The 5 Stages of Grief, As Told By Goshiki Tsutomu
summary: welcome to goshiki’s world. this time, we’ll deal with surviving a crush on your stupidly pretty upperclassman (see also: semi eita)
tw: light cursing, insecure goshiki, crying?
notes: the song in 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 is come to me by the goo goo dolls
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from the minute goshiki laid eyes on semi eita, he knew he was royally fucked. not because he was a boy and not because he was a dick; simply because he was 𝘩𝘪𝘮.
1. Denial
“this is not happening.” that’s what tsutomu told himself as he walked back from his first-ever practice as a student at shiratorizawa academy. his first-ever practice at his dream school. “this is not happening.”
don’t get him wrong, it had been great! everyone was super talented and seemed excited to see what he could do- and he’d met ushiwaka! the man he’d looked up to since he first saw him playing on tv in middle school. words couldn’t describe how excited he was to play with him, and everyone else, for that matter.
so, what was the problem? no, he didn’t say something to embarrass himself, or piss off the temperamental setter by commenting that their bangs were similar- okay, maybe he did do that one, but that wasn’t what he was struggling to admit to himself. not even close.
no. no, this had to do with the other setter. the first who bothered to greet him when he walked through the doors, with a sweet smile just for him and a deep, melodic voice 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦'𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵, 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯𝘪𝘵. the one who’d introduced himself as “semi eita, but eita’s okay, really. no need for honorifics among friends.” the one who, sensing that he was nervous, pointed out each member of the team and gave him a brief description so there was less left unexpected when he went up to meet them.
“no, this isn’t happening.” he kept repeating, over and over. “this is not a crush.” the sound of a door closing behind him snapped him out of his thoughts. when did he get back to his dorm? didn’t matter, he supposed. a shower should help him rinse off the 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘫𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 that were 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 causing his brain to interpret admiration as something else. yep.
laying on his bed after his shower, his thoughts wandered back to 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘢. fuck.
nope. not a crush. “this is not happening.”
2. Anger
who does this guy think he is, anyway?
it had been about a month since that first day, and each passing practice made these stupid feelings get on his nerves even more. he was supposed to be focusing on practice, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 the way this dude’s hips moved when he jogged or the little glisten on his lips after he pulled away from getting a drink of water. honestly, what the hell? who gave him the right to be so, so.. 𝘩𝘪𝘮?!
it was infuriating, really. all the shots he messed up because he was looking at the one who sent him the ball just a 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥 too long. all the times he had to ask coach washijō to repeat himself because he was distracted by a flash of milky skin under a jersey that fit almost too perfectly or a cocky smile after a particularly impressive serve. he was better than this, damn it! better than what the team got to see every day, better than some heartsick little lover boy who can’t keep his eyes off of someone pretty. he hated it.
but what he hated more was that he was taking it out on him, all this frustration that certainly wasn’t semi’s fault. in small ways, of course. he stopped returning the sweet smiles and the 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴. he brushed semi off when he’d try to check up on him. he only ever replied to him when he was actively walking away.
“good night, ‘tomu.” a nickname he’d given him. how frustratingly cute.
“night, semi-san.” so much for 𝘯𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘴 𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴.
3. Bargaining
goshiki was never religious, not once in his life. but as he sat in the audience at a shitty coffee shop right outside of sendai, at an open mic night that the third and second years had convinced semi to play at, he was more open to believing.
“please,” he prayed silently, “any.. one, or thing, that may be out there.. let him suck at this.” because god, if any one thing could make someone hotter, it was a musical inclination. in goshiki’s opinion, anyway. with the way semi’s speaking voice sounded, he doubted he’d be bad at singing, but he was willing to make a deal. “just.. send me a sign of what, or who you are.. and i swear to you, i will spend my life knocking on people’s doors and annoying them in your name, ‘kay? awesome. now’s your moment.. aaaaand.. 𝘨𝘰!"
scattered clapping came from the audience as semi stepped out on stage. 𝘯𝘰𝘵 so scattered, obnoxiously loud cheering came from their table. loud ‘𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘱’s and ‘𝘠𝘌𝘈𝘏 𝘚𝘌𝘔𝘐𝘚𝘌𝘔𝘐𝘐𝘐𝘐𝘐𝘐 ’s could be heard from his upperclassmen. the red dusting on semi’s cheeks made it worth it, somehow. the background music started up, along with semi’s guitar. long, nimble fingers moved with ease along the strings of what looked like a pretty old guitar, duct taped in several places. the sound was still amazing, though. thanks to the one playing it. “okay, so he can play guitar.. i’m counting on you to make sure he can’t sing.” he thought.
after a minute of instrumentals, the actual words of the song came along. it was some love song or another by the goo goo dolls, one of semi’s favorites that goshiki had never heard of in his life. he squeezed his eyes shut as the lips he’d caught himself staring at a few too many times opened to begin singing.
