#greysdiary

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02.07.2021

i really don't think i want to love again or even begin to try. it's not that i can't, just that i don't want to ever love someone that much for it to not work out. once you truly love someone unconditionally, you can't just turn that off and i think you know best what that feels like. it's always there. it's always in the back of your mind.

and i think that's the worst part. i think that's why you turn yourself off. because if you can't turn that love off, something just gotta go in its place.

i still think of you. the hurting isn't as bad anymore. but i still want to see you again. that's the shitty part, after all this time, i still want to see you again.

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My Best Mistake

Đột nhiên anh trở thành tất cả mọi thứ mà tôi muốn thương.

1. Anh thích biển.

2. Ghét ngày sinh nhật và những điều bất ngờ.

3. Thích được xoa lưng.

4. Thích ôm. Ôm bằng cả 2 tay. Rất chặt.

5. Anh ghét lèm bèm. Gặp nhau chỉ muốn vui vẻ.

6. Anh vô cùng kiệm lời và mặt lạnh tanh mọi lúc.

7. Nhưng khi nhõng nhẽo lại rất dễ thương.

8. Anh không ăn tiết canh. 

9. Chỉ ngủ quạt. Nằm máy lạnh sẽ bị khô mũi. 

10. Không có khái niệm chúc ngủ ngon. Đang nhắn tin sẽ ngủ luôn. Đến sáng sẽ tiếp tục câu chuyện. Hoặc không. 

11. Đang chạy xe rất thích quay lại đằng sau bảo: “Hôn anh đi.” 

12. Thơm 

13. Có nốt ruồi ở mi mắt trên và dưới. Trông buồn. Tôi thấy rất đẹp.

14. Tắm xong sẽ để tóc ướt đi ngủ. 

15. Anh thích ăn cay. Ăn vô cùng cay.

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14.04.2022

we had our first trip to Phu Quoc. i guess it's also in time for us to celebrate our first month together. i would never forget these past few days. you took care of me like i'm a delicate thing... after such a long time trying to prove myself strong, trying to subdue my needs for love just because i was afraid they would see me as a burden, how lovely it is to feel like a delicate thing...

i never thought i'd get to be loved like that. i thought i was hard to love, until you make it seems so easy.

we tangled in pillows and blanket. we kissed till our lips burn. your hand trailing along my body, getting in between my thighs, and oh god, my body trembled like i was touched the first time.

we made love on the sofa, in the bed. we laughed naked in the bathroom. you helped me wash, dress, folded my clothes. you hugged me tight with a big towel after i got out of the shower. you kissed my forehead and looked at me like i was the only one left in this entire world.

falling asleep and waking up with you... we made love in the morning, sleepy and messy. with giggles and hushes.

you seep so easily into my bloodstream, as if these veins are built just for you. maybe they are, built just for you.

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01.04.2022

we came across each other unexpectedly on the 3rd of February. it was right after Tet, the change in the air was still fresh. a freshness of a new beginning. the conversations flowed like a river; slow, deep, and so strong. i didn't know what it was but i was feeling de javu. i swore i felt you in my memory. like i'd seen you in my dreams... maybe in another time I loved you...

when you told me you loved me in that park on a cool spring night. for the first time in my life, i didn't see someone as temporary. when you held my hands, i saw the future of us. when our laughs chimed in with the rustling of leaves, i felt safe and happy and that i have a best friend who loves me.

day by day, I let you in — slowly, cautiously, almost afraid to let anything slip past my consciousness. there is so much of you to love and not enough time to absorb it all. i want you to sink into my pores so I can carry you everywhere ― in smell of my clothes, the touch of my hand, the sound of my voice.

be with me, always. i'm here to stay for a long time.

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02.01.2022

we met again. you got yourself a bike. a new apartment with a view overlooking the city and a separate kitchen. and a new job that pays more money. just like how you told me you would. i'm happy for you.

sitting at the back of your bike, roaming through the streets with the sun setting above my eyes. the colors of blue, lilac and orange dancing so beautifully it hurt. i felt the wind blowing across my face, and the warmth of you...

and we drank. talked. laughed into the night. like we used to do. like all of those passing months were nothing between us.

we talked about family. the prospect of the future. the presence. and you asked me "do you think that i can date?"

my heart stopped a beat. and words tumbled on my tongues like i just learned how to speak yesterday. was my heart nothing but a hostile testing ground to you? is there a word that describes how deeply you took me for granted? your cigarettes smoke crawled its way up my lungs. you always leave me charred.

can you hear my skeleton creak under all these feelings? they feel like a burden.

leave, before my inability to hold this burden ends up burdening you. no stammering apologies needed, no tears, no lingering looks of "but there’s so much left to say."

go, before you force me to change my mind and make you stay.

may my blackened pages remind me how not to rip myself into two, again...

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01.01.2022

you texted me on the 1st of Jan. and we met by accident at a cafe i went to often.

"it was destiny." you said cheerfully.

was it?

i looked at you. i looked at you and it hurt all over again.

my fingers tremble with surprising violence as i attempt to reflect upon how you left me. words will only amplify an injury too deep for poetry.

and i fall back. how easy it is to fall back to dangerous comfort.

you are a nasty habit i have almost kicked, a cruel disease I have almost cured, a shabby book i have almost finished, a deep scar that has almost healed. almost.

and i wait impatiently for the inevitable healing.

but i wanted to meet you again... and that would be the death of me.

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24.12.2021

on that hot morning on Christmas's Eve, i felt a chill in my spine when you walked in. that same walk. same voice.

"Hello, it's been a long time..." I said.

you reached out your hand and intuitively i did too. and you pulled me in. i hate it how just one brief hug dragged me down to where i was. i felt tears at the back of my eyes. it tore my heart out saying hello to you...

and now, my heart weeps. because i remember. i remember everything.

my throat houses a lump whenever thoughts of you cross my mind, the same mind that is slowly, hesitantly wiping away all traces of you. i do not have a choice in this.

i didn't know how much i have been missing you. till i met you again.

oh God please... help...

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23.06.2021

how amazing it is, that exactly a month has passed and nothing has changed and everything has changed.

i still remember you. what you like and what you don't like. what cracks you up and what makes you fall silence. what you said too much and what you didn't say enough. what makes you happy and what makes you angry.

but the sad thing about it is that i remember it.

i don't want to remember you, big flower. it hurts too much for too long.

is this love? or just an infatuation i couldn't shake off. i've been trying to ask myself. what was it that you had that made me fall in love with you? but the answer is as confusing as my own thoughts, it was everything, and nothing at the same time.

i'm very tired. my heart is so heavy. it's like torture. i think i'm losing it. i look at you, photos on the screen, i look at you, and i love you so much. not because of anything you've said, or done, or anything at all. i look at you, and i just love you, and it terrifies me. it terrifies me what i would do for you.

please... tell me i'm not crazy.