#grayfriend

[iwannaban0nym0us]

Y’all I’m so excited! I’m about to go to my first pride :D also my grayfriend will be there so that’s awesome 

[fenris-the-protector-blog]

Relationships with GN

So, I recently began dating my best friend of about ten years who is gender neutral. For a bit, I was hesitant on what to call them, as they are biologically a female, but 'girlfriend' just sounds wrong. Then my spirit guide, who is usually quiet besides chipping in his two cents, tells me that I should call them my grayfriend. Since they fall into both and yet neither category. Well played, guide of mine, well played. Either way, I love them, and life is good. 💙

[iwannaban0nym0us]

next up on interesting things that happen in my friend group:

4 of us trying to get everyone else to ask out their crush while trying to avoid asking out our crushes

The rest of them know that their crush likes them back while I have no clue if my crush likes enbies, let alone ambiam enbies already in one relationship

One of them danced with their crush at the dance (after a lot of convincing) and has a picnic set up with her, yet still won't like actually ask her out

One of them has a crush on a guy in the grade above us and the other 2 are confident he likes them back but they deny it and are saying that they're cool with being friends and just want the crush to go away

The other one know that her crush likes her back (and asked ^ if she's single) but won't do aaaaannyyyyything

Then there's me, I'm working on becoming decent friends with this guy, we're classmates and teammates but we rarely talk outside of school (we don't have any classes together this semester) soccer (even though we're on different teams we kinda practice together in the winter) and robotics (we're on different sub teams). I've been trying to strike up conversation with him on discord and get to know him better but we're never online at the same time. Also my grayfriend is wingmaning me and helping me to figure out if he's queer.

[iwannaban0nym0us]

vent-ish post

so my boyfriend broke up with me and my partner today

the funny thing is we were both considering breaking up with him but hadn't discussed it with anyone until after he broke up with us. I had been thinking about talking about it with my grayfriend but since we were both dating them I didn't want to make it weird if my grayfriend didn't feel the same way.

I don't really know how to feel now, my first reaction was shock like "oh this is happening now" because I'd been thinking about it a fair amount but didn't really see it coming like today.

within an hour of it happening I ended up telling several of my friends and they all were supportive and gave me hugs. I reassured one of them who's in the same friend group as me and my ex that we're still friends and won't mess with the group dynamic. For 2 of my other friends I dropped in a conversation that I have 1 partner and they were like 'wait, what?' and then I ran off and they chased me and I told them what happened.

also this is my first break up ever, since he was my first boyfriend and second partner (my grayfriend was first), so I'm just like 'so how am I supposed to be reacting to this?'

[iwannaban0nym0us]

Guys should I ask my metamour out? I’ve been debating this question for over a week now, and have had the possibility of asking it out in mind for more than a month. My grayfriend (partner) says I should. Star’s vear boyfriend and it’s really cute. idk if I’m ready for 2 realtionships though, I think I am but idk.

any advice?

[iwannaban0nym0us]

So this was going to be a vent post but now that I've got the time to write it the problem's been solved, I'm still gonna write it though.

So why my night wasn't so good is that I was complaining to my grayfriend about how sexual my history hw was and then vae just shut me down and the way vae pharsed things made me feel like my being sex repulsed is a bad thing and there was something wrong with me. This wasn't the first time that vae had made me feel that way either, vae also brought it up another time when vae was really anxious. it basically all boiled down to both of our tempers running high, miscommunication, and vaer anxiety. We both know what the other was trying to say now

[iwannaban0nym0us]

I-I-I’m gonna break up with my grayfriend, and I’m gonna do it really really soon

We’ve been dating over a year but lately I’ve been questioning if I’m still happy with the relationship and today I finally accepted that it’s time to end the relationship

I can’t believe I’m finally doing this, it’s both a happy and a sad kind of surprise

I really do think this is the best choice for me, I just, wow

It took me sitting down with the school counselor today and her making me actually think about what I want, instead of doing my usual thing of caring about everyone else more than myself

I really needed to hear her say that what is best for me is to break up with them before I was willing to except it

There never is gonna be a good time to fix our relationship and they’re always gonna have the next issue and I just need to end it now before they drag me down with them

