#godhatesdivorce

[reesefquinto-blog]

HK 2017

[thefixersng-blog]

God hates divorce. #divorceisnotanoption#Godhatesdivorce#fixyourmarriage#fixyourmarriageissues#conflictresolution#isallaboutfixing#wearethefixers. @peebriggs @estherbriggs_estydion228 @thefixersng (at Lagos, Nigeria) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpSKToAH-rd/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6hknkqi4i7ko

[jgodslove7]

Malachi 2:16 (KJV) For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. #verseoftheday #bibleverse #godhatesdivorce #malachi2

[dianareagon]

My dad told me I have to allow myself to be mad and I have to talk about my feelings... not just the hopeful ones, but the sad, discouraged, even angry ones.   You see, my husband left.  I don’t really know why as all the “answers” have been vague, but now I am left with a 3 year old, twin 4 month olds, his dog, and no income as we agreed before we had kids that I would be a stay-at-home mom.  I’m not even angry...  I’m just confused and hurt.  I feel betrayed and abandoned. When we were dating, it was rough with extreme highs and lows.  We went out drinking a lot, spent all our time together, fought a lot, loved a lot, and avoided anything that we didn’t really want to do.  Then we got married, had a baby, and the fighting got worse.  It was frustrating having to go from doing whatever we wanted to taking care of this child that we hadn’t planned on having (I didn’t want kids) and I didn’t have a job/social outlet anymore.  However, when she was born, I wanted everything perfect for her and I wanted to tackle life head-on and straighten out the mess we had created in our selfishness. So I started nagging, trying to control everyone’s every move, and began getting angry; he started avoiding and being aggressive more passively though sometimes it would explode into a yelling match.  I was a pain in the rear end, so he got a girlfriend that he “loved” and who seemed a lot better, and decided he wanted to leave the marriage.  We worked through that with a lot of patience, forgiveness, prayer, and counseling.  I ended up going to a lot of individual counseling to figure out how to address my tendency/need to control and get angry and ended up apologizing a lot to my husband.  He ended up getting baptized by my Dad after apologizing to God and my family about his betrayal and recommitting to our marriage and to communicate openly with me before things got bad.  We dedicated our sweet baby girl back to God promising to raise her in a way that exemplified Christ, were serving at our church, and joined a Bible study for fellowship and accountability.  He said he couldn’t even figure out his mindset during that time and it would never happen again; he was so sorry and ashamed.  We were on a good path.  And then we decided we wanted another baby.  

So we prayed and tried month after month.  1.5 years later, we found out we were pregnant with twins!  It was a complicated pregnancy with 2-3 doctor appointments every week and maybe 5 of which my husband went to.  I remember crying to him how I felt like he wasn’t participating in this pregnancy the way he did with our other one and how it made me feel neglected.  Nothing horrible seemed to be happening in general with our relationship, though.  I was tired a lot of the time, a bit stressed at the idea of twins and the complications accompanying, and anxious about their arrival and how I was going to balance the imminent hospital bedrest with a toddler.  But nothing horrible.... a bit of nagging about being involved with the pregnancy, how are we going to pay for everything, and wanting him to love on me in my “love language” since I was feeling neglected.  But that was it.  I even have letters from him just before the babies were born about how much he loved me, our marriage, and was so happy to be best friends for life, how we’d grow old together and continue to make every effort to be great parents and spouses.

Then the babies were born.  The little one first, followed by her bigger, but younger sister who was born breech and not breathing.  It was scary, but they both ended up being fine.  They spent 6 weeks in the NICU during which we both commented how nice it was to that we couldn’t remember the last time we bickered or fought.  It was a rough time, but a solid time that we leaned hard on each other.  We then brought them home and I proceeded to pump 8-12 times per day for 25-45 mintues, feed them, change them, play with them, do laundry, cook meals, grocery shop, clean, etc and take care of our toddler.  He went back to work the Monday after we brought them home (Thursday) and continued training for his Spartan race (a Christmas gift that he said was the best he’d ever received).  We bickered about bills not being paid (his chosen responsibility) and I nagged when he failed to take the trash out when it was overflowing and let the sink pile up onto the counter with dirty dishes..... his designated chores around the house that he said he was okay with completing on a daily basis even after I asked if he wanted me to take over.  I was generally okay, but I did find myself getting frustrated more often and feeling sleep-deprived and itching to get out of the house.  He seemed to get more aggressive and just generally angry about things quickly and especially if I was irritated at all.  Though, if I asked him if he was okay or felt like he had been heard after an argument, he usually responded with “yes” or he had to think about it but would talk to me about it later.  I don’t think he ever came back and brought anything up, though.

