#gray: solo

[rkgray]

// we must love  |  gray solo

KTs BLACK KNIGHT Lee Seonghwa alias GRAY January Evaluation 2020 Experimental KT Group Performance Song: We Must Love |x|

in a big group of nine people, it was obvious that line distribution wouldn’t be easy. everyone deserved to get the spotlight and even if he just got ten seconds to be the center in the whole performance gray was ok with this line up. he knew he was one of the stronger rappers among them, though it was a little disappointing to not be able to show more of his skills. it’s been a while since they got to perform together like this and he didn’t felt like he would be of any help to the others at all. it couldn't be helped though, since the song was more of a vocal song than a rap song so besides working on his lines, there was still a lot of room for improvement regarding his dancing. kt was a company that was known for their strong dancers and singers as well as alluring visuals. among all males that had been chosen for the experiment, he was (at least in his opinion) one of the trainees that might be leaning too much into a specific direction, instead of balancing out his skill sets which actually meant that he was lacking simply too much in singing and dancing.

so during the camp as well as all throughout the month in their daily training, gray tried to compensate somehow, gave it his best, worked on his dancing since there wouldn't be any vocal lines for him to take. they would be working in a big group and while some people might believe that it would be easier to hide in between all other bodies, he was sure that the keen eyes of the coaches would pick weaker dancers out on the spot. the last time he had talked to their ceo, she had advised him to work on his stage presence which he had done, but was it enough?

the song was dreamy, gave off some kind of magical vibe, it was softer than what he was used to in his own songs where he rather liked to give it a rougher touch up, just because he didn't believed a soft image would suit him too much based on his age. in the presence of the others and the way they worked together, their was some space open for him to fit right in. the question was just if he would be able to.

he positioned himself, when they were asked to enter the room and begin their monthly evaluation. it was a strange feeling to stand in front of the coaches in midst of a big group. if things were going well, they might be promised a spot in the final line up for a debut, but for now things were still unknown and unstable. all that was left for them to do was giving it their all, despite all the doubts and fears, the pains and guilt. getting his facial expression under control, gray took deep breaths in and out, before the music started.

his part was quite soon into the beginnig of the song, he was standing up front, full focus on his moves. back then, when he was younger, there had been a time, when he was more into dancing, when he had explored more of that unknown world. but soon after rising in his skills, and even winning contests, his interest shifted towards music and producing and dancing became more of a secondary interest. he knew that there was some kind of potential within him, but wasn't too sure if he would lose part of himself in the process of exploring it further. for now, this was what he was able to show them. his movements were light, he drops to the ground effortlessly in a jumping move, as his body was strong and flexible.

due to his sports activities he doesn't look to awkward, when he lifts his hand, grabbing another member's arm, as he leans back in. the rapper raises himself, facing the fellow trainees, while they were still in their circle formation, moving his arms along the rhythm the music and the centers preset. he covers his face, while holding out an arm in front of the centered singer. one of them gets lift up, as they proceeds to sing, gray stands at the side, continuing his choreography.

then his own center part begins, it was just short, but he put all energy into those few lines. contrary to the original performer, his rap is off-beat, it gives off a different vibes, as he breaks the rhythm and raps the part in his own style. despite everything, despite the experimental group and the chosen song, he was still gray and that was his way.

[rkgray]

// s-pop, new ways

KT’s BLACK KNIGHT S-Pop Trainee MC Application Lee Seonghwa aka. GRAY & Kwak Youngmin @aronrk

he had no experience with being an mc or whatsoever. plus he was on the quieter side compared to all other kt trainees, but he couldn’t help but still being interested in the new opportunity that had opened up. gray was realistic enough to not put all of his hope into the experimental group, especially when there were so many other guys kt could chose from, so being interested in another way to get something to do aside from monthly evaluations was just reasonable to him. some of the other long-term trainees had been able to present themselves in front of the world in some way, while he had been lingering in the shadows, without any chance to show himself in any way. he was a patient man, but even he wanted to show his worth to the company at least sometimes as well.

besides curiosity pulled him towards the application to the open spots for trainee mcs. he wasn’t too sure if he was a good choice for one of those spots, he wasn’t as bubbly and cheery as most mcs appeared to be, but he was interested in variety and comedy. gray liked talking to others, even when he didn’t appeared to at times, he liked to tell stories, liked to make jokes and laugh with others. it was a genunine interest to take part in this new project.

