#godthoughs

[mcbex]

**Fullness **

I'm packing away the last of our Christmas gear. Which basically means I'm putting away the remains of a year gone by. I can't help but reflect on all last year brought me and all the hopes I have for the new year. With a new season I am making plans! I'm mapping out roads to run on, chair lift dates, plays I want to see and so on. It seems so full already and it's only January. But there are faces I need to see, conversations that must be had, dates and dreams and life. The fullness I feel isn't the overwhelmingly busy kind. It's the kind that's built on the breathe of life itself. It's the fullness we feel of a life well lived.

While looking for a verse to fit this theme I came to a quote by Voltaire- "God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."  I really like that because of its simple truth. Life is a gift. Sometimes I get frustrated that it took me so long to see that. Then I feel a little distressed for those that have yet to understand the gift. As long as we have life there is still time. So I won't get down hearted about it. I will pray.

As I continue packing I'm not only looking back at 2023, I'm considering the person I've been and the person I'm becoming. I am a work in progress. In fact I'm a mess at times. So much so that I wonder how anyone could love me.

I recognize the brokenness of people and of the world we live in. I acknowledge that I too feel splintered. Until recently I had merely been treading water, not recognizing that I had been the villain in my own story. Now as I submit to the hurt broken parts of me I allow them to be part of who I am but I no longer accept them as a representation of who I have to be. In fact the more I embrace her sheared and tattered frame the more I embrace the life that is mine to live. I am now able to listen in and lean on others only to find them equally as fragile as I am. Although I feel like there are days when I am on a mission to improve the spirit of those around me, most often it just feels comforting knowing we all have struggles or pain. I never saw that before. I hate that I didn't see it because I know now that we all need the pieces of each other to make this beautiful heap work.

I see it in the way we talk to others and how we feel about others and how we expect others to know how to relate with us, then how we get frustrated when we don't get what we need. I am guilty of it. I want to give the love others want or need of me to but I can't always muster the way to do it. Even the smallest gestures can be so difficult sometimes. Changing your heart is hard. It's also frustrating when I bank everything God wants from me on the change he's making in me then fail to achieve the goal.

I wrap each ornament, eventually carrying them to my attic where I will put them aside, and in time I will pull them back down and reminisce again as I decorate my tree with trinkets and bobbles. The loop is finite but for now it feels endless. Much like my struggle to try be the person my heart so badly wants to be. I yearn to love. I ache to know others better. I pray for the skill to be stronger for anyone who needs to lean on me too. Most of all I hope this year will find me more open, fragile, caring and familiar the process of a changing heart.

The Bible says draw near to God and he will change you. Let us all be changed for those we love.

Ephesians 3: 14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

James 4: 7-10So then, submit yourselves to God. Resist the Devil, and he will run away from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners! Purify your hearts, you hypocrites! Be sorrowful, cry, and weep; change your laughter into crying, your joy into gloom! Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Psalm 51:10 Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.

[mcbex]

**Choose Love First**

Sunday morning snuggles with my kids are the best! While curling up together I see my daughter has her favorite snuggle buddy "White-out" tucked neatly under her arm. I take him say, hello and I give him a nuzzle too. He is a stuffed white Bengal tiger she got in Florida a few years ago. At the time it seemed like an impulse buy. I remember my kids fighting because my son was upset she was "copying" him. I remember so clearly thinking it was too expensive and that she would probably loose it in a month. I remember my husband telling me not to. He was in a hurry and the line was long. Finally I also remember thinking who cares about the money and I bought it anyway. It's been 4 years since that day. The wear and tear on this toy is apparent now. The love she's given him has worn away his newness. The fur is matted, the eyes are scuffed. He's been through the wash multiple times. Each time coming out less like the toy we bought. Although still recognizable, in place of the plush-like fuzz that felt so good to touch is a tired hackneyed stuffy. Only a shell of what we purchased that warm sunny day.

