OH MY GOD SO IT’S MY FIRST DAY OF RETAIL SERVICE WORK AND I ALREADY HAVE A STORY TO TELL. IT’S MY FIRST GOD DAMN DAY BAGGING GROCERIES ON MY OWN AND THIS MAN COMES TO CHECK OUT WITH SUNGLASSES AND SOMETHING LIKE 30 2-LITERS OF MOUNTAIN DEW. I’M STANDING AT THE END OF THE CHECKOUT LINE WITH MY PLASTIC BAGS AND I LOOK OUT OVER THE SCANNER AISLE AND FOR A SECOND I FEEL MY FACE JUST FALL. NOT IN EXASPERATION, BUT TERROR; I FELT LIKE PANG JUAN STANDING ON CLIFFTOP, WATCHING THE COUNTLESS MASS OF THE HOSTILE QI ARMY ADVANCE ACROSS THE PLAINS.
AS I NEVER LEARNED THIS MAN'S NAME, FOR THE REMAINING PORTION OF THIS NARRATIVE I WILL BE REFERRING TO HIM AS "MR. DEW".
NOW NOTE THAT ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, HE KNOWS MINE. IN FACT, HE IMMEDIATELY WALKS UP TO ME PAST THE CASH REGISTER AND SAYS "HELLO, AMELIA." THIS IS NOT EXTREMELY STRANGE SINCE I WAS WEARING A NAMETAG, BUT HE WAS THE ONLY CUSTOMER WHO ADDRESSED ME BY NAME ALL DAY. SO IT STRUCK ME. IN FACT AT THE TIME IT WAS RATHER DISORIENTING. AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN OPEN MY MOUTH TO SAY "PAPER OR PLASTIC?", MR. DEW SAYS "PAPER, PLEASE."
I SAY ABSOLUTELY, SIR AND I START TO MAKE DOUBLE-BAGS WHILE JEREMIAH RINGS UP THE DEW. I HAVE TO BE EFFICIENT— SPEED IS CRUCIAL HERE. THE HORDES ARE COMING, AND THEY'RE COMING FAST. I DON'T KNOW MANY PEOPLE WHO'VE HAD THIS MANY 2-LITERS OF MOUNTAIN DEW COMING TOWARDS THEM AT THIS SPEED. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CONVEY THIS EXPERIENCE TO PEOPLE WHO’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED IT. THE CONVEYOR BELT PUSHES THEM FORWARD RUTHLESSLY; THE BOTTLES ARE TOPPLING, PILING UP ON TOP OF EACH OTHER LIKE BODIES ON BODIES ON BODIES.
THIS WAS ALL THAT THIS MAN WAS BUYING.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT MR. DEW. I ALREADY MENTIONED THE SUNGLASSES, YES? HE WOULD SORT OF TAKE THEM OFF AND PROP THEM UP OVER HIS FOREHEAD AND THEN PUT THEM BACK ON. WHY, MR. DEW? WERE YOU TRYING TO OBSCURE YOUR IDENTITY? IS THAT WHY YOU IMMEDIATELY HONED IN ON MINE?
JUST A SKINNY SLIGHTLY SWEATY WHITE MALE IN A BEIGE JACKET THAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS A "HALF TRENCHCOAT". WHO KEEPS ADDRESSING ME BY NAME
SO ANYWAY BACK TO THE DEW ITSELF. I NOTICE THAT HE'S NOT JUST STOCKING UP ON ONE TYPE OF DEW SPECIFICALLY. BUT HE'S NOT GETTING DIFFERENT FLAVORS EITHER. AS I BAG, I REALIZE THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL IS PURCHASING BOTH DIET AND REGULAR MOUNTAIN DEW.
AND THAT'S IT. NO BAJA BLAST. NOTHING.
NOW YOU SEE WHY THIS CONFOUNDS ME— THE FACT THAT HE WAS GETTING BOTH DIET AND REGULAR IMPLIED THAT THIS MASSIVE QUANTITY OF MOUNTAIN DEW WAS NOT SOLELY FOR HIMSELF. PERHAPS A PARTY OF SOME TYPE! ALTHOUGH THE FACT THAT HE'S ONLY GETTING DEW IS BAFFLING, I AM SLIGHTLY RELIEVED BY THIS DISCOVERY! THIS MAKES A BIT MORE SENSE, I TELL MYSELF.
SO THE ORDEAL IS ALMOST OVER. I PUT SIX MOUNTAIN DEW TWO-LITERS IN ONE DOUBLE PAPER BAG. I CRY. (I DON'T ACTUALLY CRY) JEREMIAH HELPS ME. I LOAD THE BAGS ALL UP INTO MR DEW'S CART AND I DUST OFF MY HANDS THINKING THAT THE INITIAL SURREALISM OF THIS ENCOUNTER HAS BEEN RESOLVED. I ASK HIM IF HE NEEDS HELP GETTING TO HIS CAR, AND HE SAYS "NO, THANK YOU, AMELIA, I'M FINE." I SAY "ALL RIGHT, HAVE A NICE DAY" AND THEN
and then.
jokingly, I say, "Are you having a Mountain Dew convention?"
the corners of Mr. Dew's pale mouth quirk upwards, just the tiniest bit.
I obviously have no tangible way of proving that this is an event that happened in the real world— I wasn't recording the whole thing.
I’m certain that must be against company policy.
the closest I could possibly get is Jeremiah's testimony, as he witnessed this. but I am telling you the truth right now.
I will swear this to my grave.
Mr. Dew opens his mouth and he utters these six words:
