#gohnan

[theangrypokemaniac]

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XXX. Black Hole Son

Why does Goh live at the Lab when his gaff's just a bus ride away?

Granted, it's on the seventh floor of a flamin' tower block, but we can't have everything.

Dunno, mate. I'd have thought two cushy IT wages might've stretched to a house at least.

Gohma and Gohda run one of them new-fangled computing firms, where he's a systems engineer and she's the programmer.

Life and soul of the party, these two.

Not exactly a thriving business, eh? Where's all the other staff?

Swear down, yer come in and there's no bon homie between mates, no office gossip or muddled assignations in the stationary cupboard.

Nah, all yer get is the sound of arthritic fingers scurrying across the keyboard with nothing but a wall o' filo faxes and a pot plant for company.

This is why folk drink, man!

I thought the entire point of these computer things was allowing users to work from home.

Come on, yer self-employed here!

But no. This pair much preferred leaving their only child to go slowly blind staring at a screen in the dark.

Instead of rearing Goh or producing some more kids, these scumbags left him alone for a loveless machine to do all the parenting.

They'll even cancel holidays and dump him for months to fly round the world rather than use e-mail.

We've had video 'phones for twenty years!

Oh yeah, they're sorry, apparently, but not so much they'll do anything different.

And even when he does get a treat, it's after they've stayed up all night on the job.

AND they drag him back to where he suffered emotional trauma, simply as they fell asleep and missed all the fun of his tears.

AND they do it again!

See even when they are there, they're not.

What are yer wearing, woman?

Why is the waistband so high?

It's odd, because I take it we're supposed to blame them for why he turned out so weird.

Yet when present, Gohma and Gohda get neutral coverage, and the narrative suddenly backs down in making any moral judgement.

Even when standing him up on one day he's home, they're gifted a prize excuse in saving sick kiddies first.

And they just keep getting away with it!

Then we've got Gohnan, who's out the door as soon as he comes in, putting a feckin' karaoke session over her own grandson.

And who passes up a free holiday with her family for another pissed-up sing-along.

Well that's the bloody Boomer attitude staring right at yer!

Shrivelled old crone would rather hang round mummified old-timers whinging about Kids Today whilst they scoff Goh's dumplings than spend more than a minute in his company.

Oh! When will their wickedness cease?

What are yer doing, buying slippers in bulk?

Goh's got a strained relationship with Nana, to the point she has to inform him when a meal is his favourite.

So either:

• Goh can't remember since it's been so long since any of 'em cooked him dinner.

• He's never had it in his life, but Gohnan's going gaga.

Please note how much she resembles Old Man Ho-Oh from Ecruteak.

Methinks this is her brother, estranged husband, or indeed both.

'Cause they won't tell yer which side of the family she's from, because of the awful truth.

Gohma and Gohda might not be as identical as others, but if yer'd seen 'em as kids:

I think you know what I'm saying there.

[theangrypokemaniac]

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VI. Repetition

At least the first three episodes of every generation now spill out insufferable wank.

We're told what they told us last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.

It's stuff we absorbed to our bones, but no, the priority is always infants, as in minds more demanding of toys than content.

Perfect combination there.

Funny that when Pokémon was new and no one knew the rules, laws of battle were usually mentioned once.

Viewers had to remember, or if joining late, work it out via their own deductions

But children are now assumed to be thick, and discouraged from using their brains for fear they do themselves a mischief.

None of that independent thought, thank you.

Might be catching.

Nice to see Gio treating himself to a variety of blow-up dolls.

Ivysaur's Mysterious Tower gives us a bizarre catechism routine between the Boss and his Bitches, to tell us Team Rocket are thieves.

Yer don't say!

Attempting theft later wasn't enough of a hint.

Destination Coronation! divulged Badge mysticism, not that it's any use elsewhere.

Come on, man. Modern kids don't have access to that there 'internet' thing.

You mean where they might research these secret ways, or God forbid, watch them?

Yeah. Don't expect miracles, love.

Biscuits lifted weights, as if Vermilion Gym is, you know, a gym, and with Ash visiting for a normal fight, the building's actual function is immaterial.

But kiddies will be in the vicinity of things they don't fully understand!

So?

So? SO?! THEY WILL DIE!!!

Same barnet and peepers!

The similarity between Boomer Wang and Robo-Surge is most unsettling.

I surmise they are mother and daughter, Biscuits omitted from the incestuous liaison of Bongo's parents.