so since he hadn’t tried to be a mc before and people knew about aron’s radio show, most would probably think that gray just wanted to team up with an experienced kid to lead him well. to begin with, he wasn’t really expecting a good outcome, there were quite a good amount of people who wanted to apply on those positions, but he just wanted to reach out and broaden his horizon bit by bit. teaming up with aron (besides that his help wouldn’t be taken into consideration because every trainee’s performance would be reviewed individually, was just the wish to form a group with his friend and to be comfortable about this new world he was about to step in.

he was still new to all of this, and when they were handed the scripts he could feel the nervousness crawl into every nook of his body. they had practiced and rehearse before, but the very situation of being judged in different parts than usual, was quite the nervewrecking idea forming in his head. gray still felt lost with everything going on, yet he was giving his best to keep up and show his spectrum of individuality.

aron’s words, when they were practicing together were still echoing in the back of his minds, his encouraging words of how they would both do well was giving him strength and simply having him there at his side was somewhat of a relief. they easily agreed on how to split up their parts and gray took a deep breath before the start. his friend had adviced him to read the script, if word by word or rather freely was up to him, and to go with the flow. being confident was a keyword he had used as well, so he went along as the other began.

the nervousness gradually subsided, as they kept their conversation going, followed the script without being too stuck on every single word. aron would look over to him every now and then and maintain their eye contact and gray in return didn’t averted his gaze, and picked up every keyword the other gave him, so it wouldn’t appear like the other would run into a dead end. he was thankful to aron who gave him smiles or encouraging nods and he slowly opened up and emitted the same good and warm vibes the other emitted. the familiarity and closeness of the two clearly made him more comfortable, took away his initial stiffness and unnaturality.

whenever he began to stagger, he would try to make jokes or funny remarks, to fill in the holes in his mind for a moment. even if he wasn’t as experienced as aron, and even if they would be judged individually, there was no way gray wanted his friend to be on an tight spot, where it would be hard to keep the performance going. with his returning calmness he back up his friend and supported his ways as much as possible to make this a memorable and positive memory.

[rkgray]

KTs BLACK KNIGHT Lee Seonghwa alias GRAY Haunted Cinema Movie: The Ring

gray wasn't necessarily the type of guy who was into scary movies, but sometimes he was in the mood for some good old scare. plus the idea of an haunted cinema made him kind of curious, which is why he decided to check this year's halloween event out. all alone, that is, but it was not like he couldn't help since most of his friends were a little busy with their own plans and schedules right now.

for the past weeks he had been in a somewhat melancholic and reminiscing mood, thinking back about older times, when things weren't as complicated and complex as they were now. he missed hanging out with the guys, fooling around, just creating the kind of content he wanted and felt to without a worry in the world. back then, he was struggling in a different way than he did now, and yet, he felt like these days had been way easier than they were now, even though he was much closer to what could be the fulfillment of a part of his dream. happiness was far away though.

and for the old times' sake, he went to the haunted cinema on friday. with a smile on his lips, he received the box of spooky popcorn with both hands, and walked over to the hall the movie he had watched at the young age of 14. he was early by ten minutes prior to the movie's start, so he looked for his assigned seat and settled down, all while mustering the creepy decorations around them in awe. the staff members had really gone all out and it made him chuckle lightly.

as soon as the movie began, he started to shove a handful of popcorn into his mouth, slowly remembering every scene that was played upon the screen. back then he had been way too young to catch every single detail, and as he recalled his reaction after the blackhaired girl appeared for the first time, she arrived at the scene and made him flinch in his seat for a moment. even after all this time, and even though he already knew what was about to happen, the movie was still exciting to watch.

[rkgray]

// just like the rain  |  gray solo

looking up at the grey sky above him was somehow easing his heart. thick raindrops run down his face, cooled his skin after getting heated up from training. these days were more peaceful than before, and yet his mind felt unable to settle down.

It rained on that day too I wished time would stop Close your eyes Think about that time

the chaos from before had been resolved, things had calmed down. he was moving on, feeling as free as he hadn't been feeling in a long. about two more months until his contract run out and while his heart was already on the verge to finish this chapter in his life, gray wasn't too sure if it was complete. four years of dedication had ultimately lead to where he was standing now, realizing how he wouldn't be able to feel happiness with the paths that had opened up for him after all the times of patience and hard work.

