Today’s post is going to be a little more on the emotional side. I want to talk more about the pain of infertility, one of the many struggles we have to go through while trying to get pregnant.
To start this off, I would like to go into detail about my current situation and how I have dealt with the pain of everyone around me becoming pregnant. When I say everyone, I mean at least 4 people that I am in relation with are pregnant or have had a child within the last year. My father, who has given me a beautiful sister, my younger sister, and two of my cousins. As I stated in my last post, C and I have been trying for a few years now. It seems like now that we are seeking actual help, everyone is becoming pregnant. So, yes, I know how it feels to be so hurt and heartbroken over not becoming pregnant when everyone else is.
When I first learned my dad was going to have a child, I was heartbroken, I was jealous, and I was angry. I thought I had done something and I was being punished, like it was a joke. I thought God was saying to me, “I know this is something YOU want, but watch me give it to someone else.” I was wrong to feel this way, but we can’t control our emotions. As time went on I learned to forgive, I learned to accept, and I learned to love. Now, I love this child more than anything. I still get my feelings heart, but I am working on it. I truly believe the one that has hurt me the most, was my sister. My younger sister who is giving our parents their first grandbaby, the one who is getting to go through something I’ve wanted for years, the one who wasn’t even trying but is now pregnant. This is the one that shattered my heart and my hope. This is also the one who has made me grow the most throughout this process, the one who has taught me strength, patience, and understanding. Now, in a few months I will become an aunt to a sweet baby girl. I am completely supportive of my sister, and I help her as much as I can. It gets better.
So, with that being said, it is ok to be hurt, it is ok to feel sad, angry, and broken. What is not ok is when we don’t pick ourselves back up again. When we continue to let ourselves hurt and stay angry. I took my anger out on my sister, I took my hurt, my pain, and my heartbreak out on her. This was not her responsibility, this was not her fault. I should of been there from her, shown her that I was by her side and I would continue to be. I let my anger get the best of me though. So, yes, I know that it hurts, I know the struggle. I have been there, I am still there some days.
How to fix it. I gave myself time, you are allowed time. No matter the situation, YOU ARE ALLOWED TIME. Give yourself as much as you need to heal, you are a better you when you have let yourself heal on your own. Do not try and rush through the healing process, it will be ok. You are only as good as you let yourself be. Talk to someone, I was lucky that my mom knew my feelings and was understanding to them, she let me cry to her and talk to her when I felt most upset. I also had my wonderful fiance as well. I don’t think I could of gotten through it without him, there were many nights where he just held me and I cried. I cried because I wasn’t pregnant, I cried because she was, I cried because I hurt and I cried because I was angry. And he held me. C made me feel better, he made me feel validated, and he made me know I wasn’t alone. Your support system is something that cannot be taken for granted and cannot be any less than great. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are uplifting, caring, and love you. It will make this experience so much easier on you.
So again, it is ok to hurt as long as you pick yourself up. It will happen, this is a process that we are growing through. The outcome will be worth it.