I am met with how Jesus did a similar thing as White-out has done for my child. He poured himself into me all the while shedding some of himself for me. Of course he never wears out. My love in return only makes us both better. But this is exactly what he has done, it seems to be exactly what he's asking me to do. He poured himself entirely into each of us relentless pushing forward until every last drop was left hanging on the cross. Worn and tucked away in his tomb he never rested until he had finished it all. Am I able to give this kind of love? Can I pour everything I have selflessly into you or into those around me I may disagree with? Will I lay down my life if the time comes for those I love? I think about this more often than you'd expect.

When I was a child I used to think about Mary. How young she was , the big of a decision being a mother to Jesus, etc. Even then I wondered if I had that kind of love and faith it took to make the grade. What's more the Bible is filled with stories of love and faith persevering over evil. In each one of them I see the strength to do more than most people will ever really be asked. Regardless of that we have to be ready. We have to ask ourselves not just "What would Jesus do", but "What will I do"?

When I started writing this entry I wanted to say something about how my love can be similar to all that Jesus has done but draft after draft I start to push in on the realization that my love is not similar at all. I can't get there. His level of love will always precede anything I can do. Just as it should be. My love gets tired and weak. I forget myself. I forget the grace he's given me must be passed on to others. This is just a small list of the ways in which I fail to meet his expectations. No, our contrast has become starkly clear.

That said, I ask myself how do I move through this life aware of how much I falter? Aware of how much I withhold from those I love for selfish reasons. How do I become estranged to the side of myself that judges and jests. How do I become the loving soul Jesus wants me to be, the person God created me to be? It's a tall order to say the least.

With each squeeze my child gives that tiger, with each peaceful nights sleep she spends pressed against his fuzzy nape he gives her precious comfort that none of the other toys she has can give. I see those similarities in Jesus. The way he takes my hurt and pain. The way he takes my shame. I see kinship in the comfort he provides knowing that on my knees and in my best days of loving to the fullest he is rubbing some of himself on to me. He will never be stale only well worn. I want to love like that.

1John 3:16 We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.

1John4: 9-10 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

1Corinthians 13 1-3 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

[mcbex]

***Reflections on the path***

I see a crow on the fence where all the birds were earlier this year and I am reminded of all the summer runs that came along with the warm fresh air. I follow the bird physically with my head for a moment as I run down the road. Quickly the sun is in my eyes and I wince them closed to adjust to the light. Which makes me think back on how truly good the summer was even amidst every issue, the worrisome headlines, and government over reach, all is still ok...or at least as Ok as I can make it. We must power on. We must be courageous.

The summer has waned and winter is beginning its cold lusty grasp on nature and on some level our lives. Nonetheless I come to this place of peace. Not the peace of a cleaned house mind you. My kids have no idea how to clean up after themselves and either way that kind of peace is not lasting. It's the peace that comes from giving over my worries because we must be strong and unwavering in our trust of the path.

Glancing back I see all the pit falls on both sides of the road, I see the hurtles that abound in each direction. The suspense oozing from all that is happening can be felt so deeply that it feels as though another person has entered the room at times. Looking back I can see clearly that there is a path. That is more the point. The path... however, it is not some narrowly trodden ill lit back ally leading to doom, as the anxiety would have me believe. Nope. As the year begins to ebb and the frosts take hold I am reminded that the frost has no hold over me. We must be earnest and unceasing on the path.

You could say that the lack of problems doesn't constitute Gods hands on my life but I beg to differ. When you can see what you have gone through and the near misses or even the direct shots the caused some of us pain. How they've changed us and made us stronger, bolder and better in the long run, you can see for yourself what I am seeing. The road that has been laid out for each of us in these times on these terms. The path is alive and molded specifically for each of us. Those near misses were not dumb luck.

We are asked to be courageous, strong and unwavering. We are told to trust God and his plans for all that they are, knowing that God would not do us any harm without reason. We lastly we are reminded to pray unceasingly and earnestly for what we need as well as for Gods will. The road, the path, the journey it's all there. It's all right here.