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ok so this afternoon’s been a shitshow so this is probably gonna be a really long and emotional vent post

ok, before i get into everything from today i need to do a bit of a recap of the last like 3 weeks. So lately there has been a lot of school work to stay on top of, which i’ve managed but it took like all of my energy so i put most of my focus into that, actually before i go any further into that we need to back up to like last spring

so last spring there was something going on with a friend of mine and my grayfriend’s, and my grayfriend is closer to this person so them a bunch of mutual friends and my metamour (my grayfriend’s other partner who i’m just friends with) were all in on this thing (which i still don’t know what is btw) and so for like at least a week i put up with being surrounded by whispers about something i wasn’t allowed to know anything about at some point i snapped and (kindly) asked my partner for some space so that i wouldn’t be surrounded by all that anymore, they didn’t react very well to this and their response was basically ‘ok, but what about me needing you to support me while i process our friend’s shit’ so yeah that's when all our problems started to surface

so maybe a day after that conversation they got covid, so i didn’t see them, and because they had covid they didn’t go on the school trip the following week, then the next 2 weeks were musical tech week (which takes like all of their energy and mental space) + my metamour was dealing with some shit that they were helping with, after all of that was over it was summer break and our schedules did not line up at all so we basically didn’t see each other dueing that

now at the start of the school year it’s been like 3 months since this issue and we have not talked about it so we go into this school year basically pretending nothing happened and kinda trying to resume our relationship where we paused it

from then until the past 3 weeks there wasn’t really anything big just a couple of little instances of them just not understanding me and how i feel about my transitions or how soccer affects my life

alright now back to the past 3 weeks, one of the big school things that kept me very focused on school is this bio lab, and ofc my grayfriend is in my bio class and they don’t really have any friends in the class (while I do) and so ofc they kinda pressure me into being their partner for the lab ( i mean i agreed fairly quickly but still) we’ll come back to this later.

anyway lately my grayfriend has had a lot going on, there was this online bullying incident between them and another kid at our school that happened at the end of last year and still hasn’t gotten resolved (i feel like there’s another piece of bad news about this every week), their dog’s health just keeps deteriorating and there's often something going on with my metamour and on top of all of that their grandfather is dying, basically he needs a surgery that could kill him or he will die, and with all of the (especially the grandfather thing) i just can’t add on

now the past couple of weeks all the little things and everything from last year have been bothering me so i’ve been semi-intentionally distancing myself from them, partly because i need space and partly because their reaction to being overwhelmed is needing to have as little stimulation as possible and mine is needing to be surrounded by my very loud and energetic friends so that their energy rubs off on me

now my friends keep telling me i need to talk to my grayfriend and honestly i agree that we need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to fix our relationship, but i didn’t start to realize that until the bio lab started. here is where the bio partnership starts to become a problem for the whole lab (which we turned in today) i haven’t been able to tell them any of this shit because school comes first and i knew that if i fucked up our relationship during this lab it would also fuck up how we worked together, we ended up working perfectly well together on the lab but in exchange for that i boxed up all my feelings and set them nicely to the side and tried to ignore them as they struggled to get out of the box

originally my plan was to tell them everything either today or next week but that plan went out the window now that they’re dealing with their grandfather being on the brink of death because i just can’t add onto that that’s hard enough as is

so today everything kinda hit, the morning was chill normal whatever, but once i hit lunch things started to fall apart, at lunch once i finished eating i put my headphones in turned on some music and sat down to do a last read over of our bio lap report because they weren’t able to finish their part until late last night and i was tired as fuck and wasn’t gonna stay up to read it. i was starting to feel kinda out of it then so i decided to keep my headphones in and my music playing (which i almost never do at school) and see if that helped to keep me centered. I manged to make it through the rest of the afternoon by passing off my falling apart as being really tired (i kinda believed it myself honestly) thinking back on it now the worst part of those afternoon classes was the fact that i had my headphones in (which i never do) and was acting kinda out of it and kinda out of character during bio and my grayfriend either had no fucking clue or didn’t give a shit, i really fucking hope it was the former.

After school i went to a club with some of friends and that was chill but i had to leave a bit early to go to tutoring which was fine, we pretty much just ran over feedback on a couple of assignments that i turned in recently

after that i went to find my friends to hang out with for a bit and i found 2 of my friends, one i’m close with and who knows about all of this shit, and one who’s just a random friend, they were sitting on the floor eating cheese and bread. my close friend told me to sit down and join them, so i did. we pretty quickly started to talk about the shit with my grayfriend and i filled them in on the fact that lab partners will be assigned by the teacher for the next lab and that we can submit people we do/don’t want to work with, then we talked more about that shit while be interrupted ever so often by our other friend being comic relief and doing funny shit (unintentionally). at some point during this conversation one of my best friends, who also happens to be my grayfriend’s ex and is very informed on all the shit going on, came over and joined us and we filled them in on the conversation so far. eventually the conversation got back around to bio lab partners and i remembered that i should fill out the thing about that, but then i decided that it would be easier just to have an irl conversation with my bio teacher. so ofc i ran up to the third floor to see if she was at her desk, ofc she wasn’t, so i went back to my friends to chill with them until coffee house started