“𝘪 '𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘧𝘶𝘭
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 '𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭.."
well, fuck. 14 words in, and goshiki’s heart was already in his throat. by the time eita got to the chorus, his voice just dripping 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 and 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, goshiki’s eyes were blown wide in awe. okay, so.. he didn’t suck.
“dear gods- you had one fucking job.”
4. Depression
having a crush fucking blows.
every helpless sigh and longing stare that semi didn’t notice made goshiki want to die. not that semi was to blame; it was just embarrassing. he was embarrassed. the feeling of being utterly 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 increased tenfold when he’d see semi talking to someone else.
he had no right to be jealous. he wasn’t his damn boyfriend, or anything remotely close- but seeing eita smile and laugh with another guy just reminded tsutomu of how completely inadequate he was when it came to someone like semi. he was loud and clumsy and overexcitable and.. a million other things that he could list, but didn’t quite care to.
“hey, tomu.” a soft voice called his name, his special nickname, after practice. 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦..
“semi-san.. is something wrong?”
“yeah, um.. i just wanted to talk to you for a minute.” he said with a small frown. that alone made goshiki a little sad, so he let semi lead him to sit down on the bench. “i just uh.. i feel like you’ve been.. like, avoiding me, i guess? maybe not consciously, but.. did i do something wrong? or upset you, in some way? like, i don’t want you to be mad at me and not know about it, y’know..?”
god, he felt like a dickhead in that moment. semi’s lips were trembling as he spoke, clearly trying not to get all teary in front of his underclassman. “hey, um.. no, not at all. i’m just going through some stuff right now.. i didn’t mean to take it out on you, i’m.. i’m so sorry..” he whispered, immediately wrapping his arms tightly around the shorter and giving him soothing back rubs. he was so angry and upset with himself that he let it get to that point. “i’m sorry.” he whispered again.
how the hell was he going to fix this?
5. Acceptance
deep breaths, he told himself. just keep taking deep breaths, and it’ll all be okay.
goshiki stood in front of his bathroom mirror, scrutinizing his appearance. for the first time in the 8 months he’d been at shiratorizawa, he was going to visit semi at his dorm. now obviously, he wasn’t dressed up too fancy. it was a casual visit, after all! nothing serious. nothing.. nothing to be worried about.
he kept whispering affirmations to himself as he straightened his overalls, the purple ones he’d put on over his white shirt with the cactus print. with one last glance in the mirror, he left the bathroom and, after grabbing something off his bed, he left his dorm entirely.
the walk to semi’s room was shorter than expected, and soon enough, he was standing in front of his door. he didn’t even realize that he’d knocked until he heard the sound it produced. it startled him somewhat, though it wasn’t nearly comparable to the leap his heart did when semi opened the door.
the third year looked, frankly, 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦. he was dressed in a fluffy hoodie with cat ears sewn on the hood, shorts, and thigh high socks with cat ears and faces on top. “shit. hi, tomu, i’m sorry- i thought tendou forgot his key again-” his cheeks turned a deep shade of red from being seen dressed like that by somebody other than his roommate.
“no need to be sorry. i.. can i come in? i have something for you.” he said, holding a guitar case with a bow on it in front of him. semi’s eyes widened.
“tomu, what’s this..?” he let out a shy chuckle, stepping aside to allow the first year in. goshiki placed the guitar case down on his bed.
“see for yourself.” he smiled, so semi did too. he sat down on his bed next to the gift, slowly opening it up. inside was the most beautiful guitar he’d ever seen. it was black with metallic undertones of green, gorgeous silver accents around the mouth, silver strings and silver tuning pegs and he 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 it.
“tomu..” he said, gently lifting it out of the case. “it’s.. 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭..” he whispered, observing it as if he was in a trance. “but, i can’t keep it. it’s too much.. thank you, but-”
“sem-” goshiki started, then stopped. “𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘢. it was nothing, really.. i noticed yours was broken in a few places. with talent like yours, you deserve beautiful things.” he told him, simple as anything. “please, keep it? i have no use for it.” he laughed.
semi looked up at him with tears in his eyes, gently placing the guitar back down and standing up to throw his arms around the taller boy. “thank you!” he laughed softly, definitely not letting a few tears slip out. “no one’s ever done something this nice for me.”
“think of it as a thank you. for making me feel welcome.” goshiki told him, hugging him back tightly and gently rocking him. all his feelings hit him in that moment, together, at the same time. when he pulled away, semi had the most dazzling, grateful smile on his face. he could have kissed him then and there. little did he know, the feelings semi had been denying for a while were starting to creep up his cheeks in the form of a blush. still, that was the last straw for goshiki. “eita.” he cleared his throat.
“there’s one more thing i have to tell you..”