Isaiah 30:20-21 The Lord will make you go through hard times, but he himself will be there to teach you, and you will not have to search for him any more. If you wander off the road to the right or the left, you will hear his voice behind you saying, “Here is the road. Follow it.”

Zephaniah 3 1-20-all of it...

Psalm 23 3-4 He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths, as he has promised. Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me. Your shepherd's rod and staff protect me.

[mcbex]

***Waiting on the timing***

Feeling at a loss. Not for any issues that have come directly across my path but, for the future and what it may hold. A future full of promises. I used to look ahead and focus in on all the positives that may come to pass. A real optimist I would look for the unique twists and turns that ultimately create our imprint on humanity. It's hard to look ahead lately without feeling some sort of calamity. Yet I find myself undeniably at peace with whatever happens next.

It is no coincidence this is happening in Autumn. The changing seasons alway remind me of an ever changing life. The trees heading to sleep, my garden being closed, the grass slows to a stop in its growth and everything becomes quiet. Fall, the earths pivotal mediation. By standing outside this process one would think the earth is dying. Flowers may feel, if it is their first turn around the sun, that this is the end. Unknowing that warmer days will once again be upon us. Are warmer days in fact upon us? I ask myself this as things go silent. On the cusp of winter where things will enter a sleep so deep that waking them too soon would kill the flourishing plant entirely. Timing seems to be everything doesn't it.

Timing, God's timing. So frustrating to wait on God. But a false start would lead to a race ending event before it's even begun. So scary to stand here, strong and ready. Focused and lined up at the starting gate waiting for the bang of the gun for the real race to begin. And it will begin. Are you ready. Are you focused? The energy created here at the starting gates can be maddening, it can be addicting and dismantling. Complete chaos as the buzz can consume our every waking moment. Stop. Take everything in.

The world is so beautiful. Life! This life is amazing. What ever your station, whoever you are we may be coming to fight we did not ask for, but you are created for just a time as this. A break in the tension will come. Whether it will be sooner rather than later I can not say. But until then... Be the winter, the quiet, be the person who is slow to anger, and gentle to speak. Let us be enduring in in our patience for Christ. He has not failed us up to now and he will not fail us when we need him most.

Romans 5:3-4 We boast of our troubles, because we know that trouble produces endurance, endurance brings God's approval, and his approval creates hope.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses. He set the time for birth and death, the time for planting and pulling up,

Romans 8:24-25 For it was by hope that we were saved; but if we see what we hope for, then it is not really hope. For who of us hopes for something we see? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

[mcbex]

Keeping Steady

Deep breaths, in in...out. My breathing is even as I round the corner letting my mind wander. Steady, I remind myself. Going too fast can make my heart race and pound so hard that I need to walk or maybe even stop. Walking is fine, I guess. It's frustrating to feel like my body is failing but at least it's still movement. The stopping though... that will wreck my day. I'll feel bad until I complete a real run. The real run that will remind me of my usefulness. The real workout that clears my head and keeps all the crappy things I think about and all the noise that rattles around my brain at bay. Steady.

I don't know about you but keeping my head in the game is hard. Bombarded by phone calls, work, everyday issues, kids with needs or a fight with your spouse. Distractions! I have no shortage of them. I get off course so often. I have to remind myself as long as your moving it's not over. Just keep steady. But the highs and lows, and oh the things that can bring me down. They never rest or take a break. In in... Out, just keep breathing, just keep moving.

Trying to do everything or moving too fast doesn't allow me to give my best to each thing I do. My heart starts to pound and I may have to stop. There's the paradox. How much is enough. Where is the point we let go and let God? At what point does a priority get taken off the list and put away. Settling for not now and maybe not ever.

The rules tend to vary and my heart and mind race while navigating through all my responsibilities. Sometimes it's more than I can bare but I just need to keep moving. As long as I walk it's still movement right?

Philippians 4:13 I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.