggang sa Huli” in Youtube and I started checking other songs, their vocals are stable and they are well synchronized when it comes to dancing which is very refreshing to see in a local scene.

                Aside from their Music videos, I got addicted to their Vlogs and other contents in their official Youtube channel, I saw their personalities and that’s when I decided to be an official member of their fan club. Literally from November up to December, all I stream on Spotify is their songs, and all SB19 related contents is all I searched on Youtube. And the fact that I reinstalled my Twitter just to be updated with them. Unfortunately, until now I am not successful with purchasing any official merchandise at Lazada but I am still trying up to this moment.

               At one point, I am regretting the fact that I did not stan them when I first saw an article of them when their song Go Up got viral in 2019 because I was too busy with Kpop groups. If I can just turn back the time when they went to Davao when they had the Pepsi performance, because surely, I will be one of those screaming and enjoying their performance like a teenager.

             Their perseverance and over all attitude and talent made me stan harder. I am so happy with all the achievements they have, I feel like an older sister who is supporting her little brothers in achieving their dreams.

             I thought I will lost it, I was mentally unstable due to the fact that my father died on March 10, 2020, days before the ECQ was announced. And months have passed and I felt like I am just living for the sake of living but when I discovered these boys, I realized a lot of things and their optimism can make people like me be inspired to do what needs to be done and what I enjoyed doing. They made me forget all the pain I’m feeling, their passion drives me to do my best in life.

          I just wrote this just to tell everyone my journey on how I became an A’tin.

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A post shared by mindandsoul (@understandingmysoul) on Nov 6, 2020 at 9:59pm PST

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A post shared by mindandsoul (@understandingmysoul) on Nov 6, 2020 at 9:42pm PST

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A post shared by mindandsoul (@understandingmysoul) on Nov 6, 2020 at 9:40pm PST

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Do me a favor, live your life with no regrets.

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Never assume on the reason why a certain person is somehow different, if she seems to be out of her personality you should ask what’s wrong and not assume that its because of a mobile game... because you have no idea how much that person is trying to cope up with a lot of things. Someone might be suffering from depression that you don’t know. Never treat someone differently because that person will definitely notice it. You just don’t know that person at all. People change. You might think that she never complains when you all discriminate her by treating her differently than the rest of your favorites. I am not just referring to one person when I say this. I mean it to everyone that made her feel so small ever since she started to remember. She tried to do things to please all of you that now that she is experiencing a mental breakdown she doesn’t know how to handle disappointment and that is making her weak. She was never given a chance to make mistakes because everyone before her already did and she doesnt want to be another burden. She was fighting her own demons and no one has any idea what she is capable of because no one really paid attention to her and after everything that may happen she will be described as pathetic, psychotic and selfish drama queen. No one will remember her sufferings, only the lies and all of the worst she did will be instilled to each and everyone’s mind.

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I am not a good person.

The personality I am showing to people is way far different from what I really am.

I am a great pretender.

I lie.

I deceive people

I wanted to escape but things are getting out of my hands.

Its far more serious now and I can’t fix it

Like what Alex said in Thirteen Reasons Why “Nobody’s clean”.

People are used to me saying yes all the time

They taught I am an ideal daughter / friend with only few flaws.

But time passes my insecurities are eating me.

It made me do things that should not be done.

I feel like I am sick. I have this paranoia that people are talking behind my back so I need to please them, if people are taking advantage of me, I should take revenge.

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Open letter to my beloved father

