Gonna ramble about acespec stuff/demisexuality for a minute here, ignore if you want.
The definition I always see of demisexuality is that sexual attraction only comes with emotional connection. I constantly see people belittling this like it's everyone's experience to not want to have sex until the third date (which is obviously not true) but it's also not just that.
At least for me It's more than just not wanting to have sex, it's literally not feeling sexual attraction. It's possible to feel sexual attraction and not want to have sex, and it's also possible to not feel sexual attraction but want to have sex because its sort of a fun activity.
Maybe what I'm talking about isn't demisexuality, might be something else under the ace umbrella, but it's something I've struggled with for a long time and I'm kind of only putting words to it now. I enjoy having sex and doing kink, but those activities aren't always sexual in nature for me, and I don't know how to explain that. Sex and kink are fun games to play, but often it can feel like giving someone a massage just with more taunting or playfulness.
I like to make people feel good and I like to play games but doing that doesn't always result in me being aroused or wanting to get off. I have no problem with my partner feeling arousal, it's only an issue when I'm expected to feel arousal and it's a problem if I dont. Its not something I feel a need to change about myself, because I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I still have a fun time doing stuff, I think its just a different kind of fun.
There's a similar thing with consuming nsfw media for me. It seems like the expectation is that if you're reading smut the intent is to get off but thats so far from my experience. I like reading smut because there can be some really cool storytelling and dynamics in a sex scene. I like looking at nsfw art because its full of interesting textures and posing, and an incredible amount of storytelling for a static image that may not even have text.
Sometimes something is hot, like its a good idea, I like it, but its not arousing. That doesn't make it less enjoyable or less hot, it's just not something that causes a feeling I experience as sexual.
Idk it's just something I've been thinking about lately. Seems like a lot of people assume that engaging with sexual behaviour or sexual material means you're looking for sexual feelings or arousal, and that might even be true for a lot of people but its definitely not my experience.
Also just to be clear- theres nothing wrong with doing any of that for the sole purpose of getting off. Theres nothing inherently moral or amoral about sex or arousal, it's just a thing some people do.
