My hope for this letter is to give myself a release, and a push in a more finished direction of my process.
I am writing this letter because I have a few things I want to say to you. These are the beautiful things I want to share before you left this earth.
Your presence would give me a sense of happiness that nobody else could give me. A euphoria like-feeling of my best friend next to me, in my space, sharing the same experience. Nothing else mattered. I never felt the urgency to look at the time, or worry about the next occurence.
The memories I replay in my head are unfathomable to my grief.
I would wait until you get off of work so we can go for a walk, smoke some green and laugh. I would greet you with a big hug while in your one hand was pure leaf iced tea. Lemon flavoured.
And then when we were 7 years old and our mom's were our lives, we would find a way to defy that setting and have a sleepover. We found eachother randomly having matching hamtaro pajamas. And we were so grateful to have eachother. Not understanding what gratitude was quite yet. To my surprise, waking up next to you was even funny too. You had moved around so much while sleeping and when i woke up, you were sleeping sideways on the bed.
Fast forward to your impact on me on present day.
Since we obviously had to have matching orange nike running shoes, it hurt me when you weren't there to wear them anymore. It hurt me when we never went to the gym together like we planned. We would never get to have Starbucks again. These are the little things, which made you smile, which remind me of you. Being reminded of your initial planning of getting sober and beginning a fit lifestyle is what motivates me some days to go to the gym. And even when my motivation fades, as it does, your encouraging words might be already replaying in my head.
It's not fair to your memory or to myself that I only think about the pain and suffering in this situation. You've made an incredible impact on my life and for that I am grateful. Here are the following things that I am grateful for for you.
You and me, together we lit up every room we were in. You showed me what it takes to be a friend. I'm thankful for all the blurry memories we shared together. One's that I hold private in my heart, because they are too personal to share on any platform. Having a friend that is as beautiful on the outside as on the inside is one of the things I hold especially meaningful to me. I am proud to have known you. But my heart aches as I will never get to see what you could've been, what you should've been. I am pleased to have shared your last few months with me, but I also feel guilty because of that.
But I was young and naive like you. One day, when I am not so naive, and when I burn this letter, you will still be in my thoughts. But in a way that will help me to move forward, to make new memories. I will learn to let people in, so they can enjoy the friendship I will be ready to give them. And I will accomplish great things one day, because I will have learned what hardship is. I would have conquered the greatest hardship of all time.
You will help me move mountains one day, I promise.