Oh the week I've had
I don't even really know where to start. But I guess I will start here.
So Wednesday 10/30/13, as I was paying bills, I realized that my savings account would be gone after I paid bills for December. I freaked out, I graduate in December, I need to find a full-time job.
But then I realized, I don't have money to apply for grad school. I don't have money to take the GRE. I hardly will have enough money to pay my bills, rent, and car payment. FUCK. So I came to the heartbreaking conclusion that I would have to postpone grad school by almost 2 years.
I called my mom crying. All she could do was apologize. My family doesn't have money, my dad's job just got temporarily shut down because his bosses decided not to follow government guidelines. My sister doesn't have a job so my parents have to give her money while she is in college. So that leaves me with absolutely paying for everything on my own, with a part time job....
So putting grad school off seemed like the only option. It's practical, and I fancy myself a pragmatist, although a rather pessimistic pragmatist at this moment. Let's just forget that it is my dream and I can't picture my life without it. But whatever, money rules this world right?
And also the reaction from my mom just further proved that my family doesn't understand my passion.
That night, I wrote my theory professor, who also helps me with grad school stuff, and told him that I needed to postpone grad school. He emailed me back and said I needed to meet with him.
On Halloween, I went to meet with him. As he closed his office door, I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and said without any prompt, "Amanda, the field and career path you are going into is hard. You are going to have to sacrifice a lot of things. It is competitive. It is long. It is hard. But do you want to know what is harder? Graduating with your BA. Taking time off, "saving money," and then not going to grad school. Being stuck in a job you hate for the next 55+ years. That is worse, much worse."
He continued to tell me how although he has only had me in his class this semester, he knows that I will get in. He is confident that I will get some type of funding to go to grad school, if not get it all paid for. And he insists that I go, and I go now. All the while, he reassures me that he is not lying and would not lie to me about such a huge decision in my life. And I know this is true because he is trying to steer another student away from grad school right now, because he doesn't feel like a Ph D in Religious Studies is the right place for this guy.
I leave his office even more confused and annoyed because not only did he just reaffirm that I need to go to grad school, but we didn't really come up with a conclusion as to how I am going to get money to apply for all these things.
As I am walking down the hallway with a my professor's coffee mug (which I forgot was in my hand,) I see our department secretary. I explained to her the situation, crying... naturally. As I take a bite of chocolate, she looks at me and says she is going to loan me the money. I almost choke.
In all reality, the amount isn't that much. But when I have to have the money now, there was no way I could have it in time.
So after I thank her so much and am just sitting in the department office in shock, I finally get up and speak with the chair for the department.
And he says the exact same thing as the other professor. This road is a tough one. It is so very hard. Not everybody is made for it. It isn't about intelligence, but about knowing your end goal. He told me so many stories about his fellow colleagues in their Ph D programs, simply drop the program. They got burnt out, their endurance had vanished. All because they didn't have a goal. They were incredibly smart and had the mental capacity to finish the program. Yet, they no longer had any drive. He looks at me and says he has every ounce of faith that I can do it.
These people are really the only support I have in this endeavor. My friends support me, but many of them don't fully understand how much this all really means. My family hardly gets it. They love me and want what's good for me, but I feel like they don't understand what is right for me. But my professors, the ones that have been through this. The ones that have had to defend themselves to their family and friends, they are the ones that are my biggest support system.
And I am so, so, so, so, soooooo thankful that I picked this path. That I have met the people that I have met, that I have "brown nosed" my way into friendships with professors (even though I don't find it brown nosing, but my fellow colleagues make fun of me.) I am so thankful that I am sticking with this.
As Dr. Williams said, there will be a lot of tears shed during this adventure, but it will be worth it.
So, it looks like I am going to continue on this path. I am going to continue to be extremely poor for at least the next 6 years. It is a good thing I have never wanted to do this for the money.
But the story that I just told, that is why I am going to do this. For one day, I hope to push a student like my professors have, I hope to support a student as my professors have, and I hope to create a passion for a student, just as my professors have.