#griefchoked

[portectorisms]

@griefchoked​ said: "are you really going to continue with this insanity?" | from this meme | Accepting.

Was he? Was he going to let every ounce of internal struggle, every emotion he did not show, every trail of guilt and manipulation, push him forward down this path he's already been on for longer than he cared to stay? Would he keep pushing until everything and everyone else around him was just as broken as he? Would he continue to fight, claw his way further into the dark crevices of his mind that he naturally tried to avoid? Would he keep pushing and pushing until no one wanted him on their side anymore? Perhaps. After all, it was a great way to make sure they listened to him when that time came. When he was going to eventually have to lay down his life for another. Who would stop him then, if no one really cared about him anymore?

Questions turn over in his mind at Kane's words and for a moment, his face became impassive. Why let the other see the internal struggle, knowing he'd tried to stop him? Knowing he'd try to talk him out of it? Pike was a good man with bad intentions, right? Pike had taught Bellamy so much. Far more than he ever cared to admit. Far more than his mother ever taught him, but it was Kane that took him in. That brought him under his wing and showed him it was okay to listen to both, his head and his heart, for the decisions he needed to make

 Bellamy desperately wanted to save everyone, but there was no way that was possible, no matter what he did. No matter what he tried to do. People were going to die, even if he laid his life down for theirs, death was still going to come. After all, it may skip one, but it was always going to find another. Nothing would stop the grim reaper from getting it's prey.

"What other choices do I have?" His words are tinged in a bitterness that he wasn't expecting when he opened his mouth. What was the difference if he stopped or if he kept going? He was a better soldier than he was a person. He made better choices when he was in the mindset of flipping the switch when he had to pull the trigger. Saving a life could mean taking another. "Maybe Pike's right. It's all my fault." He shrugs then, his tone shifting, there's a sadness there. A raw emotion that hit him out of nowhere. One that he hadn't realized he had been harboring inside of him. "The only way to protect the people I care about is to fight. It doesn't matter who the enemy is, I have to do what I need to in order to keep the ones I care about safe." He pauses, features becoming impassive once again, gaze hardening on Kane's own. "Do you have a better idea?"

[graunblida]

@griefchoked​​ punched the heart

          “ You are...curious, Marcus Kane, ” The commander said plainly, hardly looking up from the table between them. Emerald eyes were fixated on the plans drawn up before them, and her mind busy with the task of memorizing the various markers and routes along the diorama. It may have been true she was quick to pass JUDGMENT on the sky people -- many of them certainly behaved similarly enough for her to draw such conclusions -- but her reasoning stemmed from the need to do right by her people. Leksa would not waltz into any form of partnership or alliance without airing on the side of caution, and she was certain Skaikru had their reservations about the Earthborn as well. 

     “ At any given time, I can count on one hand those willing to make the same sacrifice as yourself. ” The warrior referred to when she had posed as a village girl occupying the same cell as Kane and Jaha. While they argued amongst themselves, she had the opportunity to observes how each man handled the STRESS of the situation. Some actions struck her as predictable, yet others came as a surprise. “ Those who wield power and those who consider themselves expendable are two planes that do not often intersect. ” The threat of CORRUPTION loomed over beings with authority,  the possibility that their hunger would never be satiated. Leksa knew these types of plights as the line of commanders had a rich history of varying morality. “ It begs the question whether or not those sentiments are innate or if they can be learned. ”

[pyrrhicmessiah]

@griefchoked​ said :   '   you did your best and that's all we can ever do.   '   //   a meme.

blue eyes empty of all emotion,   hollowing out as she looks down.   she swallows hard,   the lump in her throat threatening to choke her as the weight of everything bears down on her.   she can hold it;   she’d bear the weight of the world if it meant that this group of people were able to be here,   settling into the last plot of green on the planet.   even though it had all finally worked out,   the tension is still thick in the air with how close they’d come to destroying it all once and for all.   seeing madi take on leadership still causes habitual dread to coil in her gut,   leaving her to merely tend to the ill and injured and try to reign in her instincts,   which screamed at her to step in.   she’s heard it enough,   though:   people DIE when she’s in charge.   she sighs,   running a hand through her curls as she glances out the window just over his shoulder.   “   my best is never good enough.   ”