#going mental.

[ry0iki-tenkai]

I feel weird today. No bad, not good. Just....like a flat line on a monitor, with only the tiniest hints of a heartbeat. Im calm, yet it feels like a bouncy ball is bouncing around uncontrollably inside of me. Like, i need to scream, but my throat doesn't work. So many want out, but they're not allowed yet. When will we feel safe? When will i feel safe enough to release the chains that have them bound? When will i finally be able to release my scream?

[vampstel]

before I answer my inbox. them.

[ry0iki-tenkai]

Sometimes the positivity feels fake, or forced, or like i never even had it in the first place when i get into my lows. It gets dangerous in my head, cause i know im doing well, and moving forward. But a little part of me is always like "yeah ok but what if you killed yourself? would any of this matter in the end?" And whats even scarier is that sometimes i dont have an answer. I dunno why or where this emptiness comes from, or where it goes in the moments between, or if it really is always there, just sitting in the back of our mind, waiting to play its tricks of telling us how we don't really matter, or how nobody would genuinely care if we just, disappeared or did die, because we're already so easily forgotten or overlooked.

I dunno, sometimes we feel hollow, like there's really nothing inside except rot and decay. That the things we find happy aren't really real, and never even existed in the first place.

And what's even more frustrating is that we know we're doing well, but it never just feels like well enough. Like i wont ever be better or truly happy, or loved, or cared for. And i know I'm supposed to do it myself, but what if i can't do it all? What if we want someone to hold our hand and still love the ick?

Fanciful ideals for someone so undeserving.

[ry0iki-tenkai]

I saw someone who reminded me of you today. But their bone structure wasn't quite right to be you tho. I complimented their hair just to hear them speak. To see if it really was you or not.

I couldn't tell. They looked cute tho. <3

[ry0iki-tenkai]

We feel so....numb today. Empty. Tired. Drained. At the same time we feel unplugged like we didn't get to charge last night. The thought of having to have to go back to work, and deal with people literally makes me want to throw up. I hate this. I never used to be like this. We used to be okay, but we just don't have enough spoons. Or sporks or whatever.

[ry0iki-tenkai]

Therapy thursday helped so much. I feel significantly lighter. <3

[digitalspool]

going absolutely mental over a ratio fic on ao3…. it’s isekai ratio and the writing is so good… gahhhhh….