The progression from Wolfstar to Remadora.
The moment Sirius and Remus knew it was over.
Part one here.
Enjoy.
‘Its been too long hasn’t it?’
As Remus stood in the living room facing Sirius he couldn’t help but feel torn
Torn between what once was everything to him and what could be someday
Torn between a person he knew he would never be again and a person he had wanted to be for the last 12 years
The days and weeks and months of anger festering inside of you are nothing anyone could ever explain
It was like a black hole absorbing everything he had ever felt
Every smile he could ever have had
Every memory that was meant to bring him joy in the days gone by
Because there was Sirius in every single one
And how do you not let the guilt and sadness and pain bring you to your knees every time a memory flashes across your mind?
How do you look at someone even in your head and think of love when you’ve spent entire nights lying awake imagining what it would be like to wrap your hands around their throat?
‘Sirius I-’
But Sirius wouldn’t let him speak
Wouldn’t even look at him
He kept his eyes fixated on the blackened marks of his family tree
On the blackened mark that was once him
‘I thought- I thought coming back would be all I ever thought it was.’
He ran his fingers along the charred lines and the unwoven bits of fabric that stuck out from the tapestry
‘I had this vision- it was like- it was- it was this light for me. It’s what I would see when I stared at those stone walls you know? When I was tired of being angry, when my plan to escape was wrought with holes, when I was ready to give them my soul... Well, if I had had any left to give.’
Remus stood stoic, his eyes on the figure of a man he had only recently come to know
‘In the ideal world I created I had figured it out before I climbed on my bike. I knew it was Peter and I would never have blamed you. I would have gotten there on time, I would have gotten there just before and I would save them.’
Remus could hear the cracking of Sirius’ voice
‘And after I saved them, after me and Jamie and Lily had defeated him together I would see you through the haze of magic, I would see you running towards me with that look on your face. You know the one when you hadn't seen me after a long day and it was like when your eyes finally found mine you could breathe again? Seeing your face in that ideal world helped me breathe again Moons.’
Remus watched the tears dribble down Sirius’ cheeks
‘And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, trying to apologize for being so careless, for running in wand blazing against the Darkest wizard of our time because-’
Sirius choked out a laugh, ‘because you would have been so angry with me for risking my life rather than ready to take it yourself.’
‘And then what?’
Remus’s words were quiet and soft
He was biting his cheek to stop the tightness in the pit of his stomach that came from images of this imaginary world
A world so different from one he had thought of for so long
One where he had stopped their deaths but it wasn’t the Dark Lord at the end of his wand
‘And then I would take you home. To our home. The one I had been saving to buy back then-’
Remus bit his lip harder and could feel his eyes welling
‘I walked passed it everyday when you were gone wherever Dumbledore had sent you that time. There was this huge window in the front with these pillows and cushions and I could see you reflected in the glass. Another book in your hand, another cup of tea. I tried to see it every time my heart was too heavy.’
Sirius swallowed harder as his fingers tightened around the blackened threads
‘And I imagined I’d grow old there. Lay myself down knowing that my brother was safe, that Lily was safe, that my godson was safe. I’d die old and grey and not as alone as I feel now with images of us in my mind. I wouldn’t have to die knowing I failed them all.’
Remus couldn’t bare to stare at whoever this hopeless soul before him was
Couldn’t bare the guilt he felt knowing the ill will he wished Sirius
Knowing that he begged the world to let him be the one to take his final breaths
But it hurt more that he barely knew him anymore
That looking at him felt unfamiliar and strange
He had wanted his Sirius back for so long
His Sirius who had been young and bright and commanded the whole room
His Sirius who couldn’t hold his firewhiskey and always liked to cuddle and never had cold fingertips or toes
His Sirius who was just tall enough next to him to let his nose rest against the back of his neck so that his lips met Remus’ spine
His Sirius who was sarcastic and witty and unnervingly talented at just about everything he tried
‘But I’m not the man I was 12 years ago and nothing can change that now’
Remus swallowed painfully
Because Sirius was right
This Sirius was angry with the world
This Sirius was hopeless and stuck and draining
This Sirius never spoke more than a few words a day
Never let himself be touched
Never cleaned the dirt beneath his fingernails knowing that it would always be a part of him now
‘And how could you ever look at me the way you did before all this? You couldn’t, you still can’t, not even now.’