Baby u so beautiful Can’t take my eyes off you You’re so fine Can’t take my eyes off you

a mixture of strange feelings was welling within him, he felt relief over the fact how he would stop being a burden to the only company that had accepted him over the years, and he felt anxious about what was waiting ahead for him. since 2016 the company had become an important part of his life, some kind of anchor in a way. being stripped of it after four years would leave an empty spot for a while, would leave him with the question if he would ever be able to get into another company ever again.

You’re so aromatic You’re just like a rose You always dazzle in my eyes Like the sun Every day and night I think of you You’re like sweet rain in my heart You make my heart beat

You Just like the rain

gray breathed out and listened to the sound drumming on the pavement, as he wandered around the night. he was calm, and yet he felt the need to talk, to get the energy out of his system. he missed her, missed her voice, her words, her embrace.

steps lead him back to his home, from which he had moved off an hour ago. it was already too late for him to give her a call or to message her. these days she seemed busier than before and gray wanted to be anything but someone who would stand in the way of her career. the strange sense of melancholy filled him once again, as he walked back in, dripping wet from the rain shower outside, warmth creeping back into his limbs. how was she doing these days, was she eating and sleeping enough? he wondered, as he stared at a photograph. 2am in the morning.

getting into the shower, washing off the cold from the outside world, slipping over comfortable clothes, before settling down on the seat in front of his studio screen.

We’re sharing earphones Listening to the music Getting lost in memories, locked in our thoughts Like the falling rain, yeah yeah Even if we dont say it We know each other’s hearts Hold tight to my lost hands And hold me in your arms

a melody, rhythm like a nightly stroll in the rain, was filling his head, and wordless he began working. whatever was on his mind or his heart, a good old producing session was always taking away of the negativity he was drowning in. bit by bit, pieces fell together, a framework opened up to him and words were banned onto the yellow papers of his notepad. closing his eyes, he recalled her face, thought of her, whom he wished to see again. gray was not sure what she would think if he opened his mind to her, was not sure what she would say, if she knew what kind of chances he had letting passed by because it didn't felt right.

but he hoped, seungah would understand.

[rkgray]

KTs BLACK KNIGHT Lee Seonghwa alias GRAY September Evaluation 2020 Zodiac Inspired Performance (Pisces) Song: NiiHwa (니화) - Jazzy Lady Featuring. Taeyang

they had no other choice but to try and go with the flow. gray knew that taeyang just felt like him regarding this month's evaluation. the two of them both didn't quite knew how to handle the topic, nor were they especially interested in it. even after several researchs and zodiac descriptions later, neither of them believed in it. that was probably one of the reasons why they had been able to work together without much problems, as they, after the initial struggle, had come to agree to a song quite fast. he liked the song, even though he wasn't too sure if it fitted their zodiac well, but whatever.

at the end of the day a good performance was the only thing that counted.

gray snapped his fingers at the beginning of the song, before bopping his head to the rhythm, as he didn't looked over to the other male to his side. "alright, yeah. check it. go get it." he introduced and started off with his rap part. the song was like the title suggested jazzy and had a nice flow to it. without much knowledge about that topic, he would have even said that it somehow matched the zodiac, as it felt distant and a little cold like a freezing march day.

there was a clear rhythm and a constant melody to it, and while it would have been way easier to just go with it, gray had worked on it to match his offbeat rap. he just was someone who like inconventional styles, someone who liked to try and experiment and see if a song from someone else could sound as if it was his. so he played the pace, stopped or accelarated in his pace however it felt right to him. offbeat rap never sounded the same, always changed it colours with every performance and that very freedom was what he wanted to embrace the most. as soon as his rap part was over, he moved over to adlibs and supported the other trainee whose smooth voice matched the song concept well.

