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Grace Incarnate

On Tuesday, Angelina Jolie announced in a NY Times Op-Ed that she’d had a preventative double mastectomy to minimize her risk of developing breast cancer. The words preventative, risk, and cancer were now keywords that caught, hung on, and sufficiently tangled themselves up in my psyche. So I paid attention. I was also, all too familiar with Angelina's story.

Her mother had passed away from ovarian cancer at 56. My mom was 57. I could go on connecting the dots and weaving the similarities between their stories indefinitely, but the crux of it came sometime around my mom's cancer-free 57th birthday in 2012. We were at home, lounging together in the living room watching a 60 Minutes special she had recorded, in which Angelina spoke of her mother. It was in this moment, sitting with my mom, that I’d first heard that beautiful descriptor, “grace incarnate.” I remember thinking, "well that’s my mom." My mom was the epitome of grace. My mom lived for her children. My mom was the most selfless woman in the world. And as though my mom also sensed these similarities, she asked, "How old was her mother?" That was the difference. My mom had already made it to her 57th birthday -- that alone seemed to be a safe zone -- that was the demarcation separating their stories. My mom would never again be at-risk of passing away from cancer at 56. Her cancer had already been removed. She was safe. It was gone. And I could sit here, with my mom, who could go on living as the epitome of grace forever.

Tuesday morning, after reading Angelina's Op-Ed my eyes darted to a headline in my inbox from Sloan-Kettering: Good News in Cancer Research: Large Genetic Study Could Improve Endometrial Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment...

My mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer on December 23, 2011. She had a hysterectomy on January 4, 2012, which was shown to have removed every last trace of cancer, and was told the percentage of women who ever have a problem after this surgery is nominal.

But what of the cancer that was not traceable?

On July 22, 2012 the untraceable cancer reared its head. The prognosis: incurable. And as the Sloan-Kettering article stated, “the landscape of treatment for endometrial cancer today is quite chaotic.” Was it ever.

Angelina Jolie’s mother waged a decade-long battle with ovarian cancer. My mom’s chaotic battle was five months. Do I wish that I had one more day with my mom? Yes. But would I have wanted her to endure the pain that she went through for any longer than she had to? No. A friend of my mom’s has recently elected to stop chemo after a three-year battle with cancer, because she wants to live her life. And I applaud her for that. Cancer affects every woman differently, and every woman has the right to make her own decisions about her own body.

When I heard more recently that Angelina was electing for another surgery, to remove her ovaries — that hit a little closer to home.

Angelina was an 87% risk for developing breast cancer and a 50% risk for developing ovarian cancer. She is 37 years old, and has already built her family. But what about those "twenty-somethings" among us, like myself and other daughters of mothers lost too young to cancer, who don't know what our risk looks like, and may -- as one of my mom's friends articulated -- feel like genetic time bombs?

If you’ve spent any time reading this blog, you know that I like to find signs and significance in everything. So when I received an email on February 19, 2013, one day after my mom’s would-be 58th birthday, from an individual affiliated with Mass General, looking to establish a non-profit devoted to cancer treatment and prevention through personalized nutritional regimens – I paid attention.

Cancer is a four-letter word. But it’s also a teacher. My mom was my greatest teacher, and the way she handled her illness taught us all. I don’t know why this happened – she was healthy, she had no family history, and had no time to reverse the course of what had befallen her – but I do know it would be a sin not to observe it as a wake up call. My mom would expect nothing less from me now.

Angelina’s decision is not for everyone, but at least it’s started a conversation. It's done more than that, really, it's opened the floodgates, and has many women thinking about their own health and their own options.

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When I sat down to write my mom's eulogy in December, 2012, physically and emotionally bankrupt, two words burned through my skull. A reminder of simple moments past, lounging in the living room together. Two words that I equated with my mom. Two words that left no space for any others until I could get them down onto paper and out of my head. At the very least it was a start, something shared between my mom and I. And once written – grace incarnate – it allowed the rest to pour out.

It is something that I would wish upon all daughters of mothers lost too soon – may you have been fortunate enough in your relationship and now in your memory of your mother, that the same sentiment prevails. In whatever form. In whatever words – my mom was grace incarnate.

As my mom did – make the best of your situation. And in spite of it all, maintain a sense of humility, and humor.

Grace under pressure. Amazing grace. Grace incarnate.

#grace incarnate #angelina jolie #op-ed #cancer #mom

Day 39. Song 39. Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews

Grace incarnate. Amazing grace. Grace under pressure... too much to say on the subject of grace. Coming soon...

Up Next, Day 40: Hallelujah

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Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind I could never love again so much as I love you Where you end where I begin is like a river going through Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more If never again they fall upon the one I so adore Excuse me please one more drink Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think She broke my heart my Grace is gone One more drink and I’ll move on One drink to remember then another to forget How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again One drink to remember and another to forget Excuse me please one more drink Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think She broke my heart my Grace is gone One more drink and I’ll move on One more drink and I’ll be gone You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine Excuse me please one more drink Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think She broke my heart my Grace is gone One more drink and I’ll go Excuse me please one more drink Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think She broke my heart my Grace is gone One more drink and I’ll move on One more drink and I’ll be gone One more drink my Grace is gone