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Dance Moms (An essay from a year ago in Comp I that was supposed to be serious and perfect oops)

Stereotyping different types of dance moms has always been about as easy as classifying the different flavors of skittles; all the same kind of candy, but with their own very specific distinctions. Generally speaking, the main types of dance moms include the ever-in-control stage mom, the forever-lenient pushover, and the extremely “helpful” amateur-dancer dance moms.

Everybody knows about the typical stage mom; vicariously living through her child while desperately digging for fame and fortune. Stage moms are well known for their extreme obsessions with the limelight and frightening lack of filter. This particular category of dance mom is likely to be found on her phone, calling up Lady GaGa’s ex-husband’s sister’s great aunt, twice removed’s old manager; these dance moms have some serious connections. These women can be found on some occasions yelling profanities at the stage light director because their daughter’s false eyelashes and hair extensions just won’t stay in place. Stage moms also can’t consume enough coffee or attention, it’s a fact. A sighting of a stage mom sleeping is so rare that we can’t even tell you snoozing stage moms even exist.  These are the women most sane humans would go out of their way to avoid talking to at competitions, or in real life for that matter; especially if there is not a cup of coffee in their hands. Some more characteristics of stage moms include bulging eyes, maybe with dollar signs in their constricted pupils, and Prada boots with at least a four inch heel so everyone can hear them arriving from a mile away. How exactly does this stage behavior affect their children? When people think of stage children, they often picture Britney Spears. These dancers break into the entertainment world fresh faced, sweet, and boiling over with talent. Sometimes they even reach a notable level of fame; but after a while, it’s plain to see that they start adapting the psycho from their mothers and all of a sudden they’re bashing people with umbrellas on a cocaine fueled rage, and using a blunt razor to shave their heads in a border-line psychotic melt-down. Just another typical day in show biz. The moral of this section is that you should never come within a fifty yard radius of a stage mom. Speaking in jungle terms, they are the lions of the dance world.

Another well-known, stereotypical dance mom; the pushover; the one who will always go out of her way to please the possible spawn of Satan. Bystanders can easily differentiate this dance mom after taking a quick glance at her child. Most children of the pushover dance mom usually scream about wanting a new pony or a blue raspberry slush for at least ten minutes before they go onstage. In most cases, off-stage, bystanders will see them either bossing around their parents, or throwing a temper tantrum until these children receive their daily fix of sugary, processed food. If anyone ever had enough courage to search this particular dance mom's purse, they would find a variety of disturbing objects. While most mothers carry around gum or peppermints; usually pushover dance moms cart about 393,753 pixie stix or so. Also, in most cases, these dance mom’s purses hold a number of medicines such as Benadryl, NyQuil, and chloroform, because who knows if their child would ever sleep if they didn’t. If for some crazy reason their little girl does not want to dance at all, these dance moms have never been too proud to publicly fall onto their knees pleading with their child. These dance moms often bribe their children to attend dance classes daily. At the end of these ravenous battles, the child usually ends up with the iPhone5 and will still skip practice if she so chooses. Overall, the pushover dance mom does not force any threat toward other people; as their sassy kid already has this under control.

The last, slightly less-known kind of dance mom is the amateur-dancer dance mom. This dance mom does not understand personal space, which could make her the most annoying of all the dance moms in the land. That woman screaming counts at their child over the voice of the teacher? That could very well be the amateur-dancer dance mom. The choreographer always has to talk with this dance mom after classes, and even kicks her out of class every once in a while. The choreographer definitely has an interesting relationship with this dance mom. The amateur-dancer dance mom always practices with her child, and sometimes even changes the choreography from the comfort of her living room, despite previous complaints. The choreographer and amateur-dancer always yell at each other no matter the situation. This group of moms always takes control of everything dance related. If somebody else interjects her with their opinion, they will not bother listening. This mom sure thinks she knows best. The amateur-dancer mom also has an interesting relationship with her daughter. If an accident happens and her dancer is injured, the dance mom will probably just yell at her dancer to suck it up; end of story. Their daughter will attend practice every day no matter what happens outside of the studio. Generally, other dance parents do not tend to take a liking to this dance mom.

There are all sorts of dance moms out in the world, from stage moms, to the pushover, to the amateur-dancer. These moms all have their place in the dance world. Most of the time these moms do not get along with each other and spend most of their downtime alone, as their strong personalities always get the best of them. They usually just stick by their daughters at competitions and shows. It was stated in the very beginning; dance moms are crazy, and I’ll stick with that fact.