FA(spec)Q
(a.k.a. I’m terrible at answering asks, so I’ll try to answer the most common questions here)
I have tried to make this readable, but if you struggle with anything for whatever reason, feel free to ask me (just remember that I’m usually busy and don’t always have the spoons to answer).
Please also bear in mind that I can only speak about my own experiences and what I’ve learned through my years in the aspec community. I can’t speak for the entire community or give any kind of “professional” advice
Different Identities and Terms
What does aromantic/ demiromantic/ quoiromantic/ [other aspec term] mean?
You can find most terms on the aro wikia or in glossaries like this one by @arospecawarenessweek
What kind of arospec identities are there?
Again, glossaries are your best friend
Why are there so many different arospec identities?
Idk, why are there so many different people on this earth? Evolution, probably
Questioning
Am I aromantic/arospec? What even is romance??
Very good question, please tell me if you find out.
Okay, seriously - everyone has a different view on what defines a romantic relationship/what distinguishes romantic relationships e.g. from friendships. Things typically associated with romance include e.g. wanting to date someone, wanting to kiss/be physically and emotionally close to someone, a certain amount of jealousy towards other (potential) partner(s), …
A good place to start would be to think about what you would consider as romantic. If you don’t feel a desire to do “romantic things” with someone, there’s probably a good chance that you’re aro.
If you’re still not sure about what romance is or your feelings fluctuate or you do get crushes, but very rarely/weakly/don’t actually want your crush to reciprocate, you might be arospec.
Also, squishes (= platonic crushes) exist and they may feel very similar to regular crushes (including butterflies etc.), but lacking the “romantic” element. Attraction that is neither platonic or romantic is called alterous (= a desire to be (emotionally) close to someone, but not in a romantic or simple “friendship” way)
What if I change my mind later?
That’s totally okay! People change constantly in little (and sometimes big) ways. If you identify with aro/greyro/... right now, it is perfectly valid to choose a label based on that. If you find out more about yourself and eventually realize a different label fits better or feels more comfortable, that’s great! We’re all still learning about ourselves
What if I’m just faking it?
First of all, faking something requires intention - if you’re worrying about this, you are very obviously not intentionally faking something.
I also don’t believe in people “faking” an attraction for attention. Being part of a minority always comes with a certain amount of stress (literal minority stress) and aspec people (both aro and ace) are often dehumanized. Yeah, being aspec and part of the community also has some advantages - but I don’t think someone would consciously decide to both repress their actual feelings and pretend to be part of a minority that still faces discrimination. There are much easier ways to feel special
How do you know you’re greyro, though? Where is the line between being arospec and alloromantic (= non-arospec)?
Well, it’s a spectrum, so there is no real “line” - no maximum amount of crushes per year or anything. Imagine the colour spectrum between blue and red. There’s no way to say exactly where the red/reddish colour stops and the blueish tones begin - but you would still call a colour close to red “red(dish)” and one close to blue “blue(ish)”, so there is a definite difference.
Now, how to tell where you fall on that spectrum? I would say, read about arospec experiences and see if you can relate to them. Think about how you experience attraction and what you want in a relationship (if you want one). Maybe try out the label for a bit (in your own head, with a trusted friend, online, whatever) and see if you’re comfortable with it.
In the end, you know yourself best. A label is just a word trying to describe a myriad of very complex experiences. If you relate to arospec experiences and feel comfortable calling yourself aro/arospec/greyro/..., that’s great! If you prefer a different label or no label at all, that’s okay too. You do you (and remember - you have time. There is no need to decide right away if you’re not sure)
Crushes (and squishes)
Am I still aromantic/greyromantic if I get crushes?
You can definitely still be on the aro spectrum! Many greyros/aspecs get crushes on other people, though they are usually infrequent or weak or can’t be clearly identified as a crush. Also, “aro” can be used as an umbrella term for the spectrum - so if you are on the aro spectrum, but prefer to simply call yourself aromantic, go ahead
I’m not sure if I have a crush or not
See “Am I aromantic/arospec? What even is romance??” above. Also, here are a few questions that helped me:
Would you rather date or be best friends with your crush? Or would both be equally nice? (Friend crushes - called “squishes” - definitely exist and can be just as intense)
Would it/does it make you happy if/when your crush called you his girlfriend/boyfriend/something similar?
Do you get jealous when you think your crush might be into someone else?
Do you feel like other people get crushes quite a lot more often than you do or feel more strongly/just plain different about them?
Is “romance” in general important to you? And could you actually imagine being with a specific other person in a romantic way (whatever that includes for you - dating, kissing, dinners, little gifts, …) for a length of time?
Final words
I am no expert. I am simply a greyromantic ace college student trying her best. My experiences are far from universal and I am not qualified to give any kind of health advice. I will try my best to help, but it may take some time (i.e. several weeks) depending on what else is going on.
That being said, if you still have questions, feel free to send an ask or a message
