Black and White
Set about a year after the FAYZ wall comes down.
“Astrid. Enough.” Edilio’s voice was firm but calm, and as usual it cut through any panic they were all feeling and instilled a strong sense that anything was fixable. Everything was fixable.
In the sudden silence, everyone turned to look at Sam. He was sitting on a wooden bench, head in his hands and his fingers clasped so tightly in his hair that they were stark white. Dekka was next to him, her hand resting on his knee, and that seemed to be all that was keeping him from a full-blown panic attack. Her jaw was clenched, the muscle standing out, clearly visible in her dark skin.
“Sam?” Astrid asked gently, not sure of how close she should be standing to Sam. This wasn’t a situation that she - or any of them – had ever expected. How Sam would react was completely unpredictable. How Sam had a right to react wasn’t something she wanted to think about, but then he’d never allowed himself the luxury of his rights.
Edilio shot a worried look at Astrid when Sam failed to reply. “Sam?” He repeated. They all jumped when a shuddering, raggedy gasp came from the blond man. Dekka’s hand tightened on his knee for a moment in a way that could not have been painless.
“I just…” Sam’s voice was a whisper. “I guess… I should always have expected this. I always knew it would happen. Even when we were still in the FA-“ His voice broke and his sentence ended early.
Astrid felt another wave of white-hot anger flash through her at the tone in his voice. Her fury was directed at anyone and anything that had caused the build-up to this moment – the authorities who were surely still having meetings and making confidential decisions about them at that moment, the hateful gaiaphage that had messed everything up in the first place, and most of all the God of Astrid’s childhood. Where was that benign, compassionate God now? Where had He been throughout the FAYZ?
Her hands twitched together out of reflex, wanting to make the familiar praying position she’d always been taught when she was little, but she squashed the impulse. Sam was the priority, not her still-unresolved faith issues.
Dekka’s diamond-hard jaw finally unclenched as she opened her mouth to speak.
“Sam. This won’t be like your old nightmares.” Dekka’s voice was tight, with a controlled rage beneath it. “The law is harsh, but it’s not cruel. They know what we went through – what you went through.”
Astrid was about to add something, but Sam cut in. He looked up at them and they all saw his face – his eyes were glassy and bloodshot, his cheeks red and tearstained.
“They don’t.” Sam said, his voice stronger than before. “They don’t know what we went through. They’ll never properly know. But they do know the names of the kids that didn’t make it – the ones I didn’t protect.” He stood up angrily, his body coiled as tightly as a spring. “That’s how it is! It’s a black and white situation, and I was responsible for all of the kids in the FAYZ. That’s how the law sees it, and that’s how I see it.”
Astrid stepped forward and laid her hand on Sam’s cheek. Anyone could see the clear guilt that was playing across his face, and her heart broke at the fact that she wasn’t even surprised. Sam had been taking everyone’s guilt for far too long.
“Sam…” He looked down at her while everyone held their breath around them. “Sam, nothing is black and white. You taught me that.”
Sam started shaking his head, and her hand on his cheek became firmer. “Look at me.” She said, a hint of the old, superior Astrid creeping back into her voice. He did, his body relaxing slightly, and she dropped her hand.
“You don’t get to apply one set of rules to everyone else and a different one to yourself, Sam. You’ve done so much for us all, but you’re still only human. And no one can expect more from you than you can give. This is not black and white, and we will do something, talk to someone, and we will make them look at this fairly.”
There was a murmur of confirmation from Edilio and Dekka, but Sam and Astrid’s eyes were locked together.
“ Anyone who was inside the FAYZ will tell them that you are not a war criminal. In fact, anyone who’s ever met you could tell them that you’re not a war criminal. And we won’t let you turn yourself into one. Okay?”
Sam stared at Astrid. It seemed to be all he could do. After about a minute, Astrid got uncomfortable.
“Sam?”
Sam drew Astrid into a tight hug, surprising her. Then she smiled slightly and wrapped her arms around his torso, squeezing back, trying to make sure that he knew she was there for him. That she wouldn’t let him martyr himself.
“I’ve missed you so much.” Sam whispered into her shoulder. A ripple of warmth spread through her at his words, and she squeezed tighter.
“Me, too.”