54 or 64 or 74 for the drabbles! whichever sparks joy 💕
74. "I didn't mean what I said."
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Are you? In love with Eddie?
Buck feels pretty good about the way he handled Maddie’s accusation. He wasn’t angry and he didn’t bite back, even though there was a small part of him that wanted to do just that. He just made sure she knew the status quo.
Are you? In love with Eddie?
If her words still ring in his ears hours later, it means nothing. It means nothing because it isn’t true.
He feels good about the way he handled it.
He feels good, all the way up until Eddie FaceTimes him the next morning.
Buck hasn’t told anyone—and he’s pretty sure Eddie hasn’t, either—but they do this every day. It wasn’t a decision. It’s not like they sat down and made a schedule.
It just…happened. It developed.
And then suddenly, Eddie’s been in Texas for a month, and they have a routine. Eddie calls every morning, Buck calls every night. At least one of them calls throughout the day, if not both of them.
Eddie is in Texas and Buck is in California, but they talk at least three times a day. It never quite heals the gaping wound inside of Buck, but it does stem the bleeding. It’s enough; it has to be.
Are you? In love with Eddie?
Buck was confident in his denial when Maddie asked. He knew the answer.
And then Eddie FaceTimes, and Buck answers the call to see that he hasn’t even rolled out of bed yet. His face is still half-buried in a white pillow, his brow furrowed as he squints at the phone screen. The moment he sees Buck, his expression smooths out, a sleepy smile lighting up the room better than the sun ever could.
“Hey,” Eddie murmurs, his voice still hoarse and rough from sleep.
Buck’s heart thumps.
He stares at Eddie—the soft, hazy quality of him, his terrible bedhead, the gentle curl of his smile, just the hint of his deep brown eyes—
Buck stares, sick to his stomach with guilt as he thinks, I denied you.
He’s important enough to Eddie for Eddie to call every single morning without fail, because Eddie knows that he’s been left before and the people who did that to him never bothered to stay in touch. He’s important enough that Eddie called this morning before he’d ever rolled out of bed.
He’s important to Eddie. He matters to Eddie. And Buck—he—
And for what? Because he didn’t want to be a cliche? Because a hopeless, unrequited love would hurt?
He’s done it before. He’s loved harder and deeper and more than anyone has ever loved him.
He’s had to survive the pain of unequal love his whole life. He could survive it again; he just didn’t want to. He’d been a coward.
All those people he loved, people who didn’t care about him—not truly—but Eddie is the one he denies? Eddie, who deserves to be loved that hard. Eddie, who even if he can’t love Buck back, cares about him.
Eddie deserves everything. He deserves more.
And Buck denied him.
Are you? In love with Eddie?
Buck’s very foundation, the core of who he is, starts to shake. It’s worse than any earthquake he’s ever experienced; even worse than the one that hit LA just weeks after he met Eddie. Everything inside him starts to crumble.
The soft, hazy quality to Eddie falls away immediately. He frowns, sitting up in bed as he rubs sleep from his eye.
“What is it?” He asks. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
Buck shakes his head, hoping that the camera doesn’t pick up on the quiver of his lips or the way his eyes have started to threaten tears.
God, he’s so stupid.
“Nothing,” he whispers. “Nothing, I just—I—”
His voice dies suddenly. There are so many ways he could finish that sentence.
I denied you.
I don’t deserve you.
I—
Buck rubs a hand over his face, shaking his thoughts loose.
“Nightmare,” he says, smiling weakly.
It doesn’t even feel like a lie. Life very much feels like a nightmare right now.
Eddie’s face softens and Buck’s heart thumps again, harder than before.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Buck shakes his head.
“Distract me?” He asks instead.
And because Buck matters—because he’s important—Eddie does.
Between them, Buck is usually the talker. He’s the one that recounts every little detail of his day, that has a series of fun facts to share when there’s a lull from countless late night deep dives. Most of the time, Eddie is content to listen and chime in when necessary.
Today, Eddie cares the brunt of the conversation as they go through their morning routines together. Buck isn’t even sure what they talk about; he spends the entire time staring at Eddie’s profile and trying to remember to breathe.
Are you? In love with Eddie?
I denied you.
When Eddie finally, reluctantly hangs up, Buck calls Maddie. The knot of guilt choking his insides won’t loosen until he makes this right.
The call connects, but Buck doesn’t even give her a chance to say anything.
“I didn’t mean it,” he blurts out. “Last night…I didn’t mean what I said.”
Maddie is silent for a long moment.
“Are you ready to talk about it now?” She asks gently.
Buck squeezes his eyes shut. The pain has already begun; it probably started when he answered Eddie’s call.
But he can survive this. He has before. He’s done it for people who didn’t deserve it half as much.
He can do it for Eddie.
Are you? In love with Eddie?
It wouldn’t be so crazy.
Are you?
“Yes.”