You were in pain for months and I know you have no choice but to get tired. For years you never let anyone see ur weakness but at that time when I saw you struggling, how your illness starts to conquer your body, how you cried for help, how you become hot-tempered, I should have been there for you. I tried to escape as much as possible, I don’t want to see the man that I love the most weakened, losing his battle when I know, growing up, You are the strongest person in the world. I was praying that you will overcome everything and things will get back to normal. But it wasn’t the case, tried to talk to you in a tough manner hoping that you will get back to your senses and get stronger but days passed, life got me and forgot for a second knowing that You will still be there waiting when I come back..but one phone call that I was unable to answer, a text message saying you were brought to the hospital. My world crushed, don’t know what to do, I don’t care if people at work were staring at me crying, I don’t know what to do, I was told to go home but instead I tried to finish my deadlines telling myself you will be okay that I can go home by the weekend that it was just another hospitalization and you will be okay.. It was 9am of March 10, 2020 when I first heard you were brought to the hospital. I was in denial and I thought you will be okay, after an hour I was told you survived a three arrest and that was the time I heard my brother’s voice and it was the time that I realized how serious it was, I was scared that I will lose you, I was crying in the car while trying to go home to pack my stuff and go to where you are. Around 11:36 I received a text message saying you were gone. I called right away for me to say goodbye to you. Hoping you will hear my voice and bring you back to life. But you were gone. It was the most devastating two hours of my life. It is a 5 hour drive for me to go to where you were and it was the longest trip that I had in my 28 years of existence. Until now my life was stuck to the last day we had a talk which, I will forever be living my life on regret and will stay on February 19, 2020 forever. I will always love you Paps and wherever life brings me I will make sure to always protect Mama. I don’t know when I will be able to move on but for now please allow me to cry for you, to stop my time for you until the day I accept that I will no longer prick your blackheads, I will no longer eat your cooked meals, you will never pick me up on the bus terminal when I got home, you will never criticized or compliment my cooked foods, I will never hear your cough or hear your not so funny jokes, I will never hear you say that I am sarcastic, I will not be able to kiss you or color your hair and turn you into KPop. Always and forever, Your baby

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I hate the fact that there are some days that I stare blankly and my mind goes to something stupid and imagine how a close person dies suddenly.

I know its ironic how we say that we cannot imagine that someone so dear dies so sudden and we can't breathe.

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6-18-18

I read a post online that said change is constant.

I was scared, I know it's true but I am reluctant.

I am sentimental, moving forward is what I need to do but I just can't.

It's raining outside and I am lonely but I need to face the world upfront.

They say depression is a battle that I need to overcome.

No one really understand and it is a joke for some.

The society needs to know that it is overwhelming, we don't know where it came from.

It hits you unexpectedly and it doesn't make you calm.

I don't know if it makes sense.

Because I have alot of friends.

I know they will be there to give a helping hand.

But when I'm alone I realize that I just can't stand.

Emptiness, fear, anxious, pity is what I feel.

I know that it is real.

These are the emotions that I need to deal.

Tomorrow's responsibilities that I don't want to face and I don't have the will.

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A story of a Nurse

I am a Nurse in profession. I passed the board exam 8 years ago and I haven't worn my uniform since then.

I am a Nurse in profession. I am working in a private company as an HR assistant because I need to earn for a living.

I am a Nurse in profession. I am a Filipino and Philippines doesn't care for Us. My fellow Nurses who are practicing their career are mistreated and degraded. They are slaves by our own men.

I am a Nurse in profession. Instead of serving the country, My fellow Nurses are considering to work abroad for a better future. They are much appreciated outside the country. And even if They aren't, at least They have better offers.

I am a Nurse in profession. People think that We only care for money. Money will never be an issue for Us, But 16 hours shift or more does. My fellow Nurses are underpaid and even if they are totally drained, They will make sure of their patients' comfort before theirs.

I am a Nurse in profession. Even if I never practiced Nursing, I still have the habit to give advice to someone who is less knowledgable to medical stuff. I still have the talent to take care of the people around me.

Nurses, are undervalued. We understand if the guardian or the patient is overly sensitive and rant on us, but we have feelings too. We work so hard, sacrificed alot. We could not take care of our own family and our own health because We are busy taking care of yours. A simple thank you will be enough.

People who will read this might say that I don't have the right to say all these because I am not actually working as One. However all the articles I've read related to this topic is heartbreaking. We have seven Nurses in the family. My 2 aunts is in the States working their butts off as a Nurse. My eldest sister is a single Mom and took a different job because she needs to earn for her children. She is one of the best Nurse educator for me, she has part time jobs as PDN and I know she has a talent of taking care of people. My brother who is working as a Nurse and also got another job just to sustain a living, he barely rests. My other sister is in UK and is working as a Nurse. It hurts because recently she had a stroke, she was away from the family and we are so worried about her. She had her own struggles and we cannot even see her since she's away. Good thing government hospitals and her fellow OFWs helped her. My cousing J is headed to Germany before the year ends to work as a Nurse. I empathize with Nurses even if I am not working on the same field as Them. I am hoping for people to hear me out, to hear Us out because once a Nurse will always be a Nurse. I am a Nurse in profession.

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I am the writer of my own journey.

I am the main lead of my own documentary.

I am the villain of other people's story.

I created my own misery.