[rkgray]

// feeling sentimental

KTs BLACK KNIGHT Lee Seonghwa alias GRAY S-Pop "After Mom Is Asleep" Guest: DE:CODE

there was a strange sentimental feeling that had overcome him this last month. gray had decided to not re-audition to be a trainee mc of one of the s-pop channels, mostly because he believed he would be dragged into the same show again out of convenience, even though he would like to try out different show concepts as well, but also because he no longer just wanted to be the kt trainee who was with the company for several years now and just knew how to wear a wig and pretend to be an ahjumma. it was better to step away from an image he didn't wanted to personify, when he still had the chance to. and besides, other trainees deserved a chance to show their sense for variety too.

that being said, he wondered if he was going to miss his newly found routine of recording the show every week, and if his body would notice the change, when he didn't get to lay down on the couch in the midst of day. today's guest though ripped him from his thoughts in the form of seunghwan or better known as kang joon. the friend who was a member of the boygroup called de:code, had caught gray backstage, shortly after putting on his costume. his laughter at the sight of the older man let him smile, as he knew too well what kind of effect he had on others. being the reason to bring out some happy laughter wasn't even that bad, gray actually liked it, but in this case he just felt like establishing a variety based character before even getting the chance to showcase his real abilities, his musical abilities.

the boygroup was called on position, while gray got himself ready and laid himself down on the set up couch, in the red dress he had worn throughout most episodes. it was entertaining to watch his friend from the back, as the other was as teasing and playful as before which caused him to make several mistakes and get punished with funny looking hats or colourful lipstick application. their task was to cook samyeopsal and when one roll was ready, kang joon snatched it away from his member's hand (he was the oldest hyung after all) he fed it to gray. what a touching way to interact with the mom that has fallen asleep.

[rkgray]

// last episode

KTs BLACK KNIGHT Lee Seonghwa alias GRAY S-Pop "After Mom Is Asleep" Guest: Unit Black's Jinseok and Sunghyun

the very last episode. to know there was an end waiting for this chapter of his traineeship, was somewhat sad and relieving at the same time. even when feeling like this was one of the few bigger things he got to do within his almost 4 years with kt, he had gotten used to fool around a little and take breaks from regular training. gray was sure that he would feel sad for a little while, despite letting go of this on his own account, but then again he could finally return to his old days, to the days when he was just gray. the rapper, the producer and songwriter. it would be better this way.

new auditions had already taken place and when august was over, he would no longer be the trainee mc for "after mom is asleep". walking into the changing room, he put on the wig that was his for several months now and slipped into the red flowery dress. he mustered his mirror reflection that was a short buff man in an aunty get up for a moment. it was a sight he would probably never see again and gray thought back to all the moments, all guests and experiences he got to make through the show. sure, compared to other shows, his didn't involved him a lot, but he still got to make some good connections.

a little excited he got back to the set and prepared himself like usual, which meant that he would splay himself down and wait for the guests to come in and introduce themselves in a whispering manner. today he was the mom of just two sons which made the whole episode more comfortable. increasing his own sense of mischief, he commented on unit black's mistakes, and tried to get them out of concept whenever there was a chance. it was like he was freed from all burdens in the last episode of his and that made him brighten up.

when the the recording was finished, gray got up and thanked the guests for coming as usual. but this time around he personally walked around and said goodbye to every staff member and thanked them for their hard work and for taking care of him. this was his last goodbye.

[rkgray]

// music is healing | gray solo

to get out of the repetitive flow of days and to get his headspace away from all the stifling thoughts regarding his musical future, he had decided to go out and join the in saturday busking session that was announced for the outdoor event which was taking place in the yeouido hangang park. bol4 was a group he had admired since long and even, when the music sessions wouldn't be able to compare with meeting them in real life like it had happened for him before, but he was curious as how things would go for the event. and besides, it was not like he had a musical session when meeting them before, so he was even more curious as an musician and not as s-pop mom.

until the music session would start, he went out on his free saturday to attend the main event that involved several sports activities like bicycling or swan paddling or mini games at carnival booths, but the producer wasn't quite interested. he wasn't in a mood to interact a lot with others, nor did he wanted to wear himself out in the summer heat which was why he went without an accompanying friend. in the intention to just wasting a little of his time by wandering around before the busking session started, he finally settled down on the cool grass underneath the shades of a tree to drink some water. the weather was great, cloudless, blue sky, sunshine and actually there was nothing to complain about, though he still wasn't in his best mood. hopefully it would increase at the start of the awaited music session.

as the night fell and paper lanterns lit up the park location, gray found his way to the artists he had waited for all day long. with a smile on his face he sat there in awe, part of a big audience, as he closed his eyes, just taking in the beautiful voice and the soothing melodies. music was healing after all.