So, you can imagine my surprise when, after I was stressed out about having the girls ready, pumping, and having the place clean in time for company, he got super angry with me.  We hadn’t been in a horrible spot in our marriage and had a great weekend previously, but instead of looking at me with compassion in my state of need, he got angry and aggressive and began spewing at me.  He yelled and became irate in front of the kids and I stepped between him and the girls when he angrily started undressing one of the babies.  I was angry and told him I could do it and to just leave because I couldn’t do this right now.  He began yelling at me to “shut-up” (a phrase I told him prior to our marriage that was off limits and a trigger for me) and stomping about.  I’d had enough.  We had agreed that I could tell him I needed a break and he would respect that as it was a tool I had been assigned in counseling, but recently he had begun telling me I use that as an excuse (in reality, I have a very short fuse and know my limitations, so I try and take a break before I get too upset and say things I regret).  This was no exception.  So, I picked up the closest thing to me.  A plastic cup.  And I threw it at him.  I’m aware how bad that is, but I was so upset at him yelling and purposefully provoking me after I said I needed a break.  I was especially angry that he told me to shut-up and then, because I started hollering at him, too, told me I was a bad mom.  I was livid with that remark.  He finally left and came back just in time to apologize to our oldest before our company came over.  I was still hurt and angry, but I knew throwing the cup and yelling was wrong, so I apologized to both him and her, too. A couple days later, there was still a lot of tension in the house and I received a bill from our electricity company saying the power would be shut off.  I then opened another envelope saying another medical bill went to collections.  It set me off and I seethed as I demanded he explain these to me.  He refused to explain and just said they were untrue, ripped up the notice, and threw it away.  Bull.  So I fetched it from the trash, called the company as he is becoming irate since I “don’t trust him” and “question everything.”  True.  I do.  He has a track record of lying, not paying bills, letting things go to collections, and not following through on things he says he will do.  I was questioning him.  Plus, this was the second disconnection notice we’d received in the past 6 months and the second collections notice I’d received in the last month alone!  He left for work angry that day.  I was angry.  I asked him if he needed some space as I was feeling like it wouldn’t be a bad thing for either one of us.  He said yes. I took the three kids and headed out for the weekend.  The weekend turned into a week, and then two weeks.  Two weeks of no communication, not having asked about the girls once.  I finally told him it was time that the separation be over because it had been too long.  He said he’d come get us and I explained I wanted to talk before I left (my parents’ house) since they could watch the little ones while we talked things out.  Unfortunately, that didn’t go well.  He initially ignored me and the two little ones and only spoke with Bunny.  I finally put all three of them down for a nap and told him I had to pump.  I came back from pumping and sat down to talk with him.  He didn’t want to talk.  Instead, he kept falling asleep during the “conversation.”  I got upset and started crying when I wasn’t understanding him and asked him to explain, but he refused and said he didn’t need to or couldn’t because he doesn’t sit and think of examples.  After collecting myself, I took the small bits of information he had given me (that he felt like I was angry and disrespectful and that things had been slipping) and chewed on them....  True, I have been very overwhelmed and irritable since the twins came home.  I could see how that looked like anger.  I wasn’t angry, but I could see why it seemed that way.  I would work on that. And though I didn’t understand how he was defining respect since he didn’t have examples of how I was disrespectful, I am aware that men need respect--even undeserved respect--and it is my job to find ways to be respectful.  Did I know I was being disrespectful?  No.  But, I would try and be very respectful of him and his feelings because his feelings are very valid even if I don’t understand where they are coming from.  My counselor later explained that even nagging or “ordering” when a million things have to get done with babies in the house can come across as treating him like a dog rather than my husband.  Okay.  That I could see.  I can work on that!  But here’s the thing:  It didn’t matter that I was willing to sit down, hear him out, and work on things with him now that they had been communicated.  He was going to leave in a week anyway. After a week of sleeping on the floor, avoiding being around the house, saying he wanted to go to Body Pump (me getting a babysitter) and sleeping through it, paying close attention to Bunny and giving me a cold shoulder...... He left.  Yep.  I came home from the grocery store, started pumping, and he peeked around the corner.  He told Bunny he loved her very much, took off his wedding ring, and said he was done with the relationship. He walked out the door.  Half way through Bunny’s birthday week and without a second look.  In the two weeks since he walked out the front door, I haven’t seen him.  Neither have the kids.  He hasn’t called, FaceTimed, or visited.  He texted once that he missed Bunny, but that has been it.  