We've got Gonad and Gohnan, Gohma and Gohda, so this must be...Gaunt?

A plug in the skull proves Biscuits is a cyborg, and a retro model at that, sporting the old-school round pin system.

Craving an electricity source, she frequents the one place in town with reciprocal socket work, being a setting from the Nineties.

By extension cord, the entire Gonad clan also consist of rusty robotics, which accounts for the absence of humanity.

Betrayed, Bothered and Beleaguered! finally reveals how Mash Ketchup met Pikachu.

About time an' all!

Which was already covered in Enter Pikachu!, hence the name.

Kids today, eh? Don't just need very slow explanations, they need 'em twice.

Ash breaks his Pidgey Pokéball in his sleep, wakes up late, runs to Professor Oak's lab, but misses summer camp.

This is both a rehash of Pokémon: I Choose You! and canon balls of forcing rewrites on his backstory.

Ash breaks his Pidgey Pokéball in his sleep, wakes up late, runs to Professor Oak's lab, but misses picking a starter Pokémon.

I remember this, way back a few minutes ago.

Yeah, but THAT was plagiarism. THIS is the bastardised original, so that's alright then.

Ah well, on to new adventures:

Ash breaks his Pidgey Pokéball in his sleep, wakes up late, runs to Professor Oak's lab, but no one cares.

...

IT'S THE SAME THING THREE TIMES!!!

A boy who over slept once degenerated into a narcoleptic maniac unable to control his spasms of destruction.

Gutless, simpering imitation ripped out all dramatic impact of the occasion, leaving nothing but a hollowed-out, taxidermy reject.

How imaginative of Dame Ketchum to buy her son a larger but identical pair of jimjams and a single clock thrice.

And they let women vote.

[theangrypokemaniac]

Bloody hell, love. Step back a bit.

No one wants to see them crow's feet and smell the booze breeze.

A Snow Day for Searching! reveals Goh has family in Vermilion, yet he chooses to live at Cerise Lab, suggesting a distant relationship.

Indeed, upon arrival Gohnan presents him with a dinner, which she has to inform him is favourite, meaning it isn't.

Aged P. wears clothes too young for her, embarrassing the family by entering karaoke competitions.

No doubt she's the type to boast of 'growing old disgracefully' and spending her children's inheritance.

Oh-oh: Boomer.

Gohnan is also Judi Dench.

Dame Judith!

Fun Fact: when T.A.P. was very young, I opened a magazine to find a close-up of a spider's face, and it looked like Judi Dench.

Thereafter I have always found her sinister, as the above image proves why.

Now here's the coolest cats in town, what with her fleece and his V-necked, grey cardigan.

Gohma and Gohda are useless like most families in this show have always been, but nowadays we have to pretend otherwise.

Hooray! One pair of gloves between us! See the love and appreciation!

But I like that Quango gives them hints of the deep resentment curdling within his blackened soul.

These two are the sort of middle-class self-obsessives who think one hour a week of 'quality time' (i.e. endless fawning praise and gift-giving) makes up for the aching, endless silence of their absence.

Indigo was left alone to become isolated a weird because Gohma and Gohda decided their careers were more important.

In the good old days they just used to die or bugger off, but now that's too extreme.

Now we've got to put up with their lumpen presence, and pretend they aren't neglectful when they are.

Chloë's mater and pater are brother and sister, and Tango's dump him the moment work intervenes.

Oh but it was a hospital, man! Sick kiddies! Sick kiddies on the Ennay Chess!

Did you hear me? SICK KIDDIES!!!

Yeah, yeah, so Bongo has to feel guilty and accept it's right he always comes last.

But it must be a really thrilling job Gohda does.

You think so?

Is he one of the last survivors of the mighty Saiyan race, constantly called away to defend us from alien conquest, like Ash's dad?

No.

Is he a billionaire peer of the realm from a previous time period, always ready to serve the King and lead troops to battle, like James's dad?

No.

Is he an alcoholic, but nevertheless potent, guilt-ridden tramp, like Brock's dad?

No.

It's gotta be something to do with Pokémon. Is he a fireman or lifeboat volunteer, using Water types to save countless lives?

No.

Well don't keep me suspense. Spill the beans.

Gohda works in I.T.

And 'er an' all.

...

So it's come to that.

I.T. That was the best idea the writers could muster. Bloody brainless, arse-numbing, dweebish I.T.

I can see it now: big belly laughs a minute we'll be getting.

The hours must just fly by at their house.