Remus lifted his eyes from the tapestry
Turned to see a flicker of the man he once knew beneath that hollowed frame and shaggy black hair
His eyes were still his, as piercing and silver as ever
The softness of his smile never left when they looked at each other
But Remus needed him to know
‘I hated you’
Sirius stared at him
His face unwavering, everything he felt now kept bottled up inside
‘I hated that I spent the war on the brink of losing my mind, that every change with that pack was sure to make me wake the next day with skin splattered with blood and my jaw aching and my body torn’
Sirius winced at the images that assaulted
‘I hated that you spent years by my side, years in my bed, years listening to me say how I could never repay you all for the life you gave me and still thought I could ever betray James’
Sirius bowed his head, curling into himself was the only way he knew how to shield the blows now
‘But I hated myself more for still wanting you’
Sirius lifted his eyes at the last words
The wetness of Remus’ cheeks enough to cut deep inside of him
‘You deserve to be happy Remus. It was just never meant to be with me’
‘I wanted it to be’
Sirius pulled his lip beneath his teeth as Remus spoke softly
‘I wanted to be happy with you, even after what you did... what I thought you did’
Remus curled in hands into fists
‘I didn’t think it was real, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare and every morning I would reach my hand out hoping to feel you there but you can only grasp the cold air so many times.
I was hollow for so many years, I hadn’t laughed, I hadn’t known I was allowed to be anything more than a ghost. But when she walked into the room Sirius something struck inside me. I never thought I would feel it again, not after you.’
Remus rested his palm against the back of his neck trying to stop the way his nails dug into his hands and his shoulders tensed
‘I’m not the same man either Sirius- neither of us fell in love with who we became but Dora- Dora hasn’t lost who she is. She’s whole and kind and strong.’
Sirius let his eyes close as Remus spoke
‘She reminds me of everything good about you. She’s not afraid of life, not worried about living. She reminds me of Lily when she hums and James when she laughs and Harry when she yells. She makes me see a future where I can be me again, where I won’t feel so sick about the day when my whole world became bleak.’
Sirius let his hand drop from the charred wall and opened his eyes to Remus
His walk slow as he approached him
His face hardened by years of turmoil neither of them should have ever endured
He came before him, should to shoulder, chest to chest and rested their foreheads lightly together
‘You deserve a future Moons’
Sirius’ voice was low
His eyes closed and his hands found their way to Remus’ neck
‘I always loved you Pads’
Sirius pressed his lips softly to Remus’
Remus could feel it vibrate through his body
It was almost like he was a young man again
Almost ...
But these lips were rough and chapped and untouched in well over a decade
Not like the lips he had once craved
Not like the ones that knew every inch of his skin
That had marked their ownership all over him
The feeling was gone
The fire that used to spread through his body had long since been put out
The electricity on his skin from Sirius’ unparalleled grip around his neck felt like a goodbye
It was all a goodbye
And it was the last thing Sirius ever needed to say
shoutout to the fic that ruined all of our lives (including me, and i wrote it LMFAO)
i reread this last night for i think the first time ever? and boy was it a ride. what was i on when i wrote this and why do you all still follow me 😂😂😂
my fav thing about you is that whenever gp is mentioned you start chanting GP FIC GP FIC GP FIC. bc fucking hell yeah! gp ficccc! we love the gp fic (and the rest of the series ofc) we all say in unison. like yes maam! (also it fills me with unadultered joy everytime - to see people take genuine joy and enthusiasm in what they write instead of being overly self critical bc yeah! this is the point! have fun with it! GP FIC! sidenote you may have now pavlov'd me into unironically going gp fic gp fic gp fic in my head everytime he shows up on screen/my dash hence my need to point it out this mexico race served me well akskjdsafk)
anyways yes i liked the gp fic if you couldn't tell <3
😭😭😭😭😭😭 THE GP FIC ALWAYS HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, THAT BITCH!!! i am definitely overly critical in the writing phase, but once it's out there in the world i'm usually pretty fond of it! there's a few things that didn't age well in my mind, but... for the most part i love everything i've ever posted!!! i hope the gp fic will be my legacy. what a fucking legacy to have!!!