so for context coffee house is this thing my school host in the courtyard twice a year that’s like a chill night of music and poems and it’s really calm and mellow and a couple of my friends preformed in it and another friend read a poem during it

as it was getting close to the start time we went out into the courtyard to get some seats and some snacks and in the back of the snack line i find none other than my bio teacher, so i pull her aside and ask her to please not pair me up with my grayfriend and to please not tell them i said that she reassures me that she won’t and that that wasn’t gonna be an option anyway since shes not going to keep any of the pairs from the last lab, which is a huge relief because it means bio won’t be my excuse/road block from talking with them anymore and i won’t have to make the decision of if i should prioritize our relationship or a bio lab.

so we sit down for the music and it’s great and all at first, but at this point i’m already barely holding it together, and i’ve already hit the point where my (very strong and constantly held) facade has broken down enough that my friends can easily visually tell something is up, the reason my facade breaks at this point is because up until this point i was using school as a coping mechanism because it gives me something to focus on and i always have the next assignment to plan out the next thing to work though in my head the thing to keep my wheels turning in a productive way, but starting tomorrow i have a 6 day weekend (including sat & sun) so i have plenty of time for my hw so that constant process of planing ahead just kinda shut down

now the music is great and i’m enjoying it and the preformers are great and it’s all going well until we hit about the fourth love song in a row and at this point i start to break, my brain is turning on the shit between me and grayfriend and i can’t get it to shut-up at some point i (a person who does not cry around people) start to cry and i just cant stop it so i just put my head down and hope the people who i don’t know as well don’t notice what’s going on. after the end of that song i consider going inside but then i see my friends stepping onto the stage so i wipe my eyes and pretend everything is fine

i make it through another 4-5 love songs before the feeling comes back again and that time i’m fucking done and i get up and go inside through a side door once i’m inside i pretty quickly wipe aside the tears and regain some semblance of composure so i wander down the hallway and see that the door to the shop is open and it sounds like someone is in there, so i peak my head in and find that the shop manager is in there machining something and since i need a distraction and i’m a shop kid and i know him pretty well i ask him what he’s up to and, as one does, he tells me that his friend who’s a laser physicist needs some super parallel things so he’s making them for him. we talk a little more after that about the performances and then i wander off and end up going back outside pretty quickly.

after that i manage to make it till the intermission when i get a chance to talk to my friends again. i’m barely holding it together at this point so i fairly quickly agree that setting up a meeting with the school counselor (who my best friend knows well) is a good idea. so we go to look for the counselor and my best friend drags me up to her and she tells me that she’s not working rn and that i should send her an email to set up a meeting for next week. so we head back inside. i barely have time to open my laptop before i see my friend get up stage and hear them start a poem so we rush back outside and sit back down.

I am able to make it through almost half of this half of the performances before i start to shut to shut down again and i feel the tears start to come and i just cant stop them so i tap my close friend on the leg and i rush inside again. and i just like collapse against the wall and let the tears come

at this point i’m having a full on fucking break down all the thoughts, like do i want to break up with them, when was the last time we kissed, why do i care about them so much, they all just fucking go out the window and my brain goes empty no thoughts just tears.

not to much later my close friend comes in joins me and there just kinda there for me and let me cry and talk me through shit a little, at some point i recover enough and we walk over to my laptop and sit down and actually write the email to the counselor (which i had forgotten about at this point) so hopefully thurs/fri next week i will be able to meet with her

after a bit they realize they’re thirsty but don’t want to go back outside to get their waterbottle and at this point i’m doing ok enough that i offer to go out and get it for them, so while i’m doing that i say hi to my best friend and quickly whisper to them that i’m not staying outside and that had a break down and then i go back inside

then me and my close friend wander over to a quieter place and continue our conversation until a bit later my best friend joins us and they ask our mutual close friend to tell them how i’m actually doing. and after that they suggest that i should make playlist for when i feel like this and mention that they already have one for this exact situation that’s on their spotifiy so then we go trade spotifies and we talk a bit more about how i’m doing and both of my friends tell me that they will actually respond if i text them (they’re both bad at responding to messages) and then i have to leave and go home

so yeah, rn it’s after midnight and i’m sitting on my bed in the dark wishing i could cry again and listening to my best friend’s playlist from when they were going through their awful break up with my grayfriend and it’s so painfully funny how they’re helping me through almost same thing they went through like 2 years ago