I even tried to call him when she fell and got a mild concussion......he ignored my call and only responded via text when he saw the post on Facebook. Every day I’ve texted him to let him know he is welcome home and that I love him.  Every day I make sure to treat him with respect and love just like I promised.  No, he doesn’t “deserve” an ounce of respect, but I’m doing it.  I promised my God that I would love and respect my husband in good times and bad.  He says we have an unhealthy relationship.  Though he means it in a totally different manner, I have to agree in a way because he never communicated his feeling until it was “too late” and then left when I hadn’t even had a chance to work on my side of things.  It is unhealthy because it doesn’t involved 100% commitment and patience.  It doesn’t have a father and husband who puts his family first or one who was able to look past the initial feelings and consider all the other factors going on (babies are stressful and add NICU time and bills on top of that).  From what I’ve heard through the grapevine, he is simply “tired of being unhappy.”  Well.......I have no idea how long he’s felt that way since I have letters from him telling me otherwise dated in April, but let me tell you!  We’ve had fantastic days with lots of laughter, love, and making out.  We’ve also had rough days and a huge learning curve going from a selfish couple to parents and spouses with a developing love for God.  And I worked hard after the first time he decided to check-out to really work on my side of things and to practice patience and forgiveness.  I came into this marriage believing for better or for worse and knowing without a doubt that there was no option out.  I believed him when he said the same things.  I put my trust and my life in his hands because he said I could.   Now, I’m sitting here typing about my husband who promised me he’d never leave or give up on this marriage no matter how hard it was or the work it took to make it a successful relationship.  And now?  He simply isn’t invested in our relationship anymore?  Let me tell you, folks.  That is NOT commitment.  That is NOT unconditional love.  That is NOT putting your wife or family before yourself.  Not when you’re more concerned with your own happiness (a fleeting feeling that, if you need to find it in others and outside situations, will always be impossible to catch and keep).  I’ve been betrayed by the man who said he wouldn’t betray me.  I’ve been let down by the man who said he’d always be there to grow old with me and to help me become the best version of myself.  I’ve been abandoned by the man who promised to raise these kids and be the earthly example of Christ to them.  I’ve been fooled by the person who told me he was committed no matter what and couldn’t even understand why he would give up or how he got to that point.  I’ve been given up on by the man who promised me he wouldn’t do so......the same man who refuses counseling or to communicate, muchless fix what is broken.  I’ve been heartbroken by the father of my children.... as my sweet Bunny also is and my little girls will be one day.  How do I explain to them that our Heavenly Father will never abandon or leave them like their earthly father did?  How will I explain to them that giving up isn’t what God has planned for us?  Even something as simple as giving up a sport because they don’t feel like it will most likely be validated because their father gave up when things started looking like it was hard.  If he gave up, why can’t they?   And why am I not mad?  Why am I so sad, but not angry?  I love this man.  I love being married.  I even love it on the days I look at him and hope he doesn’t touch me because I’m so irritated.  I chose to love him forever.  I chose to commit my life to this marriage.  I VOWED to my God that I would love, honor, and respect this man..... I fail on a daily basis, but I have never given up trying.  I continue trying and will.  I am committed to my marriage and to my husband despite his actions.  My God’s way is the best way and His way says divorce isn’t an option (save the exception of continual fornication outside of marriage that Jesus Himself talks about in Matthew).  I’m absolutely heartbroken.... for my own sake and for that of my little girls.  I don’t know why God gave me two new ones if He knew their dad was just going to walk away, but I trust Him.  I trust that He knows best and will use this situation for His good plan.  I remind myself daily that God works miracles.  He softens my heart on a daily basis and won’t let it grow hard towards my husband because I beg Him not to in prayer.  I also pray for my husband continually throughout the day..... that his heart softens towards me and towards God.  That he quits putting up walls and making up excuses not to work on this marriage and to fulfill his vow to me and to God.  That our marriage is restored.   I don’t see restoration happening any time soon as T is angry and acting out of selfishness, right now.  I even wonder if he has depression (maybe even Paternal PostNatal Depression).  I think as more time passes, the harder it will be to keep my faith that restoration will happen and to display love and patience.  But I believe it is possible and that restoration is what God would want; after all, he HATES divorce with a passion.  If you’ve read off of this, please pray for me.  Please pray my heart stays open and that I remain willing to be corrected, patient, and kind.  That I remain loving and forgiving.  And that I fulfill the role of mother and father as best as I can while he is absent; that I steer our daughters towards God.  Please pray for my husband as he wanders away from God’s will.  Please pray his heart softens and that he returns to his faith and his marriage.... and his kids.  Prayer works.  I believe our marriage will be restored.